Unusual Uncertainty

Today, I sat in the car thinking about me leaving this place,

thinking about what im going to do about my life in the next few weeks,

thinking about what I want, people, how my life would be like if it were a movie..

then it hit me.

I'm going to start a new life soon.

It's like dying and then reviving again, in a different form.

I think I 'died' like 3 times in my life.

First, when I was a kid.

Maybe about 4.

I remembered lying down feeling so real.

You know, that feeling where you absorb your surroundings so completely

and then you head back to your life being like a complete dream again,

where everything feels so surreal.

There's only so many times in your life where everything feels real.

Those are the only times you feel alive.

That was my earliest experience.

Second, when I left primary school.

That felt like a lifetime ago,

only because my environment was completely different.

People spoke english in primary school and in Secondary school, people just spoke chinese all the time which kinda pissed me off.

The third time I died was when I broke up with the guy I thought I loved.

which was like my first super major heartbreak.

I lost like, a lot.

Like a lot of friends that I really do regret not being close to anymore because I think they're awesome but now it's just awkward.

My friend circle completely changed then.

My perspectives of certain things changed.

I had nothing to hold me up,

nothing to tear me down either.

Completely horrible, but I survived.

Now, it's preparation for the forth death.

Why I call it death is because everything you did felt like a lifetime ago.

Now, I'm about to start in a totally new environment,

leave the closest people in my life,

leave my family,

leave everything I ever owned and lived on.

and start anew..

which I really don't know how I'm going to.

Never moved for about 10 years.

I know the last time I did,

it was just moving house,

and I cried.

I was younger then.

and I lived in that house for 3 years or so.

I've lived in this for 10.

I lived in this country for 18 years.

Somehow along the way,

my perspectives changed again.

I don't know what I'm going to do with my life.

I really really need someone to guide me along.

It's really freaking ass scary cos I've never gotten so much uncertainty in my life,

and thinking about moving and all that shit every single day scares the shit out of me.

I can hardly sleep or eat nowadays.

I try to enjoy myself doing stupid random things but the feeling's like someone who can't kill themselves because they're immortal -

Trying to feel satisfaction but can't.

Someone please tell me how I should live.

I really can't go on with this uncertainty shit.

It just stresses me out so bad.

And, ugh, I need someone right now.

Loss

Hello you. I don't know how it happened but I found out why I was going to be fall for you since the moment I met you. Today, I found the reason why I fell for you, just in a photograph. I suddenly just burst into tears because I remembered I am leaving soon and I won't see you for a very long time. I haven't been away from you for long since the moment we met. It's been years. I don't want to stop keeping how I feel in the inside, because I can.

Frustrationaly bored.

I drew this fucking ugly picture today, cos I felt like it.

and this is called spider coffee.

I am very frustrated right now.

I have to get tmr over with, which makes me very frustrated.

And also, I'm so bored with my life, I'm thinking too much,

and sprouting bullshit all over the place.

I should stop like thinking for awhile.

I need to stop talking about my life in the weirdest angles possible.

But I can't help but obsess about everything that I want to happen.

Can't wait to fucking quit my job.

like.

wtf.

I don't want to work anymore.

I will self-employ.

Because I can.

And because my dad says so.

I would like to say this to one person because fuck you isn't enough.

Sorry. Need to get this off my chest.

Massive rant:

MY DADDY IS MORE FAMOUS AND RICHER THAN YOURS SO SHUT THE FUCK UP AND STOP THINKING IM STUPID COS IM NOT AND YOU ARE THE STUPID DAMN ONE. OMFG. JUST BECAUSE I FAILED AT SOMETHING, DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING. YOU'RE NOT SMART ENOUGH TO STUDY WHAT I STUDY. I WOULD LIKE TO SCREAM AT YOU EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE OLDER THAN ME. BUT WHAT THE FUCK. TYPING SOUNDS LIKE A BETTER PLAN BECAUSE I CAN TYPE FASTER THAN YOU CAN THINK. AND YOU KNOW WHAT, I PLAY THE FUCKING PIANO AND YOU FUCKING CAN'T. SO WHAT IF YOU'RE OLDER, DOESN'T MEAN YOU'RE SMARTER BECAUSE I AM BETTER THAN YOU IN SPEAKING AND WRITING ENGLISH, AND I KNOW THAT GLASS IS MADE OF FUCKING SAND. WATCH ME GET FAMOUS, AND WHEN I DO, I WOULD GO, IN YOUR FUCKING FACE, BITCH. THAT'S MY COME BACK. TO BE MORE SUCCESSFUL THAN YOU WHEN I'M YOUNGER THAN YOU. I DON'T LIKE DEALING WITH YOUR SHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE A LAZY ASS MOFO CLEANING UP PEOPLE'S SHIT.

