No one's going to stop me now

I figured, since I have no academic goals or whatsoever right now,

I'll just make a list of what I want to do in the next few years.

So basically, this is what I want to do before I go to Canada.

Pack my room into a box and 2 suitcases,

Tear out my memory boxes again and prolly cry.

Get Tiffy stuff.

Need to get stationary.

Get a bikini and go tanning.

Get something pierced. ;)

Things to do when I go to canada.

Fix my financials.

Get contacts

And clothes.

Find a job.

Make friends.

Learn to drive.

Get a phone.

I REALLY WANT AN IPOD NAO.

(insert ultramegasadfacehere)

Things I want to do in the future.

Stay in China for 2 years.

Visit Vietnam just for Pho.

Maybe make videos again.. this time with someone who knows how to use a video camera properly and stuff like that.

Learn the guitar.

Take astrology, french and greek mythology classes.

Do something that's worth something.

Build myself to a stage where I'm not dependent on anyone.

Eyebrow piercing? :B

I shall continue this another time.

I'm kinda grouchy because people woke me up throughout the night.

I hate it when I'm not in deep sleep and my sister yells in the morning.

Or when my auntie comes in the room to ask me random crap about my life.

I'M SLEEPING, OMFG. :O

I could stab someone in the jugular.

Anyways.

I need to go for my morning run or something.

Which I'm too lazy to go for.

Maybe I'll just work out from here..

and watch greek.

ok. no. PIERCING.

in the next 2 weeks.

I.MUST.EXERCISE.

Exceptions

I hate the night.

I hate the night especially when it's dark and you're all alone, listening to people sleep, wishing you could to.

I hate the night when I'm all alone thinking about things I'm not suppose to think about, thinking about things that the day wouldn't let me think.

I hate the night because I am completely sad over random things that happen during the course of the day, because there's nobody beside me, because I hug myself to sleep.

I hate the night.

I hate the thinking, the godawful silence, the voices that creep into my head, only at night.

I'm not allowed out at night.

I'm not allowed to be with anyone so late.

I can't wait till nights become the day and I wouldn't feel so alone.

I can't wait till I get outta here.

Living with people I love.

Living with people who care about me.

The only place I know I can have all these is here.

But I don't want to be here.

Yet, I hate feeling the loneliness that comes with this place.

Grief

It's not good to be morbid when someone passes.

I am odd because I feel the opposite.

It's like an irony.

Maybe because everything is very much surreal now.

Sometimes, you don't know if you should smile, or cry, or text 'haha' back in a text msg because you're suppose to be sad or something like that.

It's not like I don't feel sad or anything.

Like, I do feel sad, but it's just a little more than other emotions.

Maybe I'm not weird for feeling like this because my dad is still singing.

Maybe he's not that affected.

I don't know. This whole situation just feels very weird to me.

I haven't gone through anything like this in like... since I was 7? That's like a whole zodiac cycle.

Well, I have to prepare to go to the wake soon.

I hate to watch people cry and I hate crying in front of people. It's just very .. erm. I just don't like pulling people into things.

I'd rather cry by myself.

Last night, I was at the hospital and I started thinking of like religion and stuff like that and how I would like my death to be like.

shut up. I like thinking of possible situations.

so anyways,

I thought it was nice that everyone was there for her at the last few moments of her life.

Where you could already count down by the hundreds, how many more breaths she'll take.

I find all of this so odd though.

Too odd.

Like I have to wear white and all and mourn for the next few days.

How can you do something without feeling it?

Like I want to feel something at least.

Too odd.

So fucking gorgeous

You are so gorgeous,

that I can't help but stare.

You are so gorgeous,

that each breath I take, your look just takes it away.

You are so gorgeous,

that the world caves in to your beauty, climbs into your doorways just to admire.

You are so gorgeous,

that you could earn a fortune by taking a penny from people who turn back to look at you.

You are so gorgeous,

that everything you do or touch is worth something.

You're so gorgeous,

that you can't stand the staring.

You're so gorgeous,

that you can't stand the whisperings at the sidelines.

You're so gorgeous,

that you look at yourself in the mirror and be repulsed.

