you're a bleeding heart

it's not ok.

when you are leaving and you are in the car and you are choking up,

realising it's just a dream and you wake up to reality and realise you're crying in your sleep.

and when you realise you're crying, you cry some more cos you know you're leaving.

and that you're going to leave your family.

and your face cringes making tears fall like crazy.

then you toss on the bed.

thinking, "it's not time yet."

it's not ok.

when goodbye is silent.

i don't understand it.

just say it.

it would hurt.

but not as bad as wondering.

no.

i take that back.

maybe mysteries are better than closures.

no.

i cannot decide.

maybe.

it's not ok.

when you have to meet so many people to say goodbye.

it leaves you outta breath.

sometimes, saying goodbye to people you're not so close to..

just brings out the fake smiles and nice gestures.

they don't mean anything.

i don't want to go out with you, you, and you.

it's not ok.

i want to be around people I love,

who loves me back.

not the rest of you.

sometimes,

i want to be alone.

say goodbye to my close ones.

and leave.

not drown myself with goodbyes.

making me feel worst than i already am feeling.

goodbye should mean something.

maybe we should change it.

it should be see you later.

but then who reads into these things?

Can you keep this secret?

Last night, I dreamt of you, after so long, after I put you at the back of my mind.

Right now, I'm thinking of whatever happened in that dream and I'm kinda getting obssessed.

I can't stop thinking because that's totally what I want to happen to us.

Because I have so many questions for you, so many answers that I can't help but wonder.

I think I thought of you again because my mom reminded me of you.. damnit.

Or maybe because we haven't spoken in over a year and I dreamt about the parts I missed about you. I hate missing you.

I can't help but do that because of my dream.

But if my psychic powers are still working,

it just means that I may see you soon,

or that I may be this close with someone soon.

My powers have not quite recovered yet.

Maybe after more alone time I guess.

You know what sucks right now?

It's that after you, I really don't give a shit anymore about anything.

Anything at all.

I have lost most of my motivation to do anything.

I think my motivation to do something is people.

And I don't really get any motivation from anyone cos everyone I know does nothing anyways.

But all I know is.

I want to see you again.

One day.

but again.

Just have to.