Help me, I'm alive

omfg, you wouldn't believe my week.

It was crazy sucks.

Why?

Because work sucks so bad.

Cos I'm pissed off at people there.

But I won't go into details here.

I'll just go for a major bitch fest with people.

Speaking of people,

I'm going to meet people that I haven't seen since graduation.

Catching up would be soooo good.

Man, I'm so tired.

I can't wait for this week to be OVER!

I really want to watch valentine's day and dear john.

I'm going to start my business soon.

balllllssssssssss.

I'm going to get smashed up this weekend.

Cos we only live to die

I met this person who drives me insane.

But who I am very sane around.

This is fun.

These few days felt like last week.

I am bored to bits,

but I went to the beach today,

even though I wanted to go yesterday.

I love the beach.

I love how I had a cup of coffee today,

alone.

Wrote a bit of my script for my upcoming video.

It's a series actually, called ICSTS (I can't stand that shit)

it'll be up soon. (:

I love being alone, listening to the ocean,

and I love steps because she keeps quiet all the time and we can be together and not talk but it wouldn't be awkward.

And we'll do everything stupid, and talk about nonsense.

<3

Bestest person to hang out with, ever.

First person I ever fought with also, but it's cool. lol.

I love today, the rain, and the sand in between my toes.

And I was free, relaxing and walking into the waters.

Man, I really love the beach, like LOVE that place.

I want to go back everyday if I could,

just taking walks there.

I don't know how I appreciate that so much,

maybe its because everyday I think about leaving this place and I feel so sad,

and I start to appreciate everything in this island and a little beyond even though it's so crappy.

If anything, I would like to take time off from work,

study, go to the beach, get coffee and write, compose my little tunes on the piano, start playing the violin again, learn the guitar, dress up to go out only to walk around aimlessly, hang out with my friends, make loads of videos, draw, learn different languages, paint.. just doing things I feel like doing and having the money to, too. lol. That's the tough part.

I love doing random crap like these, i love exploring art for some reason, but I'm not going to study it.

I was thinking of what I want to do in university, and the thing that appeals most to me is creative writing. God, like my parents would let me take that course. There's so much to learn, I hate it when I say I don't have enough time because I spend most of it here or watching TV. I love television, and I get a lot of inspiration from it, but it's so bad for me. I could just sit there for like a million hours. hah. I have no idea why I'm ranting, maybe it's cos I'm thinking too much nowadays. i like that.

I am so curious about army. i think I'm like satisfying my tomboyish-ness (whatever u call it) because I wanted to join it when I was like 9. I wanted to join NCC in secondary school and I told my parents I would join the malaysian army if they picked me.. which they didn't. hah. I have no idea why I'm so interested in soldiers and shit like that. But I met chiang yesterday and he told me so much about it. Even though it's all propaganda and shit, which I don't think I can ever survive and stuff, I would like join it because I'm so very fascinated about how they run the damn thing. I would never take the physical training though, even though that is for the most part. I will never run. I would march under the sun for hours though, but no running. Somehow, I miss my uniform group shit from secondary school, although I hate it too much, I love the marching part and the camping part. ah well.

Man, I can't wait till I know my schedule for the week. Gotta start studying, and practicing. Exams are up next. Piano in a month, and math in 3. gahhhh.

Placebo or no?

I think you're the sweetest thing.

Rachael, you're a freaking loser.

BUT.

I win this round.

LOLOLOLOL.

:)

Rachael, you're such an idiot.

crazy unintentional unreliable

Work has been much more fulfilling these days. I've learnt to work the bar a little.