You're so gorgeous,

that every living being inside you wants to come out black and rotten.

You're so gorgeous,

that when people stare, you want to gorge out their eyeballs.

You're so gorgeous,

that you're afraid you'll get raped.

You're so fucking gorgeous,

you want to turn hideous and die.

Can you keep this secret?

Last night, I dreamt of you, after so long, after I put you at the back of my mind.

Right now, I'm thinking of whatever happened in that dream and I'm kinda getting obssessed.

I can't stop thinking because that's totally what I want to happen to us.

Because I have so many questions for you, so many answers that I can't help but wonder.

I think I thought of you again because my mom reminded me of you.. damnit.

Or maybe because we haven't spoken in over a year and I dreamt about the parts I missed about you. I hate missing you.

I can't help but do that because of my dream.

But if my psychic powers are still working,

it just means that I may see you soon,

or that I may be this close with someone soon.

My powers have not quite recovered yet.

Maybe after more alone time I guess.

You know what sucks right now?

It's that after you, I really don't give a shit anymore about anything.

Anything at all.

I have lost most of my motivation to do anything.

I think my motivation to do something is people.

And I don't really get any motivation from anyone cos everyone I know does nothing anyways.

But all I know is.

I want to see you again.

One day.

but again.

Just have to.

You have broken into a decay

I would like to say that there is nothing to do with my life at this present moment..

or has it been like this for weeks?

Yes,

I'm too lazy to do anything.

study,

gym,

read,

But I do everything else.

and I'm really bored.

This sounds so awful.

but here's what I want to achieve in the next month or so.

I want to meet almost all my friends & relatives and spend as much time with them as possible.

That's the plan.

And of course, pack my whole life into 2 large suitcases and a box.

My whole life.

Not that I actually own much but still.

My whole life which takes up this corner of my room has to now migrate all the way to canada.

I've been like fucking depressed thinking of this.

It's like, I'm going to die and then start a whole new life again,

where I transition by taking plane rides half way across the world.

I'm trying so hard to be mentally prepared for this.

This is what I want.. yes?

I really can't imagine how it'll turn out.

You know how you usually think of scenarios before you do something you planned?

like a date, where you think of the worst case scenario,

or meet the parents at school,

or random things like how it'll be like to live as someone else for a day,

and things like that?

yeah, I can't imagine living in canada.

I used to be able to.

There's still vague little creative memories in my head.

But I want it to be vivid,

I want to know what I want to do there.

For summer,

for the next one year,

for the next four years.

I know what I'm going to do when school starts.

I just have yet to think of what kinda people I would meet,

my majors,

my job,

learning to drive,

a car,

friends,

the place I'm going to stay at,

not spending holidays back home..

My life in 2 packages.

:S

attention whore

I'm a very interesting piece of work.

I can never be content with what I have.

Everything won't be enough.

Maybe only you are.

Sometimes I wonder if I didn't take those steps,

you will be my square one.

It has always been you at the back of my mind,

reminding me about my what ifs.

I know I hurt myself along the way.

But it's only to make sure that I'm sure about what I want.

But I can't say it can't I?

I'll freak myself out.

I lived with it since the moment I met you.

Fuck me.

I can't not be critical of everything.

Skins

Been watching skins the whole day.

i finished the whole season.

and another episode of criminal minds here.

and another episode of criminal minds on telly.

and watched a whole load more crap.

and napped on the sofa, which is one of the bestest things to do

had the nicest shower ever.

and yes.

I am a slob that stays at home,

watch a whole load of crap and pig out.

not really.

I had proper 3 meals.

Too lazy to go to the gym or swimming.

And too lazy to get out and do something.

I'm only in this state cos I'm stagnating again.

Thinking about what I want to do with my life.

Oh yes.

I played the piano today.

I love it.

I love composing random shit that I feel like playing.

I know I can never remember the same tune.

But it feels like some romantic era song.

I love making things up and they sound good.

Skins is a very meh show. like so blah.

like of all the shows I've watched, it's like 2/5 stars.

But I watch anything crap.

Maybe it's cos it's british and I'm not used to the culture and shit,

like they do drugs and punch people and have sex all the damn time which is pretty stupid.

no real dramas/dramas are like super cliche.

and there is no plot, really.

