strange

I've moved to a new land where no one knows my name, or about my past, or anything about me. I make friends with people who want to be friends with me, but people here are friendly. In this place, I don't feel obliged to beg for friendship or buying friendship, or trying to control people so they'd be friends. No. This time, it's different. In this place, I am perfect.

I'm not judged by people around me, or holding on to a thread called friendship that I hope wouldn't break. This time, I'm not alone. Strangers from different places all together in one place, sensitive to the culture of the land. I love it. I love it here.

But my past still haunts me, pisses me off, and leave me angered. I hate it back home. I hate being judged so much. It's a never ending circle that's condescending. I will leave. The only thing pulling me from one end of the world to the other is a cyberspace called the internet. Communication is still two ways. Goodbye, not really. We'd probably meet again.

so it's like this

so it goes like this.

everyday, i wake up.

at about 12,

and i eat every 2 hours,

until i fall asleep.

when i go to the store,

i always get a different kinda candy.

and snack on candy every 2 hours when i am lazy to go down to get something to eat.

when i go out,

i usually spend money..

on food.

any kinda food,

today, candy.

tmr, poutine.

the day after, nandos.

the day after the day after, sorbet...

I make friends on the internet.

and it's dangerous.

but i don't feel that way.

i am feeling, in fact, very much numb and like, i can't control what I'm doing or thinking.

I have to call telus.

I have to make financial plans and cannot keep on living like this.

I have to spend less money but GOD, I LOVE STARBUCKS HERE.

Or just coffee and food.

My favourite shops are H&M and Forever 21.

I get clothes all the time.

especially tank tops.

and I get too much eyeliner.

which I use, btw.

but still.

i have 3 right now.

how much eyeliner can i put on my eye?

Apparently,

A LOT.

i will never run out.

and my eyes will always be bigger than usual.

:D

i feel like shopping still.

alright. limitation.

i can only use 150dollars next week.

the

end

.

i have no idea

i am entirely obsessed with this picture.

first of all, lions.

second of all.

it's awesome.

it's really cold here.

they say a huge storm is coming.

i hope it would.

i want to see how storms are like at the other side of the world.

im awake most of the night.

not cos of jetlag.

i just don't want to fall asleep knowing im alone again.

so i get myself to be super tired.

you know,

i've always been a hopeless romantic.

but, i don't show it.

or may not show it.

i don't know. i don't videotape myself and analyse.

but i'm always so caught up with finding it.

or maybe just the feeling of love and not the person,

according to my horoscope.

i get so obsessed over the most romantic things someone has done for me.

gawd.

if i would just stop to think about it.

i want to slap myself most of the time.

cos i've been looking for love all over.

but i can't stop.

it's like fucking heroin.

no one's talking to me here.

and im finding reasons to justify things that i do.

sometimes,

i just tell myself,

stop rachael.

this is not what u want to do.

seriously.

i can't wait to find a proper boyf.

but when i do,

i know im going to be the cool, nonchalant, super laidback person i am, or i want people to look at me as.

i always want to find someone like well, a best friend, who i'm totally comfortable with.

i've never found that.

and i think that's so annoying.

because i'm such a hardup ass.

3 months on working on myself.

i think so.

i should start now.

hello again

wasssuuppp.

i havent been here for too long but heyyy!

I've been in Canada for a week now and IT IS AWESOME.

it's everything i thought it would be and i love it here.

i already feel like home.

it's not that i don't miss home,

but this place is so beautiful, i'm falling in love with it everyday.

i can't wait to explore more of the place.

exploration is awesome.

but for now,

i need to so some massive shopping because im too cold here.

and i need jackets and boots.

and then i have to think of stuff to buy for my dorm room.

i need a lamp,

and i want to buy a lamp.

and i can't wait to go lamp hunting!

im quite obssessed with the thought of having a lamp right now.

i want a lamp.

oh oh!

and a tea pot, and a tea collection.

i just love these things.

teapots are the most awesome things ever.

tea > coffee because good coffee is hard to make without an electrical machine.

to get good tea, buy good leaves and JUST ADD WATER. :)

my favourite thing to do here is to wash my face.

just because i love the soap and the state of my skin here.

it's too awesome.

and then there's the part where i was sick, and still am sick for a week,

i think i lost a bit of weight.

or not,

whatever.

i've been having donuts and pizza and falafel and bubble tea.

food here is good.

