Unusual Uncertainty

Today, I sat in the car thinking about me leaving this place,

thinking about what im going to do about my life in the next few weeks,

thinking about what I want, people, how my life would be like if it were a movie..

then it hit me.

I'm going to start a new life soon.

It's like dying and then reviving again, in a different form.

I think I 'died' like 3 times in my life.

First, when I was a kid.

Maybe about 4.

I remembered lying down feeling so real.

You know, that feeling where you absorb your surroundings so completely

and then you head back to your life being like a complete dream again,

where everything feels so surreal.

There's only so many times in your life where everything feels real.

Those are the only times you feel alive.

That was my earliest experience.

Second, when I left primary school.

That felt like a lifetime ago,

only because my environment was completely different.

People spoke english in primary school and in Secondary school, people just spoke chinese all the time which kinda pissed me off.

The third time I died was when I broke up with the guy I thought I loved.

which was like my first super major heartbreak.

I lost like, a lot.

Like a lot of friends that I really do regret not being close to anymore because I think they're awesome but now it's just awkward.

My friend circle completely changed then.

My perspectives of certain things changed.

I had nothing to hold me up,

nothing to tear me down either.

Completely horrible, but I survived.

Now, it's preparation for the forth death.

Why I call it death is because everything you did felt like a lifetime ago.

Now, I'm about to start in a totally new environment,

leave the closest people in my life,

leave my family,

leave everything I ever owned and lived on.

and start anew..

which I really don't know how I'm going to.

Never moved for about 10 years.

I know the last time I did,

it was just moving house,

and I cried.

I was younger then.

and I lived in that house for 3 years or so.

I've lived in this for 10.

I lived in this country for 18 years.

Somehow along the way,

my perspectives changed again.

I don't know what I'm going to do with my life.

I really really need someone to guide me along.

It's really freaking ass scary cos I've never gotten so much uncertainty in my life,

and thinking about moving and all that shit every single day scares the shit out of me.

I can hardly sleep or eat nowadays.

I try to enjoy myself doing stupid random things but the feeling's like someone who can't kill themselves because they're immortal -

Trying to feel satisfaction but can't.

Someone please tell me how I should live.

I really can't go on with this uncertainty shit.

It just stresses me out so bad.

And, ugh, I need someone right now.