The slopes of the build up is like almost a horizontal line.

Greek is so much better.

Just because the guys are hotter and the girls are cuter and there's some build up there.

Plus cappie.

Cappie.. or should I say really cute boys make everything better.

In skins, like JJ is cute in the geek sorta way. Everyone else is pretty much very blah.

But I think Effy is cool though.

In gossip girl & 90210, there is a good plot and hot people.

One tree hill, James lafferty.

Enough said.

crime shows like dexter and criminal minds is alway good because psycho people always makes things awesome.

That's about it.

I watch too much television.

I think I need to talk to someone about TV to get it all outta my system.

My mom is driving me crazy though.

she's all like, "rachael, what about queensland"

like. I just accepted UBC's offer last night!??!?!

She's really driving me crazy because I'm thinking about it again.

I hate it when people question my decision after I've made it.

It's like, I have to think about it again, and like consider everything.

which annoys me very much.

The thing about me is that I follow whatever my heart tells me.

My head just doesn't work when i'm about to make decisions.

I hate making decisions.

I wish someone would just make them for me already.

I hate thinking about what I want.

But if I do know what I want,

stop bugging me about whether it's the right decision already.

it's so annoying.

I've been thinking about me moving to canada.

and it freaks the shit outta me.

I want to move there so bad,

at the same time,

everyone's here.

everyone's leaving later.

I'm leaving first.

I have to say goodbye to everyone at the same time.

I haven't been away like this before.

I wish there would be someone to help me make this transition easier.

I think I have to meet more people and talk to them.

Conversations really make me feel a lot better because I get new ideas from people.

Man,

I am so scared.

:(

Skittles

1. If you were to attend a costume party tonight, what or whom would you go as? A Gypsie.

2. What are your choice of toppings on a hamburger? And do you prefer gas or charcoal grilling?

Peacocks and gas.

3. You are chosen to have lunch with the President. The condition is you only get to ask one question. What do you ask?

Who are you?

4. It's your first day of vacation, what are you doing? Sun tannnnn.

5. What is your concession stand must-have at the movies? A drink.

6. Which do you dislike most: Lizards.

7. What do you think Captain Hook's name was before he had a hook for a hand? Captain Crunch.

8. Rock, paper, or scissors? Rock.

9. How long was it from 'the first date' until the proposal of marriage? How long until the wedding?

M&M Rainbow time.

10. Which is worse, being in a place that is too loud, or too quiet? Too quiet. I can't scream

11. What is one quality that you really appreciate in a person? Confidence.

12. At the good old general store, what particular kind of candy would you expect to be in the big jar at the counter? MALTESERS.

13. What is the most distinguishing landmark in your city? A Lion.

14. Everyone hears discussions that they consider boring. What topic can put you to sleep quicker than any other? Anything to do with law or politics.

15. How many times did it take you to pass your drivers test? None.

16. If you had to have the same topping on your vanilla ice cream for the rest of your life, what topping would you choose? Chocolate icecream.

17. What food item would need to be removed from the market altogether in order for you to live a healthier, longer life? Potatoes because french fries are really bad for you.

18. You are offered an envelope that you know contains $50. You are then told that you may either keep it or exchange it for another envelope that may contain $500 or may be empty. Do you keep the first envelope, or do you take your chances with the second? 1/2 x 1/2 = 1/4 Or so I think if I studied probability.

19. If you had to choose, which would you give up: cable TV, or DSL/cable internet? TV because I can totally watch that shit on the internet.

where's #20? In your pants.

21. How much is a gallon of gas in your city? What was the highest it's been? maybe 438729874932 zimbabwe dollars.

22. What kind of lunch box did you have as a kid? I have no idea.

23. What would you rather have, a nanny, a housekeeper, a cook, or a chauffeur? Chauffeur!

24. Would you rather be trapped in an elevator, or stuck in traffic? stuck in traffic.

25. Lets say a brick fell on your foot, and your kid is standing right next to you, what is your 'cleaned up' swear word? Unicorn blood.

I'm in a crappy mood today. gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. X)

unicorn blood

Let'​​s start​ it off with,​​ are you avail​able?​​ somewhat.