So here. Cappuccinos.

First two attempts were shit but my final one turned out pretty. (:

So I am like really really realllyy exhausted right now,

but I have to wait for my hair to dry so I can go sleep.

Stayed up till about 4 am yesterday at C's,

drinking, pokeying, playing rockband, talking,

and doing something that has traumatized me for life,

but it was awfully fun.

I wish we could stay longer to talk and stuff though.

Anyways,

I was thinking of making another video but like,

im really tired and busy,

suckssss.

I need contact lenses.

The most random thing happened at work yesterday,

this chef guy asked me this, " Why do girls go clubbing and wear so skimpy, is it cos they can be like, 'omg, I'm so sexy, you can see but you can't touch to guys?' "

and im like.. man, real good question.

My opinion on that would be just to flaunt, I guess.

I mean, who would wear something hot, and not want to flaunt it?

I don't wear crazy skimpy outfits but like, I wear whatever I think I look good in.

If I look good, I feel good, and I have fun, feeling good about myself.

I think it's really important to feel good about yourself,

and no matter how much I tell myself that,

I can't get that into my head.

And I think people around you should always support you for you,

no matter how fat or stupid you are.

Nobody's perfect,

and I have to know that.

I really think I give good advice,

just that I don't follow anything I say.

It's so retarded,

but yes, I have hardly any mental strength.

I really want rockband.

I'll play nonstoppppppppp.

Lost

taking my cousin out for chinese new year '10.

I've never felt so much insecurity for such a long time.

I feel like such a loser for some reason.

but then again, the only reasons why I feel like that is because I am so fucking lonely, it's crazy.

I know I have friends and all that,

but like, I miss having someone to care about and someone who cares about me.

not that I don't care about my friends,

but you know that feeling u get.

don't get me wrong,

but there's no one at the moment who is that person for me.

waiting just fucking sucks.

I wish we could like get someone just like that,

but then again,

I'm not the prettiest girl,

or the hottest,

or the smartest girl around.

Instead, even though no matter what I say,

I still feel like that fat kid.

not pretty enough,

doesn't dress right,

doesn't speak right.

man. I really wonder who ever feels confident about themselves.

It's so hard these days.

but then again,

I don't know how I could feel like I'm good enough the way I am just a few weeks ago.

I guess when random people make comments about you,

it just changes it.

I'm not that typical girl, that's for sure.

but then again,

what's typical?

If anything,

I would be that girl who lives in the bubble after she watches tons of movies.

wishing she was in there.

What a loser.

I shall create my own movies.

One where the world isn't perfect,

everyone's path crosses but they do not meet for long,

where there is actually sadness and disappointment.

loads of that shit,

so people would actually realise that nobody's perfect.

perfect life?

please.

everyone is far from it.

He's a drunk,

She's a whore,

They are lonely and miserable,

We are lonely and miserable.

Finding someone who would make your life easier would just feel so safe again.

I miss that feeling so so much.

But then again,

I'm moving.

I would never stay in one place for too long.

I hope this feeling's temporary or you wouldn't see my smile again.

My name is not Rachael

We sat there in silence in at open bar,

listening to yelling, crying, screaming.

We watched people lit themselves on fire,

running around in the mist.

We sat there untouched by the creatures that sat around us,

those hoping, smoking, laughing.

I finally opened my mouth,

letting out, " you?"

and I heard " Marley."

I am not Rachael.

I am a girl at the bar finding traces of herself that she left behind from the past.

We do not speak.

"Whiskey"

Something he left for me,

now my poison.

We sat there watching,

Your hand filled up the arch of my palm.

I do not feel anything.

We started having a conversation about what the world is made of,

beauty, peace, war,

superficial.

I thought of you,

What your world was made of.

Mine was him.

You've got me wrong.

I found what was left of me.

My name is not Rachael.

I am living in the memory of him.

