I'MDONEI'MDONEI'MDONEI'MDONE

I AM GOING TO REWARD MYSELF WITH A LOT OF SHOPPINGGGGGG!

yellow purple and blue

i got my first piece of clothing in the mail today.

whooooooooooooo.

such a thrill of opening the package. 

lol.

ONE MORE DAY!

rachael.

finish up your comclusion and appendix and stuff the pix in the doc and delete like 200 words.

you'll be fine by tmr.

FUCKING HELL.

THIS TAKES FOREVER.

online shopping is still addictive. 

:)

OMFG.

RACHAEL SHOULD...

GET THE FUCK OFF FACEBOOK AND SHOPPING ONLINE AND WATCHING GOSSIP GIRL AND DOING STUPID QUIZZES.

AND START REDOING HER EE, FINISH UP TOK AND ECONS COMMENTARY AND PHYSICS PRACS. 

GAHHHHHHHHHHH. ):

yesterday night

you can't read me like an open book.

1. My room's antartica, the country is like the sahara.

A tank top and a hoodie. perfect for the flippin' weather. 

im not going out of this room till it rains.

2. EE is almost done. whooooooooooo!

3. i'll be your best friend tmr.

4. online shopping is freaking addictive. shit. i can't stop. 

5. HOLYMOTHEREFFINGSHIT. math portfolio given out next week + physics test + recital + math test + tok essay + econs commentary. 

6. I need to read a book

7. WHO WANTS TO HELP ME CLEAN MY TABLE!?

8. I've been playing Virtual Villages. Some really effed up game, which i really dont know why im playing it, and i've been playing it since 2 sundays ago, restarted the whole bloody thing because males do not reproduce together and the woman is like freaking old and she doesnt want babies. I have to finish all the freaking missions. I HAVE TO. its going to be the first time i finish what i started. LOL.

9. im breaking out. I need my blue and yellow pills. Pills are the solution to anything.

10. im so busy every freaking week. 4 more weeks till this craziness stops temporarily. I hate worrying so much.

ilikegirlsnow

i

would

totally

turn lesbian for her.

god. she's cute. 

Katherine Moennig

made up make up

when i called out your name and said i love you,

i thought you'd say it back.

but you ran away.

i guess you were afraid of me, or to love again.

i have to lose weight.

gah.

i need to look good again.

lalala.

ib is killing me.

and when im bored and stressed, 

i'd go cook something,

cos it's fun.

5 more days till i get next month's allowance.

whooo!

sucks being broke.

L word is addictive.

almost done with season 2 guys. (:

i'm getting fatter again

i really have to get off facebook.

i hate it when my internet is so fucking slow.

i cant watch the L word.

and yes, that's what i've been up to alright.

i didnt go out today,

other than for the music workshop and piano.

i suppose to go out today,

but my mom was like,

" rachael, don't go out. it's too hot."

hell yeah it is. 

so fucking hot these days, 

doesnt let me wear my usual- hoodies and some wierd shirt.

cos it's too hot to.

i suppose to be doing my ee,

but im so tired.

i slept from 9pm till 7.30 this morning.

and im tired the whole day.

oh well.

the weirdest and most frustrating thing about staying at home is that my mom makes me eat.

and she's all like rachael, you're fat now, we'll eat salad tonight.

later, she's like rachael eat this. and i'm like but you called me fat.

she's like no. you're not fat. 

i swear. 

i dont know whats up with that.

cos all i wana do is to watch the L word.

yes, it's addictive.

i wish ee was so addictive.

i dont think i wana bath today,

too lazy.

i'll just go sleep or something.

it's not like im seeing anyone or meeting anyone tmr.

hah. 

the best parts about being single.

you do whatever you want.

whooooooooooooooooooooo!

watch out guys

watch out guys.

break ups are now in season.

so start with the broken hearts and razor blades,

the alcohol and the eye-bagged face.

the blood shot eyes and cigarette ashes.

soon, we'll watch everyone break.

one by one.

dominoes crashing down again. 

what took so long to build.

yes, that's the way the cookie crumbles.

i'm over the whole i hate you you suck, how could u do this to me phase.

whatever you know.

now its your turn.

because

we'll make these teenage hearts beat faster and faster,

and their words get nastier and nastier.

their bodies quicken with the pace.

their fingers moving around the waist

till their mind goes blank.

stab. 

cram the dirt

he stabbed me once,

and the mob joined in.

I am starting on my TOK essay.

it's good to know that i'm doing work.

i really like philosophy.

it's just thinking about life that confuses you,

but it's challenging.

the good kind of challenging.

not the physics sort of challenging.

cos you know there's no right answer.

