hello again

wasssuuppp.

i havent been here for too long but heyyy!

I've been in Canada for a week now and IT IS AWESOME.

it's everything i thought it would be and i love it here.

i already feel like home.

it's not that i don't miss home,

but this place is so beautiful, i'm falling in love with it everyday.

i can't wait to explore more of the place.

exploration is awesome.

but for now,

i need to so some massive shopping because im too cold here.

and i need jackets and boots.

and then i have to think of stuff to buy for my dorm room.

i need a lamp,

and i want to buy a lamp.

and i can't wait to go lamp hunting!

im quite obssessed with the thought of having a lamp right now.

i want a lamp.

oh oh!

and a tea pot, and a tea collection.

i just love these things.

teapots are the most awesome things ever.

tea > coffee because good coffee is hard to make without an electrical machine.

to get good tea, buy good leaves and JUST ADD WATER. :)

my favourite thing to do here is to wash my face.

just because i love the soap and the state of my skin here.

it's too awesome.

and then there's the part where i was sick, and still am sick for a week,

i think i lost a bit of weight.

or not,

whatever.

i've been having donuts and pizza and falafel and bubble tea.

food here is good.

BUT I WANT IHOP WHEN I GET BETTER.

pancakes taste so good here though.

i love pancakes.

i hate putting on moisturizer though.

it's too annoying.

but my skin would get all gross and pealing later.

i should moisturize my face soon.

alright.

i can't wait to go to US to shop.

it's quite expensive here in canada.

good night for now.

3 days and gone

good morning.

I have realised it's down to 3.

3 days till freedom..

till awesome gigs, new friends, new environment, new life, new clothes, new shoes, discoveries, explorations and experience.

my life is going to change so drastically.

I can't wait for the awesome summer weather.

But I would like to say.

RACHAEL, YOU HAVE TO BE OPTIMISTIC COS YOU'RE GOING TO BE LONELY FOR AWHILE.

so here.

i'm going to write all my frustrations and shit like that.

because I can,

and I will.

and I would not want to be depressed.

HELLO SUMMER 2010, CANADA.

nice.

it's fine

few things i discovered.

crying in the shower totally makes you feel so much better.

crying seriously is the cure to sadness.

people can make you few better by saying things you don't want to say/think about.

hope isn't necessarily something you should look forward to, instead, look forward to the future.

i like writing things i think about even though it sounds so cliche.

i will be fine eventually.

i will be finer tmr.

a new day is better than an old one.

i will not be stuck on rewind.

i wish i could wish a wish

i honestly feel like crap these few days. it's like everything's getting surreal. i wake up every morning counting down the days before i leave. it gets more and more like a nightmare that i want to wake up from. i dont feel so ready anymore. i take one day at a time but taking one day at the time is bad because i dont think of the future, just how to live through to the next day. i always said i like to be stable, like know whats going to happen tmr, have a proper routine, that kinda thing. a goal. right now, it feels very unstable. but at least i know stability in the next 4 years. i just have to get over myself and hit that milestone that i have planned since i was younger. i always knew that i was going overseas, without my parents, like how my dad did. but i didn't know it was going to be this hard. this is just whining that i'll be doing constantly for the next few months, or just days. but i'm seriously going to miss this place, as much as i hate it here. im sure im going to love canada but honestly, the only thing holding me back is the people back here who are always here for me. im afraid that over there, i have no one. or i'll have nothing compared to the people i have here.

i think im scared of instability, because i don't know what's going to happen there. like, im seriously going to be on my own. taking care of myself. fighting my own fights alone, making new friends, studying alone, i don't know. it's so scary but such an adventure. im so excited and so scared at the same time. i think this is only normal. but im so sad about leaving. everyday, im reminded. my mom, my family, like everyone just tells me random shit that i hear everyday. it just makes me so sad. but i will not cry in front of them. i just wont. i have this problem, where i dont show emotion to people who are like my family or like people im not used to. like seriously, i pretend like i dont give a shit and everything. which is the most insensitive thing. but i guess thats how i show it. acting like everything is fine. i think i'll burst out crying in the end, at the airport. before i start a new life again.

fuck. this is so scary. take it away.