BUT I WANT IHOP WHEN I GET BETTER.

pancakes taste so good here though.

i love pancakes.

i hate putting on moisturizer though.

it's too annoying.

but my skin would get all gross and pealing later.

i should moisturize my face soon.

alright.

i can't wait to go to US to shop.

it's quite expensive here in canada.

good night for now.

3 days and gone

good morning.

I have realised it's down to 3.

3 days till freedom..

till awesome gigs, new friends, new environment, new life, new clothes, new shoes, discoveries, explorations and experience.

my life is going to change so drastically.

I can't wait for the awesome summer weather.

But I would like to say.

RACHAEL, YOU HAVE TO BE OPTIMISTIC COS YOU'RE GOING TO BE LONELY FOR AWHILE.

so here.

i'm going to write all my frustrations and shit like that.

because I can,

and I will.

and I would not want to be depressed.

HELLO SUMMER 2010, CANADA.

nice.

i wish i could wish a wish

i honestly feel like crap these few days. it's like everything's getting surreal. i wake up every morning counting down the days before i leave. it gets more and more like a nightmare that i want to wake up from. i dont feel so ready anymore. i take one day at a time but taking one day at the time is bad because i dont think of the future, just how to live through to the next day. i always said i like to be stable, like know whats going to happen tmr, have a proper routine, that kinda thing. a goal. right now, it feels very unstable. but at least i know stability in the next 4 years. i just have to get over myself and hit that milestone that i have planned since i was younger. i always knew that i was going overseas, without my parents, like how my dad did. but i didn't know it was going to be this hard. this is just whining that i'll be doing constantly for the next few months, or just days. but i'm seriously going to miss this place, as much as i hate it here. im sure im going to love canada but honestly, the only thing holding me back is the people back here who are always here for me. im afraid that over there, i have no one. or i'll have nothing compared to the people i have here.

i think im scared of instability, because i don't know what's going to happen there. like, im seriously going to be on my own. taking care of myself. fighting my own fights alone, making new friends, studying alone, i don't know. it's so scary but such an adventure. im so excited and so scared at the same time. i think this is only normal. but im so sad about leaving. everyday, im reminded. my mom, my family, like everyone just tells me random shit that i hear everyday. it just makes me so sad. but i will not cry in front of them. i just wont. i have this problem, where i dont show emotion to people who are like my family or like people im not used to. like seriously, i pretend like i dont give a shit and everything. which is the most insensitive thing. but i guess thats how i show it. acting like everything is fine. i think i'll burst out crying in the end, at the airport. before i start a new life again.

fuck. this is so scary. take it away.

You're David Copperfield but i can't disappear

today i thought about what how to be strong. it's so funny how you can wake up feeling great but end the day feeling like crap. i had fun going out with chels today. talking about everything and laughing about the most bullshit thing for hours. i thought about how im going to miss her because she's so fun and everything and how im not going to miss some other people. i realise how i hate fake people so fucking much it makes me want to stab them with cigarette buds and pour fake tea down their shirts. i wonder how they survive being fake. they dont understand poverty, or how it feels like to be hurt, or how to understand other people or how life isn't actually rainbows and fucking sunshines or how to help friends in a fight or how to just be nice.. genuinely nice. like, really. doesnt it hurt that you're holding your fucking mouth they happy side up with wires.

i shall stop bitchin' but i just want to say. im glad im weird and not your type because there's only one of me. i am stupid, idiotic, annoying and shit like that and i love it. i look ugly sometimes, i glue my eyes together sometimes but im not afraid of looking stupid or anything. at least i know i laugh because it's funny, i cry because i'm sad, i don't hold back my smiles or act like im so cool in front of my friends because i can look as stupid or annoying or ugly in front of them and they wont judge me. i dont think this is cos im cocky or anything. i think it's cos i know who i am. i may lose that for awhile sometimes, but i always find myself. the fun, annoying, bullshit, laughing nonstop at stupid things, nice person that i want to be and that i am.