Forgotten,

Nothing.

fuck you very much

i have no fucking clue how i've gotten to such an idiot in my life. but I woke up this morning feeling so fucked up it's unbelievable. First of all, let me tell you about my night. getting fucking high, to feeling so fucking sad, to being bailed on twice by the same person, to cutting my hand with my bracelet my accident, of course, to like bleeding like crazy and my hand hurting like fuck the whole damn night, to getting msges, to throwing my phone cos I was so pissed off at it. I still feel like throwing that piece of shit around cos I fucking hate technology and shit like that. So I slept with my hand hurting like fuck cos my bracelet was fucking made of glass and I am still wondering if any pieces of that shit is stuck in my hand. Now it's like fucking swollen. i'm so freaking pissed at it.

Then my morning. Right. I saw something I didn't want to see and think about for a long fucking time and I saw it and I was like wtf. Rachael, I told you to keep off that shit. Like I want to slap myself so hard. I'm so pissed off at myself and everyone around me right now. it's retardedly i dont know how to describe it anymore. I better clean my act up cos my relatives are coming over and stuff like that but I'm so freaking ass pissed off right now. I want to shoot someone over and over again.

I fucking want to get a piercing so bad also. An eyebrow piercing. Like nevermind. I'm going to be impulsive and get one. I'm still so fucking pissed off right now, it's not funny at all. I want to kill a bunny, and cut up a snail and dissect a freaking deer and like thrash some shit up.

I haven't felt so fucked up in such a long time, I think I should make a video of myself being all fucked up and shit. When I watch it again, it'll be so fucking funny, but for now. I have no mood to do anything but like freaking clean up my freaking room.

omfg. I am soooooooooooo pissed right now.

rachaellllllll. wtf.

oh, we're all falling to pieces

hello pieces of cells floating around spaces to form solids who are reading this shit I'm posting up.

I AM BORED OUTTA MY FUCKING MIND.

:)

that's just really what I wanted to say since like ... I stopped schooling.

but really, this shit bored outta my mind shit just got worst cos it's chinese new year,

and of course you don't know what I have hardly any relatives here.

they are all in america, or australia, or canada or malaysia

which just sucks.

oh, for the malaysia part,

people are either too old or they've gone back to like a really far malaysian town which my dad is too lazy to visit, and I don't speak chinese well btw.

you know how much it sucks when people are like, hey, you're malaysian right, and starts speaking chinese to you.

like omfg. shut up already. I can't speak chinese, and I speak like freaking half english half chinese, hoping they would understand..

if people actually spoked malay to me, which thank god no one has tried yet,

i would like, die.

Then again,

does my english sound malaysian to you?

I know my fairy friend (YES, I ACCEPTED YOUR FAIRY REQUEST) would say she'll never be friends with me if I spoke like a malaysian.

hah.

so the last few hours of valentine's day rocked,

cos steph came over with awesome awesome get high like fuck stuff,

and like,

we got high, and talked so much shit.

and I really can't remember anything I said yesterday.

Maybe a little, like ........... no. nevermind.

then we called chang just to see his bald head.

heh.

i feel so fucking bad for asking him down for like 2 seconds and making him walk all the way down the hill in the middle of the night but oh well.

sorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry.

today,

I'm still bored outta my mind,

but I think my writer's block is over for now.

had inspiration for a new video this morning.

yayyy.

I'll try to make this one awesomer.

oh, btw, if u cant find my video,

don't.

it sucks.

thanks.

I need more money.

I can't survive with my current angpao funds.

:)

A gun to your head

happy valentine's day.

my vid is up.

not that great but whatever.

i had one comment for it.

good enough for me.

Hello, My name is

My name is Rachael.

I am really clumsy, but at the same time, graceful, or so my chinese name say.

I like putting myself into awkward situations unconsciously, and letting myself worry over nothing.

I am fluent in being really nice and also, bitch.

I love being over exaggerated sometimes, and telling about my weird encounters.

Most people who don't know me think I'm the weirdest person on earth because the first things I say to people are always the weirdest thing.

I'm not too good with first impressions but the only reason for that is because I'm really shy when I meet people for the first time, so if I talk shit, you'll understand.

I write a lot of poetry and scenes for my videos but I make horrible videos.

I love writing, but I wish I were a good actress.

If there's anything I would like to be good at right now, would be stand up comedy because it feels good to have people laugh at you and your jokes.