You're David Copperfield but i can't disappear

today i thought about what how to be strong. it's so funny how you can wake up feeling great but end the day feeling like crap. i had fun going out with chels today. talking about everything and laughing about the most bullshit thing for hours. i thought about how im going to miss her because she's so fun and everything and how im not going to miss some other people. i realise how i hate fake people so fucking much it makes me want to stab them with cigarette buds and pour fake tea down their shirts. i wonder how they survive being fake. they dont understand poverty, or how it feels like to be hurt, or how to understand other people or how life isn't actually rainbows and fucking sunshines or how to help friends in a fight or how to just be nice.. genuinely nice. like, really. doesnt it hurt that you're holding your fucking mouth they happy side up with wires.

i shall stop bitchin' but i just want to say. im glad im weird and not your type because there's only one of me. i am stupid, idiotic, annoying and shit like that and i love it. i look ugly sometimes, i glue my eyes together sometimes but im not afraid of looking stupid or anything. at least i know i laugh because it's funny, i cry because i'm sad, i don't hold back my smiles or act like im so cool in front of my friends because i can look as stupid or annoying or ugly in front of them and they wont judge me. i dont think this is cos im cocky or anything. i think it's cos i know who i am. i may lose that for awhile sometimes, but i always find myself. the fun, annoying, bullshit, laughing nonstop at stupid things, nice person that i want to be and that i am.

today, i felt sad. so i locked myself in the room and sang every song that i thought of, with lyrics googled in front of me in the most disgustingly horrible singing voice i have. because i can and no one can here me other than my brother who doesn't give a shit. i felt better. and then i watched intevention and i thought about how people drive themselves into addiction and i was thinking about how i should always try to be strong and do the right thing no matter how sad i am or if something bad happens to me. i was thinking, am i an addict in any way? right now, no. maybe to typing shit in a virtual space but well, this is healthy. i write so much when i feel so sad. i can go on and on and on which im doing right now.

anyways, i thought about something else today while i was out. which was like how girls depend on guys to prove how much they are worth and also, this is in relation to greek. i am trying so hard not to be a victim of that shit, like not being dependent on guys. sometimes, i feel so stupid when my mood changes so quickly when some guy msges me or calls me or goes out with me. i realise how it's so shortlived before i start to get like.. agitated or bitchy or some shit like that. like i can never be happy for more than a day or 2. depends. that really sucks though. im going to build myself up to a stage where i cant be bothered. seriously. of all the things i dont give a shit about, i give a shit about boys which is seriously the most retarded thing ever. if someone doesnt care about you, you shouldnt give a shit right. like seriously, i think steph is awesome because she can do that but i cant. but i will. just dont give a shit. to continue not giving a shit about anything.

ok. i have discovered a lot of nonsense about myself in the last few days and if you really are reading this shit. im really upset and so, i wrote shit. goodnight.

my nose is sore though. sucks.

you're a bleeding heart

it's not ok.

when you are leaving and you are in the car and you are choking up,

realising it's just a dream and you wake up to reality and realise you're crying in your sleep.

and when you realise you're crying, you cry some more cos you know you're leaving.

and that you're going to leave your family.

and your face cringes making tears fall like crazy.

then you toss on the bed.

thinking, "it's not time yet."

it's not ok.

when goodbye is silent.

i don't understand it.

just say it.

it would hurt.

but not as bad as wondering.

no.

i take that back.

maybe mysteries are better than closures.

no.

i cannot decide.

maybe.

it's not ok.

when you have to meet so many people to say goodbye.

it leaves you outta breath.

sometimes, saying goodbye to people you're not so close to..

just brings out the fake smiles and nice gestures.

they don't mean anything.

i don't want to go out with you, you, and you.

it's not ok.

i want to be around people I love,

who loves me back.

not the rest of you.

sometimes,

i want to be alone.

say goodbye to my close ones.

and leave.

not drown myself with goodbyes.

making me feel worst than i already am feeling.

goodbye should mean something.

maybe we should change it.

it should be see you later.

but then who reads into these things?

jet plane leaving soon

I'm leaving.

in 2 weeks.

I'm scared to bits.

I want to cry.

I've never done anything quite so huge before.

and i dont even know if im coming back.

it's like.

im going live on a new earth.

everything is going to be different.

i shall enjoy every second of it.

i bet it's going to be beautiful though.

i want to be there.

but not leave this all behind.

i shall get over my fears and live with what i really really want.

this is what you want rachael.

Monkey cow

I have another idea.

The last 2 weeks before going to canada,

I will try to tan every single day.

Go to the streets for new studs for my piercing (:B) and more lion shirts.