today, i felt sad. so i locked myself in the room and sang every song that i thought of, with lyrics googled in front of me in the most disgustingly horrible singing voice i have. because i can and no one can here me other than my brother who doesn't give a shit. i felt better. and then i watched intevention and i thought about how people drive themselves into addiction and i was thinking about how i should always try to be strong and do the right thing no matter how sad i am or if something bad happens to me. i was thinking, am i an addict in any way? right now, no. maybe to typing shit in a virtual space but well, this is healthy. i write so much when i feel so sad. i can go on and on and on which im doing right now.

anyways, i thought about something else today while i was out. which was like how girls depend on guys to prove how much they are worth and also, this is in relation to greek. i am trying so hard not to be a victim of that shit, like not being dependent on guys. sometimes, i feel so stupid when my mood changes so quickly when some guy msges me or calls me or goes out with me. i realise how it's so shortlived before i start to get like.. agitated or bitchy or some shit like that. like i can never be happy for more than a day or 2. depends. that really sucks though. im going to build myself up to a stage where i cant be bothered. seriously. of all the things i dont give a shit about, i give a shit about boys which is seriously the most retarded thing ever. if someone doesnt care about you, you shouldnt give a shit right. like seriously, i think steph is awesome because she can do that but i cant. but i will. just dont give a shit. to continue not giving a shit about anything.

ok. i have discovered a lot of nonsense about myself in the last few days and if you really are reading this shit. im really upset and so, i wrote shit. goodnight.

my nose is sore though. sucks.

Sugar Rush

Hello. My name is Rachael.

I lack sugar rushes.

I miss going to a candy store for candy.

I miss eating candy in the oddest ways possible.

I miss rolling on the floor and running around and talking more shit than I already do and annoy the shit outta people who love me.

I miss having people to annoy, and they still love my annoying-ness.

Right now, I can't have sugar rushes because there is no candy,

there is no one to annoy,

there is no one who loves me enough to be annoyed by me and laugh at me.

Candy, in an empty room does not create fun.

I will instead,

in my last 4 months of my 18 year old life,

shall hide inside this shell that I already am hiding in.

I shall let the walls get thicker as no one knocks it down.

but I shall not turn 19.

I will be 18 until im 20.

One more year of being 18 would be nice.

Exam's in a couple of hours.

Fucking bitch.

I have to wear long pants now.

tskkkkkkk.

Blue Sunshine

I'M SO FUCKING BORED, IT'S RETARDED.

LIKE,

I'M ANNOYING EVERYONE AROUND ME.. WHOSE ONLINE, WHOEVER I FEEL LIKE TEXTING. AND IM BLOGGING IN CAPS LOCK FOR NO REASON.

SERIOUSLY, WHO KNEW DOING NOTHING FOR LIKE 2 MONTHS WOULD TURN OUT THIS WAY.

I DON'T FEEL LIKE DOING ANYTHING ANYMORE.

LIKE, I WANT TO DO SOMETHING.

SOMEONE SHOULD FORCE ME TO DO SOMETHING WITH MY LIFE.

COS I WON'T DO ANYTHING.

OMFG. THIS IS SO STUPID.

I DONT FEEL LIKE WATCHING TV ANYMORE.

OR BE ON THE COMPUTER ANYMORE.

OR DOING MATH.

OR ANYTHING.

THERE'S NOTHING.

NOT EVEN READING,

OR DRAWING.

I WANT TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL NOW.

I MISS SCHOOL.

I MISS SHIT LOADS OF CRAP ABOUT SCHOOL.

LIKE GOSSIPING.

AND TALKING NONSTOP.

AND BEING RETARDED, JUMPING ON PEOPLE AND PRETENDING TO BE IN SUPERMARIO OR SOME SHIT LIKE THAT.

OR PEOPLE JUMPING ON ME AND WE'LL RUN AROUND.

I WANT TO BE 12 AGAIN.

THIS FUCKING SUCKS.

IM 18 GOING ON 19 AND I'M THE OLDEST COW ON EARTH.

PEOPLE SHOULDN'T READ THIS SHIT IM POSTING.

LIKE.

I THINK. THIS BLOG IS FULL OF SHIT BECAUSE THE NIGHT FORCES ME TO BE BORED AND LONELY AND STUPID ALL AT THE SAME TIME.

