1 + 1 =

ioc+ee+tok+math/econs/physics tests.

all in the same week.

NOT COOL AT ALL.

tadayyy,

i went over to esthers just to go listen to her tuition teacher 

and her talk for about 3 hours about ioc.

freaking tiring, and its crazy shit.

esther is going to do very well.

she is crazy.

and she has loads of penguins.

and im scared of one of them.

it is tiny and scary.

im just going to finish studying math and sleep.

i cant be bothered to do anything else right now.

im so freaking tired,

math made me look stupid today.

wow.

ok.

i need sleep.

prisoner of today

today,

i stayed at home and did..

nothing.

but watch american idol and csi,

and get on facebook.

the big construction guy was out on american idol this week.

its sad he got out.

i like him.

thats exactly the kinda guy i want to marry.

he looks like the really sweet guy whose an absolutely hopeless romantic.

and there's loads to hug. ;)

i want those kinda guys.

and no. no more skinnier-than-me boyfs.

made that mistake twice.

that would my girl moment for the week.

i need to start to revise for ioc.

but im really tired still...

gah! bitch.

Bunny pushing button : Me.

Bunny inside blender: Me.

i would totally press the red button.

whatever it takes to save myself man.

i'll prolly kill myself somehow.

at least i've tried.

im fucking tired.

but i dont wana sleep.

i wana watch tv.

but i am damn lazy to leave this chair.

ok. plan for next week..

1. catch up on econs.

2. IOC PREP!!

3. EE editing

4. math tests.

5. econs essay.

6. Music presentation (electronica)

7. TOK paper prep.

8. physics test.

9. econs current affair test.

oh. fucking hell. 

kill me. 

testsss for every subject but music.

holy shit. 

IOC and EE are most important.

sleeeeeeeep!

cat in bag

I know i don't post vids,

but this is really funny. :D

esther googles really weird things. 

sappy cliche crap

i have to say something.

i like sappy old love stories with cliche endings.

they can make me cry, 

but i dont.

they're so stupidly plotted and you know everything that's going to happen.

but its some dream every girl has.

i wish i weren't so gay.

but what can i say?

my horoscope says hopeless romantic all over it.

caffineeeeeee!

i had a productive DO YOUR EE BY TONIGHT session with steph and korea.

500 words to go!

yesssss! finally!

i'm awfully tired. 

and i ran on caffine today.

2 cups of tea and 1 cup of coffee.

i know, i am allergic to coffee and all, but dealing with the reactions are fine for now.

anything seems better than ee.

instead of doing ee,

i am doing the 10 second interview on facebook,

playing mafia wars,

talking to esther about adam from american idol (i dont like him..but esther does!),

writing this post,

& watching some vid that esther sent me.

thats how bored i am.

i find ANYTHING to do.

ok ray, 500 words more.

i cant wait for this week to end!

then its IOC.

ok. scratch that.

I CANT WAIT FOR NEXT WEEK TO END!

then its going out with steph to go shop and LAN.

left for dead is awesome.

yeap! thats the awesome game i was talking about.

killing zombies is more fun than CS any day.

cant waitttt!

ok ray. EE.

!

i trust easily, forgive me.

ray,

i know you.

you shouldn't be upset anymore.

its fine to be like this now. 

but please keep telling yourself you're stronger than this.

you'd survive this.

but here's what i've gotta say.

if i want something, 

i'll try to get it.

if it doesnt succeed,

i can say i've tried. 

because i know i did.

but in the end, if it doesnt work out, it's OH WELL.

whatever the circumstance is.

school is getting crazier by the day.

gahhhhhhh.

/chokes on homework.

Inspired

Dearest Rachael,

you're going to move on from today.

Yes. I'm inspired by all the shit i've been through.

I've seen too much in two months.

Too much of people being unreasonable,

being assholes,

me being stupid,

me being a stupid jerk that i'd never thought i'd ever be,

me losing someone really close. 

Listen up,

EVERYONE IS GOING TO BE SOMETHING THEY SAY THEY HATE OR THEY SAY THEY'RE NOT GOING TO BE. 

THAT'S ALL EVERYONE WOULD BECOME EVENTUALLY.

I'm going to change that now. 

Find myself again, and stick to it.

so here's what I'm gonna do.

I'll have a whole wardrobe change,

after me losing like 5 kg. (!)

write a whole load more,

that's how i let it all out. 

do my work,

so i'd feel smarter. (LOL)

have more time with myself and my friends. 

I'd feel much better with people anyways.

two quotes i'll leave for today.

brent; hurt people hurt people.

bel; don't let anyone decide your self-worth. you decide it.

that's all i need to go on right now.

