You're David Copperfield but i can't disappear

today i thought about what how to be strong. it's so funny how you can wake up feeling great but end the day feeling like crap. i had fun going out with chels today. talking about everything and laughing about the most bullshit thing for hours. i thought about how im going to miss her because she's so fun and everything and how im not going to miss some other people. i realise how i hate fake people so fucking much it makes me want to stab them with cigarette buds and pour fake tea down their shirts. i wonder how they survive being fake. they dont understand poverty, or how it feels like to be hurt, or how to understand other people or how life isn't actually rainbows and fucking sunshines or how to help friends in a fight or how to just be nice.. genuinely nice. like, really. doesnt it hurt that you're holding your fucking mouth they happy side up with wires.

i shall stop bitchin' but i just want to say. im glad im weird and not your type because there's only one of me. i am stupid, idiotic, annoying and shit like that and i love it. i look ugly sometimes, i glue my eyes together sometimes but im not afraid of looking stupid or anything. at least i know i laugh because it's funny, i cry because i'm sad, i don't hold back my smiles or act like im so cool in front of my friends because i can look as stupid or annoying or ugly in front of them and they wont judge me. i dont think this is cos im cocky or anything. i think it's cos i know who i am. i may lose that for awhile sometimes, but i always find myself. the fun, annoying, bullshit, laughing nonstop at stupid things, nice person that i want to be and that i am.

today, i felt sad. so i locked myself in the room and sang every song that i thought of, with lyrics googled in front of me in the most disgustingly horrible singing voice i have. because i can and no one can here me other than my brother who doesn't give a shit. i felt better. and then i watched intevention and i thought about how people drive themselves into addiction and i was thinking about how i should always try to be strong and do the right thing no matter how sad i am or if something bad happens to me. i was thinking, am i an addict in any way? right now, no. maybe to typing shit in a virtual space but well, this is healthy. i write so much when i feel so sad. i can go on and on and on which im doing right now.

anyways, i thought about something else today while i was out. which was like how girls depend on guys to prove how much they are worth and also, this is in relation to greek. i am trying so hard not to be a victim of that shit, like not being dependent on guys. sometimes, i feel so stupid when my mood changes so quickly when some guy msges me or calls me or goes out with me. i realise how it's so shortlived before i start to get like.. agitated or bitchy or some shit like that. like i can never be happy for more than a day or 2. depends. that really sucks though. im going to build myself up to a stage where i cant be bothered. seriously. of all the things i dont give a shit about, i give a shit about boys which is seriously the most retarded thing ever. if someone doesnt care about you, you shouldnt give a shit right. like seriously, i think steph is awesome because she can do that but i cant. but i will. just dont give a shit. to continue not giving a shit about anything.

ok. i have discovered a lot of nonsense about myself in the last few days and if you really are reading this shit. im really upset and so, i wrote shit. goodnight.

my nose is sore though. sucks.