I WISH IT WOULD BE DAY LONGER.

MAN. IMAGINE IF I WERE IN CANADA RIGHT NOW, I WOULD DIE MORE.

COS DAYS ARE SO MUCH SHORTER.

LOL.

OMFG.

I COULD DIE, AT 11:26.

BUT IM NOT.

WHY? BECAUSE IM NOT OUT PARTYING, OR DOING DRUGS, OR SMOKING THE SHIT OUTTA MY LUNGS.

IM HERE. IN MY ROOM, DRAWING COWS THAT LOOK LIKE PIGS,

TEXTING RANDOM PEOPLE.

AND MAKING PLANS FOR FUN.

THIS IS RETARDED.

i shall stop typing in caps lock,

but i really want to scream so bad.

I miss like rolling around in class.

or just being around people.

how boring is it to not see people everyday?

I am so tired just meeting people everyday.

this is why my stamina decreases when my lazyness kicks in.

this.just.fucking.sucks.

i have no idea how people cope with doing nothing.

i can't find a job now.

or anything.

i have so much to do.

but i dont feel like doing anything.

seriously, i dont know what im talking about anymore.

i think im just wasting this post, trying to find a way to get to sleep.

you know what the lesson is?

the lesson of the day is to not sleep throughout the entire day no matter how tired you are.

because you'll end up like me.

bored and lonely when everyone is asleep.

:O

Exceptions

I hate the night.

I hate the night especially when it's dark and you're all alone, listening to people sleep, wishing you could to.

I hate the night when I'm all alone thinking about things I'm not suppose to think about, thinking about things that the day wouldn't let me think.

I hate the night because I am completely sad over random things that happen during the course of the day, because there's nobody beside me, because I hug myself to sleep.

I hate the night.

I hate the thinking, the godawful silence, the voices that creep into my head, only at night.

I'm not allowed out at night.

I'm not allowed to be with anyone so late.

I can't wait till nights become the day and I wouldn't feel so alone.

I can't wait till I get outta here.

Living with people I love.

Living with people who care about me.

The only place I know I can have all these is here.

But I don't want to be here.

Yet, I hate feeling the loneliness that comes with this place.

You have broken into a decay

I would like to say that there is nothing to do with my life at this present moment..

or has it been like this for weeks?

Yes,

I'm too lazy to do anything.

study,

gym,

read,

But I do everything else.

and I'm really bored.

This sounds so awful.

but here's what I want to achieve in the next month or so.

I want to meet almost all my friends & relatives and spend as much time with them as possible.

That's the plan.

And of course, pack my whole life into 2 large suitcases and a box.

My whole life.

Not that I actually own much but still.

My whole life which takes up this corner of my room has to now migrate all the way to canada.

I've been like fucking depressed thinking of this.

It's like, I'm going to die and then start a whole new life again,

where I transition by taking plane rides half way across the world.

I'm trying so hard to be mentally prepared for this.

This is what I want.. yes?

I really can't imagine how it'll turn out.

You know how you usually think of scenarios before you do something you planned?

like a date, where you think of the worst case scenario,

or meet the parents at school,

or random things like how it'll be like to live as someone else for a day,

and things like that?

yeah, I can't imagine living in canada.

I used to be able to.

There's still vague little creative memories in my head.

But I want it to be vivid,

I want to know what I want to do there.

For summer,

for the next one year,

for the next four years.

I know what I'm going to do when school starts.

I just have yet to think of what kinda people I would meet,

my majors,

my job,

learning to drive,

a car,

friends,

the place I'm going to stay at,

not spending holidays back home..

My life in 2 packages.

:S

Skins

Been watching skins the whole day.

i finished the whole season.

and another episode of criminal minds here.

and another episode of criminal minds on telly.

and watched a whole load more crap.

and napped on the sofa, which is one of the bestest things to do

had the nicest shower ever.

and yes.

I am a slob that stays at home,

watch a whole load of crap and pig out.

not really.

I had proper 3 meals.

Too lazy to go to the gym or swimming.

And too lazy to get out and do something.

I'm only in this state cos I'm stagnating again.

Thinking about what I want to do with my life.