I love narrating my life in my head, but I never out loud.

I go out with people who like embarrassing me in public, but I like laughing at their shitty loudness or people who would do stupid things with me.

I tend to be really depressed over things that I seem not to care about, but I really do care about it but I want to seem cool about it. And when I get depressed, I take it out on random people or things and then write about it and listen to hardcore music.

That makes me a mood-person, where I listen to genres of music that represents what I feel.

I wish I were cooler though,

not such a dork who writes crap in notebooks and knows about hardly anything.

I realized, I don't know what I'm good at..

that just sucks.

I want a lion plushie.

Ice Queen/ Queen of the penguins, please find one for me.

I can't go on living like this.

watch me go

Because my friend left.

This is the first time I watched my friend go.

I won't see her for 2 years.

Next, another goes.

Then I will be next.

You know how you have so many emotions at the same time.

I just want to burst out crying for that second, and then I want to laugh because I see something really funny.

I didn't cry today.

But my 1 hour train ride home was an emotional rollercoaster because I thought of so many things, like what would it be like when I leave.

I realised that when I was younger, every time my parents tell me that we're moving to canada, I'd be so freaking upset because I know I had a life here. My friends were all here.

But since a year ago, I feel that there is nothing left in this country for me, and I should move to some place where no one knows me, and start over.

But then, that was one year ago.

This time, it is different yet the same.

I want to leave so bad as much as I want to go.

But I realised that I just made friends, and I just realised how my old friends are the most awesomest people on earth, and how they're all going to stay here and I'm going away. I mean, they are people who give me all the advice I need, talk to me when I'm down, hang out with me when I'm lonely and we have awesome conversations together.

I know there's always the thing about making new friends and that shit, but hey, nothing beats people that you've known for almost 4 years, or almost your entire life.

I was wondering about how bad I'll cry when I leave, who would be there at the airport sending me off, how the whole situation would be like.

I know I'd hug all my friends and say goodbye,

and then my family which although can be so annoying, the best family I could ever ask for. I have the most awesome siblings ever.

The person I would miss the most is my sister though I'm like wayyyy older than her, but still. She knows almost everything about me, and she makes me laugh till I cry.

I really hope I get accepted to canada though.

I always wanted to go overseas for university cos my dad did that and that's why I want to too.

When I grow up a bit more, I might stay there, who knows right, but I'd definitely miss this place so much. I'm still thinking really hard about permanently moving and stuff.

Man, the whole train ride had a whole load more thoughts than this.

There's so much to think about because everyone around me is leaving, going some place, and I don't want to be stuck here either.

Freaking life changing shit.

I suffocate myself to sleep

Ice Nine Kills is the bomb.

their lyrics are awesome.

I'm bored as hell but I'm not going to do anything about it but watch videos all day, and prolly make one myself too.

I've been doing a lot of thinking recently and I've been thinking of like how I survived a whole year without a guy and stuff like that.

Yes, it's been a year and it felt like fucking 3 centuries.

I feel so freaking cynical about love cos of past relationships, cosbeingcheatedonlikebyeveryguyI'vedatedislikethemostloserthingeverandIdon't evenknowwhyI'mwritingithere,butwhatthehellright,

soIdon'tthinkIwouldlikeeverfallinlovetilllikeI'm25orsomething.

I've been like stalking d on youtube and myspace and all that websites and stuff right, and I was thinking about how lucky he was and stuff. I mean, that girl is so cool. She's like 15 and she knows what the hell she wants. I think that is the perfect role model for people, like liking yourself the way you are is the most impossible thing for most people, but I'm getting there. And he's like the most awesome kinda person he is. I like the way he rolls with his principals and stuff that he talks about.

I watch too much youtube, really.

But I think it's still not enough. :)

so, I need to make awesome videos.

like, better than my first one which i think was total crap.

please don't try to find it,

you'd prolly watch it and laugh at me.

Now I've just gotta go practice talking and clean up and start shooting.

and then family reunion.

If the video is good, I'd put it here.

Next video's about valentine's day! :)

EYEBROW PIERCING!

I WANT AN EYEBROW PIERCING SO FUCKING BADLY.

i just really really want one right now.

my parents will die.