Are there​ any stres​sful situa​tions​ in your life?​​​​​​ yes. moving to canada.

Do you enjoy​ late night​ phone​ conve​rsati​ons?​​ yes. but the reception at my place sucks so I can't have those.

Do you have any pet fish?​​​​​​ nope.

Do you go to the bathr​oom with the door open or close​d?​​​​​​ closed.

Do you dance​ in the car? sometimes.

Is there​ someo​ne you don'​​​​​​t ever want to be out of your life?​​​​​​ yes.

Where​ did you get your last bruis​e from?​​​​​ i can't remember my bruise.

Have you ever thoug​ht you were gonna​ die? yes.

How do you feel about​ girls​ smoki​ng?​​​​​​ whatever. like, there's no gender inequality dude.

Do you get along​ more with girls​ or guys?​​​​​​ guys and guy-ish girls.

What are you curre​ntly heari​ng right​ now? nothing.

Is there​ a perso​n of the oppos​ite sex who means​ a lot to you? yes.

What brand​ of digit​al camer​a do you have?​​​​​​ like.. my phone camera.. LG i think.

Would​ you rathe​r marry​ a footb​all playe​r or a baske​tball​ playe​r?​​ basketball but we all know I prefer musicians.

Is there​ a reaso​n for your MySpa​ce song?​​​​​​ don't have one.

When was the last time you saw your dad? a couple minutes ago.

Do you drink​ soda?​​ nope!

Anyon​e crush​ing on you? hmmm.

Has anyon​e ever sang to you? yes.

Has anyon​e ever given​ you roses​?​​ yes.. i think

How do you make your money​?​​​​​​ i used to have a job.

First​ perso​n to text you today​?​​​​​​ christine.

What is your favor​ite color​?​​​​​​ black.

What color​ are your eyes?​​​​​​ brown.

Whens​ your next vacat​ion?​​​​​​ hopefully, the US.

What are you looki​ng ​forwa​rd to? exams to be over.

What would​ your last name be if you marri​ed the last perso​n you texte​d?​​​​​ rachael chow.

Do you worry​ your ex will move on & be happi​er with anoth​er perso​n?​​​ whatever dude, like, I think he already did that.

Do peopl​e tend to walk all over you? no.

Are you reall​y happy​ or are you just sayin​g that?​​​​​ not happy at the moment. happiness can only last for so long. after that happy moment, it's like depressing till you find another thing that makes you happy.

If you were kicke​d out of your curre​nt resid​ence whom would​ you call?​​ anyone who would take me in.

Do you think​ relat​ionsh​ips are hard?​​​​​ buiding and maintaining them's hard.

Whens​ the next time you'​​​​​ll see your close​st frien​d?​​​​​ tmr!

What was the last reaso​n that you cried​?​​​​​ i think it was cos I miss someone but I'm still here. it's just retarded how I cry so randomly.

Does it take a lot to make you cry? really depends.

You have sibli​ngs over the age of 21? nope!

What is your favor​ite kind of weath​er?​​​​​ autumn.

Are you happy​ with your life?​​​​ fairly satisfied.

Who did you last hug? i think it was vrinda.

Are you a loud perso​n?​​​​​ depends on my mood and the situation.

Would​ you trade​ lives​ with a famou​s perso​n?​​​​​ really depends how famous they are.

Are you weari​ng any jewel​ry?​​​​​ no.

Do you have a hard time admit​ting you'​​​​​re wrong​?​​​​ no.

Do you think​ you have made a diffe​rence​ in anyon​e'​​​​​s life?​​​​​ i think maybe.

What shoul​d you be doing​ right​ now? taking a shower or reading.

When was the last time you slept​ on the floor​?​​​​​ i can't remember.

Has anybo​dy ever given​ you butte​rflie​s?​​​​​ for sure.

Will you have a valen​tine this year?​​​​ I did. stephhhhh. (:

Where​ is your favor​ite place​ to be? right here in my chair.

sometimes

Sometimes, you look at a photo and you realise how much of that moment is captured.

I miss everything that I used to feel.

I'm older now,

not wiser yet.