Oh yes.

I played the piano today.

I love it.

I love composing random shit that I feel like playing.

I know I can never remember the same tune.

But it feels like some romantic era song.

I love making things up and they sound good.

Skins is a very meh show. like so blah.

like of all the shows I've watched, it's like 2/5 stars.

But I watch anything crap.

Maybe it's cos it's british and I'm not used to the culture and shit,

like they do drugs and punch people and have sex all the damn time which is pretty stupid.

no real dramas/dramas are like super cliche.

and there is no plot, really.

The slopes of the build up is like almost a horizontal line.

Greek is so much better.

Just because the guys are hotter and the girls are cuter and there's some build up there.

Plus cappie.

Cappie.. or should I say really cute boys make everything better.

In skins, like JJ is cute in the geek sorta way. Everyone else is pretty much very blah.

But I think Effy is cool though.

In gossip girl & 90210, there is a good plot and hot people.

One tree hill, James lafferty.

Enough said.

crime shows like dexter and criminal minds is alway good because psycho people always makes things awesome.

That's about it.

I watch too much television.

I think I need to talk to someone about TV to get it all outta my system.

My mom is driving me crazy though.

she's all like, "rachael, what about queensland"

like. I just accepted UBC's offer last night!??!?!

She's really driving me crazy because I'm thinking about it again.

I hate it when people question my decision after I've made it.

It's like, I have to think about it again, and like consider everything.

which annoys me very much.

The thing about me is that I follow whatever my heart tells me.

My head just doesn't work when i'm about to make decisions.

I hate making decisions.

I wish someone would just make them for me already.

I hate thinking about what I want.

But if I do know what I want,

stop bugging me about whether it's the right decision already.

it's so annoying.

I've been thinking about me moving to canada.

and it freaks the shit outta me.

I want to move there so bad,

at the same time,

everyone's here.

everyone's leaving later.

I'm leaving first.

I have to say goodbye to everyone at the same time.

I haven't been away like this before.

I wish there would be someone to help me make this transition easier.

I think I have to meet more people and talk to them.

Conversations really make me feel a lot better because I get new ideas from people.

Man,

I am so scared.

:(

i am so pleased

heheheheheheehhehehehehehe.

im sorry.

i cant stop giggling.

2010 has been a good year.

like, the UBC admission,

the QUT admission,

the awesome friends I've got,

the new people I've met,

and the cherry on top of this beautiful whip cream and icecream mix i have.

I got a merit for piano.

Yes that's right,

that really awesome miracle.

I know my grades suck,

I have an exam coming,

and I'm moving to another country real soon.

but so far,

this happiness strike just keeps on coming.

it's not that moving to canada is a bad thing.

just that I'll miss so many people, by going there.

oh oh, the cure's on tvvvvvv. :D

that totally adds to the list.

I can't describe how freaking amazing this feels.

like everything is in it's place.

I know I have been depressed like the first part of this year.

but I think the only way you're going when you're down is up.

but im a happy person despite the fact that I can't fucking eat anything.

which pisses me off.

but it's cool.

i can lose weight like that.

or so I hope.

i sound like a loser happy person.

but I don't care.

i love how it is now.

cos you know,

when all else fails in life,

there is greek and the joy of watching cappie in the most random costumes.

:DDDDDDD

alright. lunch with people I haven't seen since graduation.

blasé

I'm sorry I haven't been blogging much these days.

I've been trying to figure out where I want to go for university.

I got accepted to UBC and QUT.

Which is totally awesome because these are the two schools I want to go to.

But hmmm. canada or australia?

oh man.. this is an easy one.

CANADA.

there. I spelt it out for you.

Why?

Because I have this weird homely feeling with canada.

I love that place too much.

Somehow, I feel that I belong there.

These are the feelings now.

I hope they don't change.

My week has been filled with going out with people.

it's a good week.

but I'm sooooooooo tired.

I love the many conversations I had this week with people.

But like, there's too much alcohol in my system.

It's not good.. at all.

I'm hungry all the time.

Tmr's bbq day.

and I've been marinating chickens the whole night.

and I am so drained out doing that.

waking up at 0730 tmr just to get stingrays.