I'll get over it eventually.

being inspired feels awesome.

the silver lining of breakups. 

pills and meals

I want big crazy hair.

And 

A new Email add.

Refuge

I shall go back to my refuge, the cave that I retreat to after being sought after by arrows. My cave, where I’m a cynic of love, where everything is blunt and broken. I don’t have the extra arrows or torches, I lost all at war. It’ll be dark and moody. I’d be alone, again. I won’t believe in love or hope anymore. It always disappoints you. I’d fear nothing because the most had hurt me. I’ve been hunted down by arrows, been shot by rifles yet I am still alive. I can survive anything now, for I am invincible. The lions, the bears, the bats, they are my friends. They always have been. We survive anything. We are the hunter and not the hunted. Like vampires, we are invincible. There is no more fire, no more spark. The cave glistens darkness.

Believe me, I tried. I really did, but I was a hopeless soldier. Now my cave, my friends, we shall change that, because we are going to me invincible and hope and love shall never bring us down again. We’d be challenged but we should never give in. We would at one point, but not anytime soon. We should never give in to our enemies and we shall never put our guard down. They lie. You see, we ran out of bullets and all that’s left are shell casings reminding us how we lost.

My friends, we’ll pick ourselves up and hunt for the deers and the antelopes. We would pick on the weaker species. We’d break its every bone and tear it apart, till its insides spill out. That would be the glory we would savour together. Together, my friends, we could do anything. We’d be stronger after all these. We’d be stronger and better. No one’s going to save us. We’d save ourselves now.

this is sorry for the last time

i need loads of girl time.

dress ups and doing something retarded.

i feel stupid for losing that.

wasn't really worth it.

i found a place i like.

the book store at vivo.

:D

books are awesome.

2500 words for EE.

1500 more to go.

:D

today, i woke up from a weird dream.

it was horrible.

and i was so pissed off when i got up.

it is so stupid to feel like that.

but i hate it when your day starts off like that.

i'm waiting for brent to get over now.

IOC.

IB kills.

but it's my new boyf now.

i hate my new boyf so much. 

:|

back to ee!

i have never..

penguin rightsssss!

i know you're reading this.

LOL.

 and you should know i love you,

even with your high levels of exhaustion with walking around trying to find my top,

which i couldn't find in the end.

andddd. our stoned faces after sheesha.

and your esther tops.

i know what you like.

so yesterday was fun.

shopping for hours instead of reading othello,

and finding 10 dollar dresses.

yay. 

pretty 10 dollar dresses. :D

but i was stupid again.

drowning my problems on people.

i should stop doing that.

i'm being so damn annoying when i do that.

im over it now.. i hope.

but after everything,

there was an hour of killing zombies,

this awesome game.

i forgot its name.

but i killed zombiesss.

now i know why boys like computer games.

i have found my place.

cheap thrills.

its all thats going to keep me going now.

next thing i'm gonna try,

karaoke.

lol. 

i need people who can't sing, like me.

so we can make a total fool outta ourselves and not be embarressed about it.

today, it's going to be ee.

MUST FINISH EE.

gahhhhhhhhhhhhh. IOC. :(

i would explode just to save your life.

gahhhhh!

ee is still not done!

2500 words to go. 

!!!

going out with my favourite and only penguin lover today.

ioc. 

weeks should go on for about 10 days.

makes us die a lil,

but there's more time!

what i need more than anything in the world.

i love getting wounds.

thats only cos of the after effect of it.

unlike the sea,

you get to pick on the scabs.

i know its all gross and everything,

blahblahblah.

i love it. 

its one of the best things you can do.

it's not like you fall everyday,

unless you're a really clumsy freak.

but yes. scabss. hahahhaha.

fun.

yes. miu miu. we better do something fun today.

i needta shop !

RETAIL THERAPY!!

works everytime. :D

take off your colors

yesterday was good.

it was retarded but good.

i havent had retarded in a while.

retarded being going to the wrong cinema and telling people you're in the wrong seats.

or finding an atm and realising its right in front of you.

punching each other to judge how 'buff' we've become.

(but you know i aint cos im fat.)

bus rides and talking shit.

i miss that.

i bet there's more coming up. :)

fun.

so today, its ee and waiting for some idiot to come over to help me.

gahhhhhhh.

ioc tmr.

:(

maybe.

i want a tattoo.

we're all going to hell anyway.

you, stupid fool

i shall stop annoying people with my problems.

im an idiot, yes.

but i shall stop being annoying.

today, i'm going to do work and have fun. 

