The end of this

failure

“It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all – in which case, you fail by default.”

—	J.K. Rowling

I love to fail.

Only because I love the emotions you get behind it.

Only because I love climbing back up again.

I love to fall and get back up.

Because not being able to fail just fails the meaning of life.

To be cautious and not fall is not a preventative measure.

It's just something you tell yourself to be prepared to fall.

In other words, it's an I told you so.

But to climb back up is to test your strength.

No, I'm not asking you to fall all the time,

but when you try something new,

Risk it all.

Just so you can learn.

Start out big,

Just so you won't make the same mistakes.

Who said the lightbulb was invented without failing.

Or electricity was discovered without killing.

Falling is a step to get back up.

Don't be afraid to fall just because you're afraid of climbing back up.

Dream come true bitches

HEY BITCHES.

I GOT INTO UBC.

LOOK AT THAT FACE.

THAT'S THE FACE I'LL BE MAKING WHENEVER I'M HAPPY.

NOT.

HEEEEEEEEEEEE.

I AM A HAPPY DUCK.

Standing in the fire

hold fucking shit, what is my problem. Maybe it's cos I had too little food and too much pocky that's why why I'm in this state but what the hell, am I like wrong to freak out about the littlest things like this. I mean, what is wrong with me, like maybe this is the way you think i would react to notice random shit. but OMFG. why am I acting this way. This is too gay and this is too erm, non-idontgiveashit-ish. i should sleep it off or something. maybe it's the random comment you said. holy shit. what the fuck man. I am losing it. milk does not cure hunger. it only cures like.. nothing. my mouth smells like cow now.

I had an awesome day, minus the whatthefuck night. Like, I met Steph, went to eat awesome awesome mexican food. I love mexican food. I would love anyone who could make me awesome chimichangas. It's one of the most awesome food available to mankind. Too bad I don't have pictures of going out maybe cos I'm not a cam whore or anything along that lines. hahaha. (officially losing it at this point) then we went to get my pay. and then we went to buy movie tix for whip it and then we went to pokey and drink coffee. and then we went to watch a movie, which was totally awesome. whip it is so... agressive. I love female aggressiveness. I had the most awesome conversations with steph today. I think we agreed on being more aggressive, because aggressiveness is cool. Nawh, I'm just messin'. but like I intend to take up an aggressive sport because I think anger releasing has to come out in some form of physical exercise. I mean, punching the crap outta something. I think kick boxing should do the trick. not that I'll ever exercise for anything. I think that roller skating shit she does is mega cool, like u just get to hit people all the time. and they're so aggressive it's so cool. like they don't give a shit that they hurt or anything. band shirts, piercings and like, more sex bands are going to be on me now. love that kinda shit. I don't even know why.

I really need to work out. But I need to find the motivation to because I feel like slumping in my room. I currently feel like shooting myself in the head for being such a mega slutfacewhoremonster. but then I'll prolly get up feel like writing some shit about how I feel, get a call to go out, or not. but i'll prolly watch greek or like read or something. If no one's at home, I'll like play the piano and make up some tune for my tuneless lyrics. If I go out, I want to pokey again and get sex bands and band tees or something. But hey. My days are so unplanned, it's actually nice. I love unplanned shit. Then have to finish up some conversation with some person. and then like, prolly watch a whole ton of television and get to slp.

Not eating sounds like a good plan nowadays. I hardly ever eat now. If i do, it has to be something good, like sushi.. mmmmm. sushi. or mexican. MmmMmm. mexican. or mom's cooking. which beats all the other shit there is to eat. I hate burgers and fries and pizza kinda thing. those just suck. like, it's all oil and meat and oiled bread. anything with rice is good. ok. I should stop talking about food. I'm already freaking ass hungry and I'm going to sleep if off soon.

I am so into musicians. It's like, after placebo, and whip it, it's like. OMFG. MUSICIANS. I totally dig guys with awesome music tastes. And my friends too. Like, Steph, we can talk about music for so long. which is pretty much awesome because that's like one of the most important part of me. I love what I listen to and I like it when people can share what I like.

Maybe I'm on a smoke and caffeine high now,that's why most of this post does not make any sense. But hey. I will figure things out tmr. I shall like, talk to people and then call it a night.

and brush my teeth cos it smells like cow.

that is bad.

The world gets to us

You know how they say, how you never really forget and you never really stop hurting. Watching shutter island today (How odd but yes, when they started talking about the brain, i started thinking) I realise how your brain just covers up your pain by making up something pleasant to make up for the pain. And I was also thinking about the other thing that I heard today, "you only believe compliments.", from FRIENDS.