I think i'm a very lousy food planner.

I can never tell how much food is enough.

I think I bought too much?

well, not really.

I AM SO TIRED.

OK.

bath, and then sleep.

I smell like garlic.

ackkkkkkkkkkkk.

really long day tmr.

The end of this

The world gets to us

You know how they say, how you never really forget and you never really stop hurting. Watching shutter island today (How odd but yes, when they started talking about the brain, i started thinking) I realise how your brain just covers up your pain by making up something pleasant to make up for the pain. And I was also thinking about the other thing that I heard today, "you only believe compliments.", from FRIENDS.

Then I thought about all those people I've loved in my life, like if I really loved them. And I think, at some point, I do, but not now. It's like, my brain just tells me I don't because I don't want to remember the bad things. I would try to remember the good things that happened but then it'll lead me to think about the bad things and I don't want to be reminded of the bad things so I stop thinking of it completely, not forgetting, just not trying to remember those things so that I won't hurt again. Heartbreaks are the worst kinda pain there is. It's like stabbing yourself repeatedly in one spot over a period of time, and crying cos it hurts. Sometimes, you drop needles in that wound, rub salt into it, scratch it, tear the whole wound up again. But eventually, you get hung up on something else you remember the wound, and when you do remember the wound, you pick on it to see if it still hurts. It'll always hurt, but not as bad as the first time you stabbed yourself repeatedly. Thank god it only happened like twice in my life. Stabbing yourself repeatedly around the same spot doesn't hurt as bad anymore. But I don't think that's a good thing. I would rather feel the knife slide in and out of the skin than to feel nothing at all. Not being sadistic or anything but I would like the full experience. If it's not a full experience, I wouldn't want it.

This is why I don't understand why people get so many boyfs. Even when they're not goodlooking or have an ultra cool personality. It's like, you don't get real heartbreaks, you don't fall in love, you don't fight and feel anything. It's like you don't need to feel anymore, which totally defeats the purpose of actually having a love life and shit like that. Personally, I would rather feel everything, like the overwhelming feeling when you're going to meet someone who you think is right for you and get that crazy butterflies in your stomach for the entire day, even when you're with him, or that crazy mothereffing pain that your heart literally feels and you choke up so bad and cry for the entire night than to feel like, oh, i met this person, he is cute. erm. yeah. we got together, oh wait, now we broke up. like, how do you feel? erm. i'm alright i guess. no big deal.

It's only fun when it happens occasionally, something big like that happens to your life. I don't get how people do things to regularly, getting a boyf is like a weekly/monthly affair. I think you girls should get a hold of yourselves and think about it, I know we're young and shit like that but hey, like, there's more to life than getting a boyfriend. Maybe I'm just jealous you do get one a week or some shit like that.. but nawh. i'm cool with just fantasizing, watching greek and everything. I just don't get the point.

What I'm going to do with my life, you may ask is that I'm going to play around with my feelings and write some awesome music. I am only inspired when I get played by people and start writing about how I feel. I hate it when I'm like having writer's block or totally falling in love and writing some cliche nonsense crap. The best kinda music is songs about heartbreaks because that's when feelings are raw and you are like totally freaked out and scared. I love the raw, natural human feeling. I like looking at people and studying how they're like, like I realise that sometimes, when people are sad over the dumbest situations, they are really freaking ass sad but even though your comforting words are like the gayest most cliche things ever said to man, they want to hear it, because they'll feel better. Always tell people the most positive things to comfort them, but after awhile, they would have to embrace reality and so you have to hint to them what the reality of the situation first, but first, stop them from crying so they can go to the next phase, the I HATE YOU AND I DON'T WANT TO GIVE A SHIT phase.

That's what I learnt last week.

I shall just take the week to relax, read like at least one of the 10 books I've bought but not read yet, watch greek, erm. not lose weight cos I'm too fat and lazy to. and write crap, pick up the guitar and like learn some chords, compose some shit on the piano, scribble a bit, do some math, draw, think about money, draw on myself, meet up with a couple of people to have conversations with. I really do enjoy conversations nowadays, like taking about the future and like random things about people I know, like understand why people do certain things, get gossip, which is a very essential part of my life. But for some reason, gossip just makes me feel bad for people because gossip isn't really gossip when it involves something bad that happened to a person, it's like just, "OMFG. I FEEL SO BAD FOR THIS PERSON". kinda thing.

