The world gets to us

You know how they say, how you never really forget and you never really stop hurting. Watching shutter island today (How odd but yes, when they started talking about the brain, i started thinking) I realise how your brain just covers up your pain by making up something pleasant to make up for the pain. And I was also thinking about the other thing that I heard today, "you only believe compliments.", from FRIENDS.

Then I thought about all those people I've loved in my life, like if I really loved them. And I think, at some point, I do, but not now. It's like, my brain just tells me I don't because I don't want to remember the bad things. I would try to remember the good things that happened but then it'll lead me to think about the bad things and I don't want to be reminded of the bad things so I stop thinking of it completely, not forgetting, just not trying to remember those things so that I won't hurt again. Heartbreaks are the worst kinda pain there is. It's like stabbing yourself repeatedly in one spot over a period of time, and crying cos it hurts. Sometimes, you drop needles in that wound, rub salt into it, scratch it, tear the whole wound up again. But eventually, you get hung up on something else you remember the wound, and when you do remember the wound, you pick on it to see if it still hurts. It'll always hurt, but not as bad as the first time you stabbed yourself repeatedly. Thank god it only happened like twice in my life. Stabbing yourself repeatedly around the same spot doesn't hurt as bad anymore. But I don't think that's a good thing. I would rather feel the knife slide in and out of the skin than to feel nothing at all. Not being sadistic or anything but I would like the full experience. If it's not a full experience, I wouldn't want it.

This is why I don't understand why people get so many boyfs. Even when they're not goodlooking or have an ultra cool personality. It's like, you don't get real heartbreaks, you don't fall in love, you don't fight and feel anything. It's like you don't need to feel anymore, which totally defeats the purpose of actually having a love life and shit like that. Personally, I would rather feel everything, like the overwhelming feeling when you're going to meet someone who you think is right for you and get that crazy butterflies in your stomach for the entire day, even when you're with him, or that crazy mothereffing pain that your heart literally feels and you choke up so bad and cry for the entire night than to feel like, oh, i met this person, he is cute. erm. yeah. we got together, oh wait, now we broke up. like, how do you feel? erm. i'm alright i guess. no big deal.

It's only fun when it happens occasionally, something big like that happens to your life. I don't get how people do things to regularly, getting a boyf is like a weekly/monthly affair. I think you girls should get a hold of yourselves and think about it, I know we're young and shit like that but hey, like, there's more to life than getting a boyfriend. Maybe I'm just jealous you do get one a week or some shit like that.. but nawh. i'm cool with just fantasizing, watching greek and everything. I just don't get the point.

What I'm going to do with my life, you may ask is that I'm going to play around with my feelings and write some awesome music. I am only inspired when I get played by people and start writing about how I feel. I hate it when I'm like having writer's block or totally falling in love and writing some cliche nonsense crap. The best kinda music is songs about heartbreaks because that's when feelings are raw and you are like totally freaked out and scared. I love the raw, natural human feeling. I like looking at people and studying how they're like, like I realise that sometimes, when people are sad over the dumbest situations, they are really freaking ass sad but even though your comforting words are like the gayest most cliche things ever said to man, they want to hear it, because they'll feel better. Always tell people the most positive things to comfort them, but after awhile, they would have to embrace reality and so you have to hint to them what the reality of the situation first, but first, stop them from crying so they can go to the next phase, the I HATE YOU AND I DON'T WANT TO GIVE A SHIT phase.

That's what I learnt last week.

I shall just take the week to relax, read like at least one of the 10 books I've bought but not read yet, watch greek, erm. not lose weight cos I'm too fat and lazy to. and write crap, pick up the guitar and like learn some chords, compose some shit on the piano, scribble a bit, do some math, draw, think about money, draw on myself, meet up with a couple of people to have conversations with. I really do enjoy conversations nowadays, like taking about the future and like random things about people I know, like understand why people do certain things, get gossip, which is a very essential part of my life. But for some reason, gossip just makes me feel bad for people because gossip isn't really gossip when it involves something bad that happened to a person, it's like just, "OMFG. I FEEL SO BAD FOR THIS PERSON". kinda thing.

Anyways, Greek and Looking for alaska for like the next few days and nights. I have to stop like snacking. It's bad cos I'm being called chubby. Whatevs. I'm huggable.

tskkkkkkkkkkkkkkk.