Then I thought about all those people I've loved in my life, like if I really loved them. And I think, at some point, I do, but not now. It's like, my brain just tells me I don't because I don't want to remember the bad things. I would try to remember the good things that happened but then it'll lead me to think about the bad things and I don't want to be reminded of the bad things so I stop thinking of it completely, not forgetting, just not trying to remember those things so that I won't hurt again. Heartbreaks are the worst kinda pain there is. It's like stabbing yourself repeatedly in one spot over a period of time, and crying cos it hurts. Sometimes, you drop needles in that wound, rub salt into it, scratch it, tear the whole wound up again. But eventually, you get hung up on something else you remember the wound, and when you do remember the wound, you pick on it to see if it still hurts. It'll always hurt, but not as bad as the first time you stabbed yourself repeatedly. Thank god it only happened like twice in my life. Stabbing yourself repeatedly around the same spot doesn't hurt as bad anymore. But I don't think that's a good thing. I would rather feel the knife slide in and out of the skin than to feel nothing at all. Not being sadistic or anything but I would like the full experience. If it's not a full experience, I wouldn't want it.

This is why I don't understand why people get so many boyfs. Even when they're not goodlooking or have an ultra cool personality. It's like, you don't get real heartbreaks, you don't fall in love, you don't fight and feel anything. It's like you don't need to feel anymore, which totally defeats the purpose of actually having a love life and shit like that. Personally, I would rather feel everything, like the overwhelming feeling when you're going to meet someone who you think is right for you and get that crazy butterflies in your stomach for the entire day, even when you're with him, or that crazy mothereffing pain that your heart literally feels and you choke up so bad and cry for the entire night than to feel like, oh, i met this person, he is cute. erm. yeah. we got together, oh wait, now we broke up. like, how do you feel? erm. i'm alright i guess. no big deal.

It's only fun when it happens occasionally, something big like that happens to your life. I don't get how people do things to regularly, getting a boyf is like a weekly/monthly affair. I think you girls should get a hold of yourselves and think about it, I know we're young and shit like that but hey, like, there's more to life than getting a boyfriend. Maybe I'm just jealous you do get one a week or some shit like that.. but nawh. i'm cool with just fantasizing, watching greek and everything. I just don't get the point.

What I'm going to do with my life, you may ask is that I'm going to play around with my feelings and write some awesome music. I am only inspired when I get played by people and start writing about how I feel. I hate it when I'm like having writer's block or totally falling in love and writing some cliche nonsense crap. The best kinda music is songs about heartbreaks because that's when feelings are raw and you are like totally freaked out and scared. I love the raw, natural human feeling. I like looking at people and studying how they're like, like I realise that sometimes, when people are sad over the dumbest situations, they are really freaking ass sad but even though your comforting words are like the gayest most cliche things ever said to man, they want to hear it, because they'll feel better. Always tell people the most positive things to comfort them, but after awhile, they would have to embrace reality and so you have to hint to them what the reality of the situation first, but first, stop them from crying so they can go to the next phase, the I HATE YOU AND I DON'T WANT TO GIVE A SHIT phase.

That's what I learnt last week.

I shall just take the week to relax, read like at least one of the 10 books I've bought but not read yet, watch greek, erm. not lose weight cos I'm too fat and lazy to. and write crap, pick up the guitar and like learn some chords, compose some shit on the piano, scribble a bit, do some math, draw, think about money, draw on myself, meet up with a couple of people to have conversations with. I really do enjoy conversations nowadays, like taking about the future and like random things about people I know, like understand why people do certain things, get gossip, which is a very essential part of my life. But for some reason, gossip just makes me feel bad for people because gossip isn't really gossip when it involves something bad that happened to a person, it's like just, "OMFG. I FEEL SO BAD FOR THIS PERSON". kinda thing.

Anyways, Greek and Looking for alaska for like the next few days and nights. I have to stop like snacking. It's bad cos I'm being called chubby. Whatevs. I'm huggable.

tskkkkkkkkkkkkkkk.

Hello society

Got my parents real pissed off today,

I think it's cos I'm taking out on them cos I'm so frustrated at myself.

You know this transition time,

where you have absolutely, almost no idea what you want to do with your life,

it's like too short to start something big,

and very undecisive,

I mean, I don't even know which university wants me yet.

I'm so frustrated because I have no direction and I'm really tired.

The week's activities were killer,

like my piano exam,

which I'm damn scared I'm going to fail.