Anyways, Greek and Looking for alaska for like the next few days and nights. I have to stop like snacking. It's bad cos I'm being called chubby. Whatevs. I'm huggable.

tskkkkkkkkkkkkkkk.

Hello society

Got my parents real pissed off today,

I think it's cos I'm taking out on them cos I'm so frustrated at myself.

You know this transition time,

where you have absolutely, almost no idea what you want to do with your life,

it's like too short to start something big,

and very undecisive,

I mean, I don't even know which university wants me yet.

I'm so frustrated because I have no direction and I'm really tired.

The week's activities were killer,

like my piano exam,

which I'm damn scared I'm going to fail.

I don't want to practice ever again,

but ugh, whatever, if I don't pass.

And then acting,

which was tiring as hell,

but I loved almost every second of it.

It was so fulfilling and everything,

like, I know that's something I want to do and I'm happy doing.

I love performing for some reason.

Like I miss having a band and I miss being on stage where people are like watching you.

I miss that feeling, like when people are dancing to your music.

I think that's one of the most awesome feelings I've ever experienced.

I just want to rock out again,

like on stage.

Being a fan is also awesome.

PLACEBO WAS AMAZING.

Lead singer, Brian Molko.

Awesome.

Drummer with tattoos,

fucking awesome.

Loved every second of rocking out and being pissed at crazy ass bitch fans that jumps their ass off and keeps pushing me.

I'll push you back you motherfucking bitch.

So I've been thinking,

how I have to make more friends in this island since most of my other friends are leaving for everywhere.

Like, school is starting.

And I really want to start schooling again.

I know, it's like WTF right?

but really,

I miss being around people all the time.

People who piss me off, but at the same time, going through what I'm going through.

And like, people I can talk to randomly.

I would appreciate the freedom right about now.

I bet I'll go crazy at home soon.

Videos aren't working too good.

I'm going to start doing something different.

Like comedy and shit like that.

If I can do it.

They say I'm boring talking about shit.

I should just talk about like, nonsense that I want to say to people everyday on camera.

I miss talking shit to people everyday.

Like making up nonsense just to piss people off.

I'm going to lose the 'omfg rachael, what the fuck are you doing'

soon.

If I don't meet people, and like talk.

I need loads of conversations now.

I think I've had enough talking to army people,

I'm kinda bored talking about boys being all tough.

Makes me feel all unfit and fat and stuff.

Whatever dude.

I'm going to like, work out...

Wait.

That's not going to happen.

hahaahahhaahhahahahahahaha.

I think fat/chubby people are awesome.

We are funnier and more open to people.

I really like fat/chubby people with self esteem.

But I hate cocky people.

Like, just people who loves themselves for who they are.

Freaking hell.

I need those people to motivate me to be like them.

I can't stand being all 'omfg, i'm so fucking fat' everyday.

Man,

I think I need more self confidence.

I hate it when people bring me down,

and I have to keep pulling myself up.

Like, quit bugging me already.

Time, time.

What am I going to do with you?

I need someone to lean on for now.

It's so tough when you lose that.

Slob

I am currently freezing my ass off, blogging.

Cos even though you had the hottest shower in the world,

airconditioning + fan blowing + water that evaporates from your skin at the same time

just means you're gonna freezeeeee.

But i like it.

I like to know how it feels to pretend you're in a different climate and like experience the same feeling.

But like you can control your current climate.

Anyways,

I just want to say,

VERTIGO IS BACK.

so is migraine.

which mean, I HAVE TO START TAKING MEDS AGAIN.

this is horrible.

I SHOULD STOP SITTING ON SWIVEL CHAIRS.

like.

I do such random shit that makes my fishbowl of a head, or so steph calls it, spin.

I don't think I should like do anything crazy for a while.

Cant go clubbing, drinking and all that nonsense.

I shall stay at home, rethink what I'm going to do,

and like chris says, be an angel.

lawl.

right.

I'm just going to start all my artsy nonsense again.

I need to work on my drawing.