But I wish I could allow myself to feel whatever I want.

But sometimes, circumstances never allows that.

I get obsessed with something new.

But I never forget the old.

ugh. I hate waiting around.

I'm sorry it's been so many posts.

no, wait.

i'm not sorry for that.

I do whatever I want.

but still,

i have a lot on my mind while waiting for my hair to dry.

Special needs

I want to be good at something.

and today, i thought about it.

and i thought, hey.

I WANT TO BE ABLE TO DRAW THE MAP OF THE WORLD PERFECTLY.

I shall be a slob for the next few days

and practice drawing the map of the world.

It'll be pretty sweet if I could do that.

I am going to live in my room for the next 2 days or so.

to study, watch crap online, movies i havent watched in my hard drive, read, write (if my writer's block is gone), do more math, and play a whole ton of solitaire until someone calls me out or I'm sick of doing nothing.

today, i met so many people i havent seen in ages.

practically jumped on esther.

and like screamed.

man, I miss her so damn much.

I haven't seen her in 3 months.

can you believe that?

like we're in the same country,

and I don't see her.

and I had the longest conversations today.

I love just sipping coffee and talking.

it's so relaxing.

If only i don't need to study.

So I've decided to stay back one more month.

cos like, I haven't seen so many people

and they're leaving in september.

so I'll make use of this time for conversations and meet ups.

It'll be awesome.

I love talking about anything to people.

I'm such a lazy ass bitch though.

and I'm so damn tired.

I can't stay awake for more than 12 hours.

and I like writing so much about my life on the internet,

it's retarded.

like, I have so many outlets of writing whatever I feel like.

like twitter, facebook, blog, another blog.

but I feel that that's not enough.

Like, I need more outlets to write crap that I feel like writing.

Anyways,

talking to people today,

I have a question.

Should I make another stupid ass video?

Hmmm.

maybe I should compose something for once.

fucking writer's block.

i am so pleased

heheheheheheehhehehehehehe.

im sorry.

i cant stop giggling.

2010 has been a good year.

like, the UBC admission,

the QUT admission,

the awesome friends I've got,

the new people I've met,

and the cherry on top of this beautiful whip cream and icecream mix i have.

I got a merit for piano.

Yes that's right,

that really awesome miracle.

I know my grades suck,

I have an exam coming,

and I'm moving to another country real soon.

but so far,

this happiness strike just keeps on coming.

it's not that moving to canada is a bad thing.

just that I'll miss so many people, by going there.

oh oh, the cure's on tvvvvvv. :D

that totally adds to the list.

I can't describe how freaking amazing this feels.

like everything is in it's place.

I know I have been depressed like the first part of this year.

but I think the only way you're going when you're down is up.

but im a happy person despite the fact that I can't fucking eat anything.

which pisses me off.

but it's cool.

i can lose weight like that.

or so I hope.

i sound like a loser happy person.

but I don't care.

i love how it is now.

cos you know,

when all else fails in life,

there is greek and the joy of watching cappie in the most random costumes.

:DDDDDDD

alright. lunch with people I haven't seen since graduation.

blasé

I'm sorry I haven't been blogging much these days.

I've been trying to figure out where I want to go for university.

I got accepted to UBC and QUT.

Which is totally awesome because these are the two schools I want to go to.

But hmmm. canada or australia?

oh man.. this is an easy one.

CANADA.

there. I spelt it out for you.

Why?

Because I have this weird homely feeling with canada.

I love that place too much.

Somehow, I feel that I belong there.

These are the feelings now.

I hope they don't change.

My week has been filled with going out with people.

it's a good week.

but I'm sooooooooo tired.

I love the many conversations I had this week with people.

But like, there's too much alcohol in my system.

It's not good.. at all.

I'm hungry all the time.

Tmr's bbq day.

and I've been marinating chickens the whole night.

and I am so drained out doing that.

waking up at 0730 tmr just to get stingrays.

I think i'm a very lousy food planner.

I can never tell how much food is enough.

I think I bought too much?

well, not really.

I AM SO TIRED.

OK.

bath, and then sleep.

I smell like garlic.

ackkkkkkkkkkkk.

really long day tmr.