I don't want to practice ever again,

but ugh, whatever, if I don't pass.

And then acting,

which was tiring as hell,

but I loved almost every second of it.

It was so fulfilling and everything,

like, I know that's something I want to do and I'm happy doing.

I love performing for some reason.

Like I miss having a band and I miss being on stage where people are like watching you.

I miss that feeling, like when people are dancing to your music.

I think that's one of the most awesome feelings I've ever experienced.

I just want to rock out again,

like on stage.

Being a fan is also awesome.

PLACEBO WAS AMAZING.

Lead singer, Brian Molko.

Awesome.

Drummer with tattoos,

fucking awesome.

Loved every second of rocking out and being pissed at crazy ass bitch fans that jumps their ass off and keeps pushing me.

I'll push you back you motherfucking bitch.

So I've been thinking,

how I have to make more friends in this island since most of my other friends are leaving for everywhere.

Like, school is starting.

And I really want to start schooling again.

I know, it's like WTF right?

but really,

I miss being around people all the time.

People who piss me off, but at the same time, going through what I'm going through.

And like, people I can talk to randomly.

I would appreciate the freedom right about now.

I bet I'll go crazy at home soon.

Videos aren't working too good.

I'm going to start doing something different.

Like comedy and shit like that.

If I can do it.

They say I'm boring talking about shit.

I should just talk about like, nonsense that I want to say to people everyday on camera.

I miss talking shit to people everyday.

Like making up nonsense just to piss people off.

I'm going to lose the 'omfg rachael, what the fuck are you doing'

soon.

If I don't meet people, and like talk.

I need loads of conversations now.

I think I've had enough talking to army people,

I'm kinda bored talking about boys being all tough.

Makes me feel all unfit and fat and stuff.

Whatever dude.

I'm going to like, work out...

Wait.

That's not going to happen.

hahaahahhaahhahahahahahaha.

I think fat/chubby people are awesome.

We are funnier and more open to people.

I really like fat/chubby people with self esteem.

But I hate cocky people.

Like, just people who loves themselves for who they are.

Freaking hell.

I need those people to motivate me to be like them.

I can't stand being all 'omfg, i'm so fucking fat' everyday.

Man,

I think I need more self confidence.

I hate it when people bring me down,

and I have to keep pulling myself up.

Like, quit bugging me already.

Time, time.

What am I going to do with you?

I need someone to lean on for now.

It's so tough when you lose that.

crapback

I feel so nonchalant.

exam was like, nothing.

like I didn't feel anything.

Felt really scared this morning

then, nothing.

I was like in the exam room and had only half a brain telling me what to do.

It's funny how I function.

I don't know how it happens,

but I somehow screwed up a bit.

meh.

bitch exam.

I love friends so much,

and I love green tea icecream.

I love the rain and it's coolness.

I hate that I have no idea what to do with my life from next week onwards.

I want something to look forward to every single day.

I want to do something great with my nonsense I create.

And I want to share moments with people I care about,

which are getting fewer and fewer as the days go by.

I miss so many people.

Like I haven't seen anyone in ages.

I need to make a video again soon.

Make it good and sell it out.

Slob

I am currently freezing my ass off, blogging.

Cos even though you had the hottest shower in the world,

airconditioning + fan blowing + water that evaporates from your skin at the same time

just means you're gonna freezeeeee.

But i like it.

I like to know how it feels to pretend you're in a different climate and like experience the same feeling.

But like you can control your current climate.

Anyways,

I just want to say,

VERTIGO IS BACK.

so is migraine.

which mean, I HAVE TO START TAKING MEDS AGAIN.

this is horrible.

I SHOULD STOP SITTING ON SWIVEL CHAIRS.

like.

I do such random shit that makes my fishbowl of a head, or so steph calls it, spin.

I don't think I should like do anything crazy for a while.

Cant go clubbing, drinking and all that nonsense.

I shall stay at home, rethink what I'm going to do,

and like chris says, be an angel.

lawl.

right.

I'm just going to start all my artsy nonsense again.

I need to work on my drawing.

Cos it sucks so bad,

ok, not really. My painting sucks more.

You can see that in my previous posts.

So if you ask how my week is,

I'm just going to say, it was tiring,

not enjoyable and very mundane.

but of course monday started out interesting when I met the rest of the cast.

then tuesday and wednesday was work,

where the only interesting and fun part was me standing behind the counter, scooping up leftover milkshakes from the blender, and make drinks.

That's the only thing I miss from work.