Cos it sucks so bad,

ok, not really. My painting sucks more.

You can see that in my previous posts.

So if you ask how my week is,

I'm just going to say, it was tiring,

not enjoyable and very mundane.

but of course monday started out interesting when I met the rest of the cast.

then tuesday and wednesday was work,

where the only interesting and fun part was me standing behind the counter, scooping up leftover milkshakes from the blender, and make drinks.

That's the only thing I miss from work.

Oh yes, and sanitising the tables and wiping the doors.

I love wiping the glass doors.

I like it when things are clean and orderly.

I really dont understand why I can do that in the restaurant and not my room.

Next week is so exciting.

First, piano life comes to an end on Monday.

That is tmr.

Wish me luck.

I suck,

but then again, I'M ALMOST DONE.

You know the weirdest thing about my parent's like they only care if I do well for my music, other than that its like, whatever dude, whatever u feel like.

I know they're like omfg, why are your results so bad,

and really, after that, they dont really care.

It's like so weird.

Like Music is more important than like school work in this place.

It's quite awesome.

I hate working for things anyways.

I prefer doing things that interest me.

And no one forces me to do.

Like playing nonsense on the piano,

like composing my own little tune, and there's no one to disturb me.

Or like creative writing assignments.

I love creative writing so much.

I don't think I'm that good at it,

But used to having your compositions read out in class meant something.

I like it when people read what I have to say,

like stuff that actually means something.

If there was a cause I stand for,

it'll be for girls to have a higher self esteem,

like stop obsessing over weight and shit like that, and like boys and all that nonsense.

like you're good the way you are.

unless you're a slut.

then it's not cool.

you know for some reason,

people i meet/find/stalk in my life like changes me for some reason.

I kinda like that.

I'm at this phase now,

where I want to be a better person,

like do the right thing, and like don't be so crazy and shit like that.

Cos being all like slutty and shit is not cool, and like I watched these girls on the maury show,

and they're like so screwed up.

although the irony is that im playing a slut but whatever man,

it's just acting.

I really dont want to be like that.

I'll still be cool, by not being such a bitch.

Speaking of acting,

I'm filming my first major role next week

for like 4 days straight.

I bet it's going to be tiring

but it'll be awesome.

Something I love to do since I was 4.

I watch too much tv.

I know I wanted to be on Barney when I was a kid.

I thought it was such a great show.

then after that, when I was like 18,

fucking barney girl spoilt my childhood dream by like carrying a whip and singing in american idol

like wtfffffffff.

But I think the best part about shows is the script.

The story has to be good,

and not gay at all, or cliche.

That is why I want to be a script writer.

I would like to be a comedy show writer.

I thought friends was mega amazing.

the jokes were too awesome.

Man,

I could kill to be anything close to those writers.

I've been playing the piano constantly the whole day,

and watching law and order: svu and CSI NY in between,

but what the hell

I hate it so much.

I hate the aural thing too much.

it's the worst.

I can't sing,

or like tell the cadences

OMFG. I WANT TO SHOOT THE PERSON WHO INVENTED CADENCES.

wtf is your problem?

trying to make someone's life so difficult.

freaking hell.

I hate it so much.

I shall wait for my hair to dry,

while watching greek.

I BET IT'LL BE AWESOME.

Cos it's sororities and shit like that.

man,

I would want to live in america after watching that.

that would not be good.

meh.

just in case you didn't know

Just in case you didn't know,

I asked you to stay.

Just in case you didn't know,

You're not the one for me.

Just in case you didn't know,

I find that thrill in talking to you.

Just in case you didn't know,

I am going to hang around until I figure you out.

Just in case you didnt know,

I want you to stay in my life, forever.

Just in case you didn't know,

I would like to get to know you.

Just in case you didn't know,

I'm crazy, thinking about you all the time now.

Just in case you didn't know,

I miss you.

Just in case you didn't know,

I'm still finding someone new.

Just in case you didn't know,

I'M FUCKING HUNGRY.

Blog me

Blogging.

The only thing that has been constant for me since I discovered it.

That's like 7 years of my life.

3 years - the start, was too gay to read.

I kept this blog constant for 4 years of my life.

That's the longest I've ever done anything constantly and enjoyed it.