3. I looked beyond the classroom walls, and saw you behind it. That face that you possess. That face that I realized I once loved. I saw it for a minute. I missed that. It was a glimmer of hope again. I know you'd never come back. I wouldn't either. Being this way isn't bad, but it could be better. Time heals all wounds. I hope it heals yours too. I miss you, that I can't deny. It's one of those days I wished you were mine again. It'll last for an hour or so. Only an hour, and i'll move on with my life again.

2. I'm glad we are at the stage we are at now. I can't believe it took about 2 years to reach it. You're retarded. I forgot how you were like. Refreshing memories are fine, but I don't miss you like I did before. 

4. Let's wait till you're old enough to realise what your life has become. Don't be fooled by their ages. Their mental age is 5. 

time is running out

oh, this is fucked up.

i spent the whole night watching stuff.

one tree hill and gossip girl is back, btw.

heroes is always good, as long as it's not the second season.

so i shall now update you with my ee progress.

lalala. word count now: 3166.

i'll write about 500 words before the night ends,

so i can sleep.

so anyways,

i realized something today.

like after watching one tree hill.

i'm not cynical of love like i thought i would be.

and i see my friends with their boys.

i think its cute.

so yeap. 

i'm just going to enjoy my time being single.

cos now, i have friends and it's good.

and it's fun doing crazy things together.

i like this arrangement for now.

no more spoiling friendships for relationships.

now's not the time y'll.

hah. look who's talking.

my internet is fucked up.

and i'm really tired.

i should stop dumping crap in my room.

it's getting bad.

gahhh. 

i need a maid.

who am i?

you know, the tv is one of the best things there is.

i get some inspiration from the stuff i watch.

and i do write about it.

you'd get outside your home without being outside your home.

i think that's why a lazy bugger like me likes it.

writing is one of the best things you can ever do.

i won't be able to survive without expressing myself through it.

but ah well, it's not like i'm that good anyways.

i know i've been saying this like a million times,

but like I NEED TO FINISH MY EE.

but i'm stuck the the L word.

now, it's season 2.

and yes, i know i suppose to do my ee.

but hey. L word is so much more interesting.

so anyways. 

watching it today made me think about who i am,

and who i'm becoming.

what's behind this is the thought of me not being anyone of the characters in the show.

in fact, i'm not smart, or hot, or successful or broken like anyone of them.

i want to know what i am.

i want to know how you find yourself.

i want to know shane gets a girl without telling her i like you,

and i really love her self confidence.

gah. she's hot.

but back to the main point,

i want to know what i am.

lalala. i know, it's very odd.

the weird thing about teenage self discovery.

but ah well. these kinda shit makes you think.

also, my dad was telling me how i was like when i was a kid.

i could tell you that the whole time, 

i was either, aww. that kid's sweet. or hahahaha. she's not what you think she is.

its actually more of self discovery that i say i'd do everything i say i won't.

looking back on everything i was in secondary school and now.

i am very sure that i've made almost a 180 degree change.

some maybe for the better, 

some may not be.

but hey, what's life with regrets?

my motto in life is: do what you want but don't regret it later, cos you know you shouldn't and it makes no sense to.

ok fine, ONE of my life's mottos. 

hah.

back to ee guys.

hey baby baby, what's that you're calling me

ee is fucked up shit.

im going to screw it and sleep now.

i finish about 600 words today. another 1500 tmr or something.

my similarities and conclusion, 

and then im done.

all done with this shit.

i can't believe im redoing it again.

it's getting better,

don't worry.

fucking hell.

my head hurts.

i'm poppin' pills

i feel like the guy in fight club.

the part where he describes his insomnia is exactly how i feel now.

i am so fucking tired, 

but i can't sleep without popping a pill or something.

it's bad, i know.

but i can't fucking sleep. 

and i need sleep.

it is so crucial to have it so that i can function.

but no, no one wants to give me sleep.

cos when you do,

some fucked up dream would come up,

and i'll think about it the whole day.

it annoys me so much.

so anyways, i added about 200 words for ee today. 

about 2000 more words to go.

i'm so zoned out still.

it took me forever to get to sleep last night.

blue pill, red pill, green pill, yellow pill. 

we're all addicted to something right?

she's a freak, and so am i. we'll all be freaks.

went for a gig today.

i know i suppose to do ee.

but ah well.

too tired.

did a bit of tok though.

i don't know why i'm blogging.

i guess im just bored.

im so zoned out right now.

today has been a blur.

maybe its cos of the lack of sleep. 

gah.

when he rejects you, a best friend would go up to him and say " it's because you're gay isn't it!?"

my EE is not done.

lalala.

im tired.

i wanna sleep soon.

i think i am some what dysfunctional.

also because i have the weirdest moods.

i do whatever i want with whatever i feel.

today. i jumped around a lot. 

then i stoned a bit.

then i bitched about people all of a sudden.

and then felt sad for a bit.

then i watched people going past me for awhile

then i played solitaire.

