found.

Remember the rivers the floods?

They were crashing all around.

The trees were turned over,

The houses were broken.

I was laying there.

In the middle on that thunderstorm.

Waiting.

"Have you seen the sun?"

Your voice cried out,

In the middle of the storm.

"What?"

I thought.

You grabbed my hand and pulled me onto your raft.

Broken, was everything around me.

But not you.

We tried to get away from the storm.

But no,

it was too crazy for our small bodies.

So we laid there.

Waiting.

You pulled me close.

We were both shivering in the cold.

What else mattered?

Nothing.

We lost everything.

So we were waiting.

Waiting for death.

Waiting for the storm to stop.

Waiting to stop shivering.

And out of nowhere,

you whispered in my ear,

"i found the sun."

And I was in your arms.

Waiting.

you're a bleeding heart

it's not ok.

when you are leaving and you are in the car and you are choking up,

realising it's just a dream and you wake up to reality and realise you're crying in your sleep.

and when you realise you're crying, you cry some more cos you know you're leaving.

and that you're going to leave your family.

and your face cringes making tears fall like crazy.

then you toss on the bed.

thinking, "it's not time yet."

it's not ok.

when goodbye is silent.

i don't understand it.

just say it.

it would hurt.

but not as bad as wondering.

no.

i take that back.

maybe mysteries are better than closures.

no.

i cannot decide.

maybe.

it's not ok.

when you have to meet so many people to say goodbye.

it leaves you outta breath.

sometimes, saying goodbye to people you're not so close to..

just brings out the fake smiles and nice gestures.

they don't mean anything.

i don't want to go out with you, you, and you.

it's not ok.

i want to be around people I love,

who loves me back.

not the rest of you.

sometimes,

i want to be alone.

say goodbye to my close ones.

and leave.

not drown myself with goodbyes.

making me feel worst than i already am feeling.

goodbye should mean something.

maybe we should change it.

it should be see you later.

but then who reads into these things?

So fucking gorgeous

You are so gorgeous,

that I can't help but stare.

You are so gorgeous,

that each breath I take, your look just takes it away.

You are so gorgeous,

that the world caves in to your beauty, climbs into your doorways just to admire.

You are so gorgeous,

that you could earn a fortune by taking a penny from people who turn back to look at you.

You are so gorgeous,

that everything you do or touch is worth something.

You're so gorgeous,

that you can't stand the staring.

You're so gorgeous,

that you can't stand the whisperings at the sidelines.

You're so gorgeous,

that you look at yourself in the mirror and be repulsed.

You're so gorgeous,

that every living being inside you wants to come out black and rotten.

You're so gorgeous,

that when people stare, you want to gorge out their eyeballs.

You're so gorgeous,

that you're afraid you'll get raped.

You're so fucking gorgeous,

you want to turn hideous and die.

attention whore

I'm a very interesting piece of work.

I can never be content with what I have.

Everything won't be enough.

Maybe only you are.

Sometimes I wonder if I didn't take those steps,

you will be my square one.

It has always been you at the back of my mind,

reminding me about my what ifs.

I know I hurt myself along the way.

But it's only to make sure that I'm sure about what I want.

But I can't say it can't I?

I'll freak myself out.

I lived with it since the moment I met you.

Fuck me.

I can't not be critical of everything.

failure

“It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all – in which case, you fail by default.”

—	J.K. Rowling

I love to fail.

Only because I love the emotions you get behind it.

Only because I love climbing back up again.

I love to fall and get back up.

Because not being able to fail just fails the meaning of life.

To be cautious and not fall is not a preventative measure.

It's just something you tell yourself to be prepared to fall.

In other words, it's an I told you so.

But to climb back up is to test your strength.

No, I'm not asking you to fall all the time,

but when you try something new,

Risk it all.

Just so you can learn.

Start out big,

Just so you won't make the same mistakes.

Who said the lightbulb was invented without failing.

Or electricity was discovered without killing.

Falling is a step to get back up.

Don't be afraid to fall just because you're afraid of climbing back up.

My name is not Rachael

We sat there in silence in at open bar,

listening to yelling, crying, screaming.

We watched people lit themselves on fire,

running around in the mist.

We sat there untouched by the creatures that sat around us,

those hoping, smoking, laughing.

I finally opened my mouth,

letting out, " you?"

and I heard " Marley."

I am not Rachael.

I am a girl at the bar finding traces of herself that she left behind from the past.

We do not speak.

"Whiskey"

Something he left for me,

now my poison.

We sat there watching,

Your hand filled up the arch of my palm.

I do not feel anything.

We started having a conversation about what the world is made of,

beauty, peace, war,

superficial.

I thought of you,

What your world was made of.

Mine was him.

You've got me wrong.

I found what was left of me.

My name is not Rachael.

I am living in the memory of him.

Forgotten,

Nothing.