:D

movie and out with a few of my favourit-est people. :)

i need retail therapy!!

gahhhh.

shoes and bagsss,

and shirts. 

long shirts.

:)

rain rain go awayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. 

drink!

guess what? i'm never like other girls. like i said. i'm really different

okayyyyy. new week goal.

finish ee,

finish tok,

finish world lit, 

prepare for IOC,

do physics,

practise piano.

meet loads of people,

go drinking,

sheesha,

go shopping,

lose freaking weight,

read breaking dawn,

watch one tree hill, gossip girl, heroes, 90210.

that'll be my week y'll. 

that'll be enough stuff to occupy me for the week.

rayyyyyyychael

rachael. you're a fucking idiot.

you're welcome.

you cant listen to anyone but yourself.

now, pull yourself up.

get over yourself again.

get a freaking drink.

then get sober.

you'd be better tmr. 

laugh. you've lost too much this time.

too much.

hope's a lie. 

you need to learn that.

there's no such thing. 

give it up.

stop believing in it.

maybe i'll forget it.

the good thing about scraping your knees really badly is..

your parents drive you around everywhere

the excuse for not cleaning up your room is, 'my knees hurt real bad..'

you can just sit down and watch tv all day and tell your siblings to serve you cos 'i can't walk..'

you don't have to go anywhere.

if you do, your parents would send you right to the doorstep of the place and not complain about it.

the bad thing about scraping your knees really badly is...

you can't go out at all!

you can't do anything much. not even serve yourself.

when you get up and walk. it really hurts, therefore, the solution for this is to use a swivel chair that you can roll around the house with, but sadly, i can't cos it 'spoils the floor'.

you're stuck at home for a couple of days. 

its difficult to bath. seasick after effects + scraped knees = im not going to bath anymore.

your skin grows into the plaster and you have to pull all the skin out to remove the bandage. (OUCHHH!)

ON THE OTHER SIDE,

dlfibgasdlkjnwljednbalskdfbaslkgbaslbgjdasldkjnblasjbgna

i dont know what i want or should do anymore. 

gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

forget it.

i need to start on work soon.

like ee, and tok and world lit and IOC.

and maybe ask for sleepovers. :D

what's my problem?

every night, i go to sleep thinking how much hope there is left.

but

every morning, i wake up thinking how screwed i am and how hope isn't there anymore.

what a great way to start off my day.

i thought someone would save me,

but i was wrong.

everything that's happening now,

is one more step to making me hurt a little more.

i know i can't blame anyone but myself for putting myself into situations like this,

but OH WELL.

so much for term one.

anymore of this shit,

and i'll seriously KILL myself or stab someone,

or both. whichever.

ps. make sure his not a rebound. rebounds are not cool at all

rachael, you're such an idiot

you know rachael, you should be stronger.

i can't. i tried. i can't.

you can't live like this anymore.

there's still some hope, trust me.

no there isn't.

shut up. there is.
you can't keep depending on people like this.

i am not depending on people.

yes you are. you have to move on, right now.

you know i can't do that.

you've done it before, you can do it again.

you're hurting yourself so bad.

i'm not. i just need to be around people who care or something.

you just miss the other person.

maybe.

you're finding someone who'd make it all better.

no i'm not. i told you. i need to be around people.

no you don't. you need a friend who'd be there.

she's not here anymore. she would be if she could. but oh well.

you're going to hurt yourself if you keep doing this.

no i won't. i'd be better, i promise.

don't turn this into a cycle.

i won't.

i think you should start doing something about school work.. especially ee.

i guess so.

i want to watch

don't ask me why.

i want to watch this again.

you're not gonna stop me now

hello there.

you know i never listen to anyone's advice,

especially nicole richie,

but i found this.

and its cool.

never thought anyone like her could say anything smart.

so anyways,

here,

this is to you.

remember how you said how i'm not good enough,

i'm not smart enough,

i'm not pretty enough,

i'm not hot enough,

i'm not fashionable enough (like i give a shit),

you're wrong.

i realise that you don't think i'm good enough,

cos you don't think i can do anything as well as you.

but guess what?

you're not any better either.

your thoughts of me are selfish.

you didnt love me when you said all that.

you were in love with someone else.

and honestly, if you had the balls to tell me,

i'd be much satisfied.

but no.

you didnt have the BALLS to.

i'm letting go of what we used to be.

i loved it

but i guess people change.

i dont blame you for changing.

but i blame you for leaving me hanging.

i know that if i learnt to let go,

something better would come along.

i really hope that his the better thing that's coming along.

but well.

it's much better than anything you turned into since you went away.

this is my last post about you.

i guess this is the end.

we used to be so good together.

too bad it didnt work out.