MUST FINISH EE BY SUNDAY.

TOK essay research tmr,

then a gig.

going out to make waffles is funnnn.

because i'm the awesome waffle maker.

who makes pink waffles,

and cinnamon waffles,

and vanilla waffles,

and pink cinnamon vanilla waffles.

COATED WITH CHOCOLATE AND MAPLE SYRUP.

i am awesome that way.

making really weird things i find in step's kitchen.

i miss people.

like bellll!

gees. where in the world are you!?

and socks and char.

need to go out when i'm less broke. 

oh, my dad found out.

he ask me to work.

i wont ask for more money either.

i shall teach my brother math.

and then get more money for more awesome clothes.

lalala.

i like girls now

pop.

ee is due on monday.

stab.

i suck at the violin.

boom.

i suck at the piano.

splash.

american idol!

screech.

i'm meeting steph soon,

scream.

i'm not ready yet.

SLICE.

EE MUST BE DONE BY TONIGHT.

chop.

start TOK essay by saturday.

Music

today, i was at music,

and i was thinking about what it meant to me.

we are studying 20th century music now.

songs that i actually listen too.

and so, today we listened to the beatles.

while we were analyzing the song, 

i got really bored.

i really don't like analyzing anything,

other than literature (yes, i have found the joy in that).

i think music should just remain a mystery,

which is for entertainment.

playing music is a whole new different thing,

and i prefer to play it my way,

instead of how the composer wants me to play it.

cos i just don't like it.

Music is better the when i listen to it.

i think if it remained that way,

i would have loved it more.

maybe i'd composer something one day.

so maybe that's why i'm learning music.

gah.

i confuse myself.

but still.

somethings in life,

should remain a mystery.

it's not nice to take that mystery away to become something confusing and logical.

i think i just submit to my curiosities too much,

somethings are better left secret.

but nawh. exploring is fun. :D

you're just in time to witness my first breakdown

I guess the stress is crawling up to everyone now.

it's annoying, really.

everyone's either falling sick or turning psycho and breaking down.

hah. im trying not to turn into anything like that right now.

finish all my work and hand it in.

what else do people talk about these days other than HAVE YOU DONE YOUR EE?

or OMG, I'M SO FUCKING STRESSED OUT.

yeap. that's about it for everyone's lives.

so much to do,

and we regret wasting time.

like me, now. 

but then again,

i suppose to go out now for tuition.

tuition. -.-

i am going to start motivating myself or something.

or i'd die from work overload. 

somebody save me, i don't know myself.

 I said that was the last post, but I don't think there'll ever be a time where I'd completely forget you, unless I have Alzheimer's or something. I don't think I'd ever want to, or think I'll ever need to. After all that's happened, I haven't forgotten, everything is still so clear. Also, someone who'd push me to doing work and actually smarter and stronger mentally to make me go to distances that I can't go by myself. Yes, that's what you were to me. I think what I'm trying to say is that I miss what we were, I miss the times when everything was so simple and the workload isn't so heavy. I miss being care-free, and having more friends than I have now, but it's not that my friends now are bad or anything. I really like them, don't get me wrong. They're simpler and fun. Like I was telling sharon today, the group is made up of people looking for good clean fun. I think that's what i need now, so I won't get too smashed or anything, anytime soon and neglect school work and what not. But I guess I learnt too much from school in these 2 months, how people are like, what back-stabbing really is, what stress is, and waking up feeling like a zombie. Also, you know I like heartbreaks and all but I think stress plus the nostalgic memories of everything the I miss is killing me, very slowly, but very surely, after this course, I'm going to be set for life. Hah. I know I suppose to be studying for tests and doing thousand word essays right now, but i think this place is my stress reliever. I can't wait for my life to be simpler than anything I'm going through now. It's too much things in one's head that drives them crazy. There's too much capacity in the brain but too much of different information processing at the same time just confuses you and blocks out the more important things like facts you study. 

Right now, I don't know what I'm talking about anymore. I should stop. I'm really tired. A test tmr and an essay due. It'll get better soon, hopefully.

If this goes on any longer, I think I'm going to start stabbing myself with piercings or something.

I FOUND MY EYELINER!

the eyeliner is very important. 

it does the following..

1. makes you eyes bigger.

2. make sure you don't touch your eyes.

3. makes you look better than you already do.

4. makes you look scarier.

5. it's your best friend.

i think its only important to me because i like drawing on myself.

lalala. 

one day,

i'll get too much practice from drawing on myself in school,

and turn to a pro tattoo artist.

 i think im going through a new phrase.

its called, damn-...-i-cant-stop-listening-to-the-beatles-while-doing-a-stupid-dance.

one day,

you'll see me do something retarded like that.

and you'd know what im listening to.

i think its cos i just watch across the universe.

i know its a bit late.

but i finally got myself to watch it.

its gooooooood.