Oh yes, and sanitising the tables and wiping the doors.

I love wiping the glass doors.

I like it when things are clean and orderly.

I really dont understand why I can do that in the restaurant and not my room.

Next week is so exciting.

First, piano life comes to an end on Monday.

That is tmr.

Wish me luck.

I suck,

but then again, I'M ALMOST DONE.

You know the weirdest thing about my parent's like they only care if I do well for my music, other than that its like, whatever dude, whatever u feel like.

I know they're like omfg, why are your results so bad,

and really, after that, they dont really care.

It's like so weird.

Like Music is more important than like school work in this place.

It's quite awesome.

I hate working for things anyways.

I prefer doing things that interest me.

And no one forces me to do.

Like playing nonsense on the piano,

like composing my own little tune, and there's no one to disturb me.

Or like creative writing assignments.

I love creative writing so much.

I don't think I'm that good at it,

But used to having your compositions read out in class meant something.

I like it when people read what I have to say,

like stuff that actually means something.

If there was a cause I stand for,

it'll be for girls to have a higher self esteem,

like stop obsessing over weight and shit like that, and like boys and all that nonsense.

like you're good the way you are.

unless you're a slut.

then it's not cool.

you know for some reason,

people i meet/find/stalk in my life like changes me for some reason.

I kinda like that.

I'm at this phase now,

where I want to be a better person,

like do the right thing, and like don't be so crazy and shit like that.

Cos being all like slutty and shit is not cool, and like I watched these girls on the maury show,

and they're like so screwed up.

although the irony is that im playing a slut but whatever man,

it's just acting.

I really dont want to be like that.

I'll still be cool, by not being such a bitch.

Speaking of acting,

I'm filming my first major role next week

for like 4 days straight.

I bet it's going to be tiring

but it'll be awesome.

Something I love to do since I was 4.

I watch too much tv.

I know I wanted to be on Barney when I was a kid.

I thought it was such a great show.

then after that, when I was like 18,

fucking barney girl spoilt my childhood dream by like carrying a whip and singing in american idol

like wtfffffffff.

But I think the best part about shows is the script.

The story has to be good,

and not gay at all, or cliche.

That is why I want to be a script writer.

I would like to be a comedy show writer.

I thought friends was mega amazing.

the jokes were too awesome.

Man,

I could kill to be anything close to those writers.

I've been playing the piano constantly the whole day,

and watching law and order: svu and CSI NY in between,

but what the hell

I hate it so much.

I hate the aural thing too much.

it's the worst.

I can't sing,

or like tell the cadences

OMFG. I WANT TO SHOOT THE PERSON WHO INVENTED CADENCES.

wtf is your problem?

trying to make someone's life so difficult.

freaking hell.

I hate it so much.

I shall wait for my hair to dry,

while watching greek.

I BET IT'LL BE AWESOME.

Cos it's sororities and shit like that.

man,

I would want to live in america after watching that.

that would not be good.

meh.

YOU'D NEVER GUESS WHO'D WANT ME ALIVE.

oh hi.

That was random.

tskkkk.

Anyways,

I just wanted to say,

I'm not going to rest/have good sleep till next saturday.

I am lined up with a lot of things next week

It's gonna be awesome.

Can't wait to film.

Never done a role quite as big as this.

After next week,

Another video would come out again.

I promise.

Shall get back to my final days of playing the piano.

X)

just in case you didn't know

Just in case you didn't know,

I asked you to stay.

Just in case you didn't know,

You're not the one for me.

Just in case you didn't know,

I find that thrill in talking to you.

Just in case you didn't know,

I am going to hang around until I figure you out.

Just in case you didnt know,

I want you to stay in my life, forever.

Just in case you didn't know,

I would like to get to know you.

Just in case you didn't know,

I'm crazy, thinking about you all the time now.

Just in case you didn't know,

I miss you.

Just in case you didn't know,

I'm still finding someone new.

Just in case you didn't know,

I'M FUCKING HUNGRY.

Blog me

Blogging.

The only thing that has been constant for me since I discovered it.

That's like 7 years of my life.

3 years - the start, was too gay to read.

I kept this blog constant for 4 years of my life.

That's the longest I've ever done anything constantly and enjoyed it.

i drew my face on the sheets

I've been watching life of Ryan and it has so much guy drama in it,

I was like, man, guys really do that? Fight and all over friendship?

Well, I guess I still have so much more to figure out.

I've been watching the Maury show and I was watching this 15 year old girl trying to get pregnant and I was all like, damnnnnn. what is the world coming to? And like she has sex so much more than I think i would ever have in two of my lifetimes. That's not even badass. That's just gross.