One day, I want to make webshows again.

And play the guitar and violin,

& write songs.

I think my university life would be like cappie.

Unable to pick a major.

/shrugs.

Oh well.

:)

Sugar Rush

Hello. My name is Rachael.

I lack sugar rushes.

I miss going to a candy store for candy.

I miss eating candy in the oddest ways possible.

I miss rolling on the floor and running around and talking more shit than I already do and annoy the shit outta people who love me.

I miss having people to annoy, and they still love my annoying-ness.

Right now, I can't have sugar rushes because there is no candy,

there is no one to annoy,

there is no one who loves me enough to be annoyed by me and laugh at me.

Candy, in an empty room does not create fun.

I will instead,

in my last 4 months of my 18 year old life,

shall hide inside this shell that I already am hiding in.

I shall let the walls get thicker as no one knocks it down.

but I shall not turn 19.

I will be 18 until im 20.

One more year of being 18 would be nice.

Exam's in a couple of hours.

Fucking bitch.

I have to wear long pants now.

tskkkkkkk.

Blue Sunshine

I'M SO FUCKING BORED, IT'S RETARDED.

LIKE,

I'M ANNOYING EVERYONE AROUND ME.. WHOSE ONLINE, WHOEVER I FEEL LIKE TEXTING. AND IM BLOGGING IN CAPS LOCK FOR NO REASON.

SERIOUSLY, WHO KNEW DOING NOTHING FOR LIKE 2 MONTHS WOULD TURN OUT THIS WAY.

I DON'T FEEL LIKE DOING ANYTHING ANYMORE.

LIKE, I WANT TO DO SOMETHING.

SOMEONE SHOULD FORCE ME TO DO SOMETHING WITH MY LIFE.

COS I WON'T DO ANYTHING.

OMFG. THIS IS SO STUPID.

I DONT FEEL LIKE WATCHING TV ANYMORE.

OR BE ON THE COMPUTER ANYMORE.

OR DOING MATH.

OR ANYTHING.

THERE'S NOTHING.

NOT EVEN READING,

OR DRAWING.

I WANT TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL NOW.

I MISS SCHOOL.

I MISS SHIT LOADS OF CRAP ABOUT SCHOOL.

LIKE GOSSIPING.

AND TALKING NONSTOP.

AND BEING RETARDED, JUMPING ON PEOPLE AND PRETENDING TO BE IN SUPERMARIO OR SOME SHIT LIKE THAT.

OR PEOPLE JUMPING ON ME AND WE'LL RUN AROUND.

I WANT TO BE 12 AGAIN.

THIS FUCKING SUCKS.

IM 18 GOING ON 19 AND I'M THE OLDEST COW ON EARTH.

PEOPLE SHOULDN'T READ THIS SHIT IM POSTING.

LIKE.

I THINK. THIS BLOG IS FULL OF SHIT BECAUSE THE NIGHT FORCES ME TO BE BORED AND LONELY AND STUPID ALL AT THE SAME TIME.

I WISH IT WOULD BE DAY LONGER.

MAN. IMAGINE IF I WERE IN CANADA RIGHT NOW, I WOULD DIE MORE.

COS DAYS ARE SO MUCH SHORTER.

LOL.

OMFG.

I COULD DIE, AT 11:26.

BUT IM NOT.

WHY? BECAUSE IM NOT OUT PARTYING, OR DOING DRUGS, OR SMOKING THE SHIT OUTTA MY LUNGS.

IM HERE. IN MY ROOM, DRAWING COWS THAT LOOK LIKE PIGS,

TEXTING RANDOM PEOPLE.

AND MAKING PLANS FOR FUN.

THIS IS RETARDED.

i shall stop typing in caps lock,

but i really want to scream so bad.

I miss like rolling around in class.

or just being around people.

how boring is it to not see people everyday?

I am so tired just meeting people everyday.

this is why my stamina decreases when my lazyness kicks in.

this.just.fucking.sucks.

i have no idea how people cope with doing nothing.

i can't find a job now.

or anything.

i have so much to do.

but i dont feel like doing anything.

seriously, i dont know what im talking about anymore.

i think im just wasting this post, trying to find a way to get to sleep.

you know what the lesson is?

the lesson of the day is to not sleep throughout the entire day no matter how tired you are.

because you'll end up like me.

bored and lonely when everyone is asleep.

:O