Dirty slut bitch cow whore

I wrote you on the palm, on my fingers.

Backwards, Sideways, Forward, Front.

You stained me with juices so foul on my hand.

I ran backwards through the mist,

hoping time would split,

wishing I could go back and wouldn't exist.

Sidewards, Backwards, Forward, Front.

My hand is slipping through the cracks of your fingers.

I'm lost again.

Dream, Wandering, Losing, Inside.

Sturdy and firm.

I want to go back home.

My fingertips traced the arch of your bones.

My lips trailed slowly behind.

Turning, Twirling, Skipping, Hopping.

I stay on your side.

Dirty, Slut, Bitch, Cow, Whore.

Dear Ray

My dearest Ray of Sunshine,

I think I've been in love with you for far too long.

That time, I thought of me going away from you while watching a music video on MTV, and it made me cry.

The way you look at me,

the way you talk to me.

The things you do around me.

I'll miss that so much.

Honestly, you are one of the few things I want to keep in my world.

You don't know that.

It'll be that secret I'll keep from you.

I've been thinking about you so much since that night.

I think I'll keep that too myself too.

I just wanted to let you know,

I'll always have that thing for you,

no matter what,

no matter where I am.

new tattoos

you know how i said i was over it?

i'm sorry. 

it was just an eclipse that blocked you away.

you, my sun.

for the longest time.

right up there so high.

pretty bird, my distraction.

but she won't be there for long.

somewhere in there,

you'd stay.

no winds or earthquakes would destroy you.

but one day, the sea waves would crash into you.

but until then,

it's not going to change.

i'd never go back to stay.

but hey there.

don't throw me away.

yellow sunshine.

your rays are dripping down your body.

never ending rain drops from my face.

you're here to stay.

watch out guys

watch out guys.

break ups are now in season.

so start with the broken hearts and razor blades,

the alcohol and the eye-bagged face.

the blood shot eyes and cigarette ashes.

soon, we'll watch everyone break.

one by one.

dominoes crashing down again. 

what took so long to build.

yes, that's the way the cookie crumbles.

i'm over the whole i hate you you suck, how could u do this to me phase.

whatever you know.

now its your turn.

because

we'll make these teenage hearts beat faster and faster,

and their words get nastier and nastier.

their bodies quicken with the pace.

their fingers moving around the waist

till their mind goes blank.

stab. 

Refuge

I shall go back to my refuge, the cave that I retreat to after being sought after by arrows. My cave, where I’m a cynic of love, where everything is blunt and broken. I don’t have the extra arrows or torches, I lost all at war. It’ll be dark and moody. I’d be alone, again. I won’t believe in love or hope anymore. It always disappoints you. I’d fear nothing because the most had hurt me. I’ve been hunted down by arrows, been shot by rifles yet I am still alive. I can survive anything now, for I am invincible. The lions, the bears, the bats, they are my friends. They always have been. We survive anything. We are the hunter and not the hunted. Like vampires, we are invincible. There is no more fire, no more spark. The cave glistens darkness.

Believe me, I tried. I really did, but I was a hopeless soldier. Now my cave, my friends, we shall change that, because we are going to me invincible and hope and love shall never bring us down again. We’d be challenged but we should never give in. We would at one point, but not anytime soon. We should never give in to our enemies and we shall never put our guard down. They lie. You see, we ran out of bullets and all that’s left are shell casings reminding us how we lost.

My friends, we’ll pick ourselves up and hunt for the deers and the antelopes. We would pick on the weaker species. We’d break its every bone and tear it apart, till its insides spill out. That would be the glory we would savour together. Together, my friends, we could do anything. We’d be stronger after all these. We’d be stronger and better. No one’s going to save us. We’d save ourselves now.

whirlwind

the temporary is a gust of wind,

now there's a whirlwind coming along.

i'm draged by my feet.

it's in the air.

my nose touches the floor,

i'm lifted up.

spinning round and round in circles.

no, i can't hang on.

pieces of metal scratches my legs,

again and again.

splinters of wood is out of the floor.

it stabs me,

harder and harder each time.

'when is this going to end?'

forks.

they fly through the air like darts.

i dodge but now,

it hits my arms and pierces it like bullets.

everything is flying around.

its a blur.

i can't stand on my feet.

i'm flying,

around to nowhere.

no one's gonna save me now.

cos we'll never know

you don't know when she'd stare,

you don't know how she'd look at you.

you don't know what she thinks,

when your lips are used.

you don't know what she wants,

you don't know what she mimes,

but maybe, just maybe,

it's you that's left behind.

and its candies and chocolate all over again.

nothing taste as sweet as candy when we were kids.

it seems too sweet for our taste now.

so what is our candy now when we are older?

cigarettes and alcohol.

bitterness, yum.

not the taking back sunday song

I’m a complicated little object.
I twist and turn to make you feel bad.
You want me within your grasp.
But I’m this little object that screws up eventually.
You see, I’m not a simple matter you could trust.
I am a perpetual liar.
I am a compulsive liar.
I’ll lie whenever I can,
Big or small lie,
I’ll never tell the truth.
You know you can never be with me since the day I learnt that everything is not what it looks like.
Don’t tell me the truth about anything.
It’ll never come out right.