But I was thinking about the reasons why I'm not like that, and I figured it's cos even though I may come out as wild and crazy, I always have someone to keep me under control and I like that. I like that my friends are always like watching out for me and I really appreciate what they do for me. I know that sometimes, I need to be taken care of and stuff and I'm glad there is always someone there for me.

But on the side note, I feel like clubbing again for some reason.

Anyways, I've got my Placebo tix so night of fun is coming up soon.

I'm still thinking about celebrating my half birthday though.

It sounds so stupid.

But I want my birthday to be a day where everyone I love is there for me.

The most horrible birthday was a couple of years back where I didn't have much friends.

I felt like crying so bad, because I always had a whole group of them from everywhere.

I'm building that again now because some people left.

Imagine starting school again this year, and like I can't really celebrate it with anyone.

People that I'm really close to and known for years won't be there.

which would really really suck.

So I'm thinking about it.

So I have piano exam and filming and placebo concert coming up,

also ladies night with my newfound clique, or so I hope.

An internet conference thing to give me an idea to how I can start my business

and like, study days with the same people.

I need like drinking days and doing nothing days where I stay home and watch greek and all my shows that I'm missing out on.

omggg. greek. I can't wait for chris to give me the seasons.

SCOTT MICHAEL FOSTER :B

But soon.

I just realised today that I actually quit my job.

like for real rachael.

Like, that sucks.

Now I have no idea what I'm going to do.

I have to get inspiration soon.

Cos right now, my head is cluttered with nothing but obsession and migraine.

Can't wait for my piano exam to be over.

That day would be the day I've been waiting for, my entire life.

my parents would stop obsessing about my music for once in my life.

FINALLY.

breaking out of that hideous, hideous cycle.

I shall move on and compose my nonsense soon.

And learn the violin.

I should sleep and forget.

I've been lacking that for a long time.

When you think life is going down hill, it goes up hill again

Dilemma guys.

like, I found the perfect university course,

that I'd most probably get into.

It is really really awesome.

Business

+

Arts

+

Music

How awesome is that shit, really?

Like EVERYTHING i want to do with my life.

Entrepreneurship with CREATIVE AND PROFESSIONAL WRITING (omfg this one is like my life) and Music and Advertising.

And music isn't like classical shit, it's like freaking digital technology kinda thing, like DJ-ing and shit.

HOW FREAKING AWESOME IS THAT.

everything.

like I'm going to hunt canada for that course.

If they don't have it, I'll settle for the beaches,

which is not that bad actually.

I have too much sunshine clothes to put to good use.

but my video business.. me wanting to meet really awesome canadian youtubers.. like that has to be gone if like I don't go to canada. and USA is not an option for my holidays to visit my cousin.

So US parties are outta the question which really sucks and US is an awesome shopping place.

(omfg. What am I turning into? Feel like some party whore saying this)

I really love love love canada,

but like. I can live there when I'm older and get my PR and like have a family there or some shit like that. I think this country is too small to make me rich in whatever I want to do in the future.

So.. Australia.. really? Like the country I soooo hate.

hm.

Di-fucking-lemma.

Need to talk to more people and clear my head on this.

switching countries so quickly just freaks me out.

oh yes, I'll start filming soon.

and I'm going to film with some other people too which is really quite awesome.

I miss acting so so much, ever since like 2008.

I want to make a movie.

But first, I shall write it.

I have such a huge idea.

I think it's really awesome.

so yes, don't ask.

I don't like people knowing my business.

Cos I hate people judging.

It just like spoils it all..

burst my bubble that I love living in.

omfg, creative writing.

Something I want to do forever.

write about everything.

I WANT TO GO PEOPLE WATCHING.

WHO WANTS TO GO WITH ME?

and tanning.

Mannn. my friend said that I'm so fair now.

SUCKS.

abs abs abs! I need those.

And I realise I like weird people.

I really love weird people.

And people who do very stupid things with me.

Like stalk cute boys at the mall and realise that they're not that cute,

or like looking at some lesbian cos she looks just like that lesbian from a porno.

Just people who are so weirdddddly cool.

and no, not those drunk people who utters nonsense at the side of the road.

cos those are just.. people with no sense of whats going on, and that's not cool.

Went out with christine today,

we laughed like idiots,

talking so much nonsense.

I miss tessa cos I can talk nonsense to her and she gets so pissed off in a very funny way.

Maybe I'll move to aussieland just to do that.