:D

i like it.

musicals are always good.

oh. did i tell you how broke i am?

its 50 bucks for the rest of the month. 

yes. im broke now.

and it's the beginning of the month.

oh well. 

it's called, "rachael! it's time to loose weight!"

i will.

too fat now.

gahhhhhhhhh.

anyways,

WORLD LITERATURE.

is the crappiest thing you'd ever do.

why?

because you're writing about something nobody cares about.

i personally dont find evaluating things fun.

anything un-fun makes me procrastinate.

if shopping or writing my own stories were homework,

i'd be happy to do it for you any day.

i think, it's a better skill.

having good taste takes training. 

and writing takes more training.

but no, not writing about stuff like why the writer uses this or this technique.

i shall correct my world lit.

and make footnotes, which i absolutely hate.

it's really useless.

im so screwed. i have to get through this week.

finish ee!

YES. I MUST.

and do well for econs.

one step at the time baby.

this is for esther.

it'll be too long before i get over you.

ps. i still miss you.

this is what i have to accomplish in one day.

which is tmr.

1. finish world lit.

2. roughly done with ee.

3. econs essay.

4. study for econs test.

5. math homework.

wow. 

guess what i did today?

500 world lit words.

and then it was the headache.

gahhhhhh.

i don't like it.

i need to slp.

my itunes is still screwed up. 

:'(

there's no music.

:( x9548203948324

i should really go sleep,

before i do anything to screw my comp up more.

all that we feel tonight, won't be there in the morning.

i have a huge headache.

and i just cleared my table. |)

and i have world lit to do. :(

i am extremely tired.

arghh.

i need sleep.

i've been walking very clumsily the whole day.

must start on work.

gahhhh.

panadol.

:(

oh, and 

i love you too celine. :D

one day, i would squeeze you.

it always gets better as it goes along.

good friday's good.

for once in my life,

i dont stay at home, 

or go to church on this day.

and no, i didn't get drunk today. lol.

i wanted to though.

girl's day out is fun.

havent had like so many girls out at one time.

i miss how i used to go out with squad.

but this arrangement is fine too.

major gossip sessions and girl talk,

next time, 

there would be truth or dare.

:D

i am so broke for the month.

it's the start,

and i only have 100 bucks left

im going to go loose weight 

yay.

my fat-ness would be gone by june.

so i can get a piercing.

yay.

i want a new piercinggggggggg. 

lalala.

I'VE GOT SKULL CANDYYYYY!

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

oh. 

today,

a group of weird looking guys were walking towards us,

while we were crossing the overhead bridge.

it was damn scary.

cos one just walked towards me with this pervy grin.

and i just stared at him.

it was freaking scary.

oh well.

thank god for the many girls around me.

or i won't know what would happen.

from cam whoring to me being high cos it's night,

and from crashing korea and ice cream,

we should do this more often.

lalala.

and i love you tessa.

good night.

you're shrinking like an anorexic bitch

i think i'm going to be obsessed over this for awhile.

its a theremin. 

it can be a musical instrument,

and you play it by directing the air.

you have no contact with the instrument at all.

i wanna learn to play it.

it sounds like a very bad violin,

sometimes, it sounds like opera.

but it's fascinating.

i really wana learn how to play it.

and i will. one day.

ee this week,

again.

it's going to end soon. i promise.

on the side note,

i think its canada for me.

like always.

getting my PR there.

and then my future is just a mere fog.

after education here,

it'll be living alone for me in a foreign land.

sounds like fun, and at the same time, scary.

i prefer to stay positive about it.

no family.

just me,

and friends.

i hope.

when you find you, come back to me.

you know, 

it feels good doing nothing sometimes.

but the thing is.

i do nothing every weekend.

and i'm bored now.

and i don't feel like doing any work.

so im googling really random crap.

and talking to people,

and playing very random crap games on fb.

even when i have 2 tests tmr.

alright.

we'll find answers in the television.

it's better than being on this computer.

makes me think about homework.

which i dont wana do.

cos homework is for the weekdays.

one day,

i'll die of workoverload due to procrastinations like this.

we'd go back to square one, with more knowledge this time

IOC went well,

to say the least.

it's loads of school crap now.

like ee and tests and presentations.

the after-ioc shopping and killing zombies was real good.

the drama's ended for now.

I HOPE.

school's the priority now.

i forgot how its like to have friends.

it's a good feeling.

boys are kinda outta the picture for now.

or awhile.

it's good.

i bet girl's night out would be awesome. 

:D 

can't wait. 

i hadn't had that for a long long longggg time!

and ps. i still need my drinking session.

where were you?

OMG.

IOC TMR.

i am freaking out..