I have to fucking wait 4 months.

BUT I WANT IT SO BADLY.

i won't stop whining about it.

please someone, help me find a solution.

Covering it with my fringe just wont work.

D: <- Megasad face.

I REALLY REALLY REALLY WANT ONEEEEEE.

I have blue hair now.

:D

I shall start filming my valentine's day vid soon.

I hope it'll be good.

I have so many exams coming up.

it's madness.

I am not going to learn to drive yet.

freaking too lazy too.

I'm sorry, but I'm a slob.

Just look at the state of my room. ^^

Chinese new year should just be tmr.

I need the money.

and, I really want a lion.

Lions are the coolest, most awesome animal there is, and following that would be a tie between a cat and a dog.

I want both.

When I move, I'm going to get a kitten and a puppy and they're going to be the bestest of friends.

I'll just be one of the most interesting pet owners there is.

a cat, dog and a lion.

My life is complete.

But you went anyways

I love it how I can look at you right now,

and still miss you,

but I don't care that I do anymore.

I found that peace with myself that I haven't gotten in so many months.

You still have traces of me with you and you know it.

I love to be someone you can't totally erase.

Work sucks ballsssss.

I could go on and on about how much it sucks,

but it'll be too boring to go through that shit.

so anyways.

I've gotta go clean my table and take out all my math books.

retakes.

yeah, I know.

NO WORK TMR.

and I'm stuck with slippers because of the many fucking blisters I've got from wearing heels for such a short time.

I can never buy comfy heels.. ever.

but shopping in slippers would always be awesome.

I feel the need to do some shit these few days.

I need to find something to look forward to again.

People, things, whatever it is.

Favourite boys going/gone to army.

It'll suck if they're uncontactable.

If uncontactable really is a word.

Criminal minds before I sleep tonight.

Just to freak myself out and even though I'm tired as hell.

Anyways, I'm hooked on this song: I do and I don't by Ice Nine Kills.

I really like this like: I can't forget you just knowing that I've met you.

Dirty slut bitch cow whore

I wrote you on the palm, on my fingers.

Backwards, Sideways, Forward, Front.

You stained me with juices so foul on my hand.

I ran backwards through the mist,

hoping time would split,

wishing I could go back and wouldn't exist.

Sidewards, Backwards, Forward, Front.

My hand is slipping through the cracks of your fingers.

I'm lost again.

Dream, Wandering, Losing, Inside.

Sturdy and firm.

I want to go back home.

My fingertips traced the arch of your bones.

My lips trailed slowly behind.

Turning, Twirling, Skipping, Hopping.

I stay on your side.

Dirty, Slut, Bitch, Cow, Whore.

Dear Ray

My dearest Ray of Sunshine,

I think I've been in love with you for far too long.

That time, I thought of me going away from you while watching a music video on MTV, and it made me cry.

The way you look at me,

the way you talk to me.

The things you do around me.

I'll miss that so much.

Honestly, you are one of the few things I want to keep in my world.

You don't know that.

It'll be that secret I'll keep from you.

I've been thinking about you so much since that night.

I think I'll keep that too myself too.

I just wanted to let you know,

I'll always have that thing for you,

no matter what,

no matter where I am.

that was freaking sweet

today has been a pretty sweet day.

first of all,

i woke up from the most amazing dream ever.

why?

because it's the dream i've been wanting to dream of for a few years now and i got it and it was awesome.

i'm not going to say what it is here cos it's pretty personal.

if you know me well, then you can ask me.

if you don't,

then hang there in silence, stranger.

:)

second of all, i've been trying to make a video for the longest amount of days.

and it's not working out that well, but i'm making it better.

it's so so hard with such lousy technology I have

but it's ok, i'll be good, I promise.

third,

my favourite youtube person just put up a new video.

i've been waiting for that for MONTHS.

i know that's not that long,

but i've been stalking him like on every page he has.

i totally look up to this guy,

he is AMAZING.

fourth.

My job interview went alright.

I don't know if I'll get the job,

but the dream I had last night just made it better.

vroooom.

goes the camera.

it is calling out to me.