i wish i could wish a wish

i honestly feel like crap these few days. it's like everything's getting surreal. i wake up every morning counting down the days before i leave. it gets more and more like a nightmare that i want to wake up from. i dont feel so ready anymore. i take one day at a time but taking one day at the time is bad because i dont think of the future, just how to live through to the next day. i always said i like to be stable, like know whats going to happen tmr, have a proper routine, that kinda thing. a goal. right now, it feels very unstable. but at least i know stability in the next 4 years. i just have to get over myself and hit that milestone that i have planned since i was younger. i always knew that i was going overseas, without my parents, like how my dad did. but i didn't know it was going to be this hard. this is just whining that i'll be doing constantly for the next few months, or just days. but i'm seriously going to miss this place, as much as i hate it here. im sure im going to love canada but honestly, the only thing holding me back is the people back here who are always here for me. im afraid that over there, i have no one. or i'll have nothing compared to the people i have here.

i think im scared of instability, because i don't know what's going to happen there. like, im seriously going to be on my own. taking care of myself. fighting my own fights alone, making new friends, studying alone, i don't know. it's so scary but such an adventure. im so excited and so scared at the same time. i think this is only normal. but im so sad about leaving. everyday, im reminded. my mom, my family, like everyone just tells me random shit that i hear everyday. it just makes me so sad. but i will not cry in front of them. i just wont. i have this problem, where i dont show emotion to people who are like my family or like people im not used to. like seriously, i pretend like i dont give a shit and everything. which is the most insensitive thing. but i guess thats how i show it. acting like everything is fine. i think i'll burst out crying in the end, at the airport. before i start a new life again.

fuck. this is so scary. take it away.