Liar, liar.
Yes, that’s what I am.
Don’t tell me to pass a message.
Don’t tell me how you feel.
In my head it’ll just come out wrong.

You’ll never seem to be able to trust me completely.
There’s something you see that is just off about me.
Nothing would ever be right with me.
I write everything that comes to my head.
I say anything I feel like.
But it never comes out right.

I’m your liar who sneaks the truth in perplexed ways.
You’ll never know what is right or wrong.
I’ll never tell you what I’m thinking.
You’ll never know either.
Don’t try to get into my head.
It’s a rough big crazy world of my own in there.
You’d never get me.

Liar, liar.
Yes, that’s what I am.
You’re instincts tell you so.
I’m an addict.
You know that so.

again, and we'll set this place on fire

i'll tell you what i am,

if you tell me what you are.

we'll make mixtapes,

and pull the little brown string out.

we'll change the colors of the traffic light,

and change signboards.

we'll draw on the ground with old white chalk,

and leave our mark on the floor.

we'll create our own revolution,

and no one would know it was us.

we'll run our own world,

we'll create a new place,

with rules you've never heard of.

it'll be just you and me.

i'll write my own book,

and the title would be your name.

it'll be nothing about you,

but of the revolution we create between us.

we'll sit on the streets,

eating icecream and drawing on our feet.

watching people as they walk,

and listening to the things they talk.

we'll point to people as we speak,

telling ourselves their story.

you'll get me a rose a day.

they say it keeps the bees away.

i'll write my songs and you'll dance to your beat.

then we'll have the night to punch each other till we're beat.

i'm just saying the fun we'll have,

just running around in circles and talking till the night ends,

we'll never do.

we'll never lie on an empty road,

or roll down a hill.

but i promise,

it'll just be you and me.

no one else but us.

the portrait of death

one by one,

they slowly go.

into the river?

i don't know.

but it seems to be some strange pattern.

they are taken by the same strange person.

his hands are cold,

his teeth are white,

he doesn't sleep,

even though you might.

scattered along the paths to the field,

the flowers grow,

and so do weeds too.

the mother of all strange sights,

i'll lie in the fields at midnight,

eating boiled peanuts,

and beers i might.

it scares me slowly,

it tortures me for a bit,

and then in the end,

a little slit.

we're going off,

one by one.

it's not a choice.

it's the time that matters,

and now its time for yours.

strangers

I feel you again.
your smell crawls under my skin.
It sends those thrills down my spine,
and exasperates everything else.
We've been so far apart.
We hardly speak.
Have you forgotten me?

I feel the carpet move underneath my feet.
I'm swept away.
The things around me evaporate,
and i find myself in a blank white space.
In infinity, i assume.
You don't appear.

I breathe finally,
and i turned away.
I know you're there.

Right back where we started.
Ignorant, insincere.
You taught me everything.
But i now stand here.
You are nothing to me.


-RACHAELT

behind these walls

You're unlike the ones i know;

so demanding,

but yet too fulfilling.

Besides the pains and the scars i have,

they bring memories of you.

the blood drops,

the high velocity spatters,

and the fears i once knew.

The uncanny-like features of your dark grey face-

the only color of your face i remembered.

Only right now,

it's so silent,

so delicate,

so calm, serene.

You look better peaceful and quiet.

I've cleaned upthe house for you.

stay in the wallsand never come out.

you couldn't anyway.

Now, only the nights i fear.

You know i don't fear you no more.

The trigger of happiness sends a sense of peace i have longed.

I'm not regretting, no doubt.

You are behind these walls.

I'm moving away.

Stay in there my dear.

You'd never find me anyway.

You'd never hurt me anymore.

hey honey

hey honey, let's go now,

to the riverside lines.

And fall on the waters,

you know i'll catch you from behind.

Or maybe, let's make it easier,

you can carry me from the back.

You know you can make it all alright,

you just have to say something back.

We could sit on the roof

and just be kinky all night long.

It'll just be the memories,

you know i've waited for this

oh, so long!

I trust that you know,

you want me so bad.

so come on, baby

come right here, you'd be my mismatch.

We could do nothing, but laze around all day.

I'll be willing to be there.

There's nothing than being anyone,

but yours in this haystack.

We'll chew gum and play pool,

so you could look at my behind.

and honey, if you'll be so nice,

i may just take you home tonight.

hah. i worte this like eons ago. god knows what inspired me. lol.