strange

I've moved to a new land where no one knows my name, or about my past, or anything about me. I make friends with people who want to be friends with me, but people here are friendly. In this place, I don't feel obliged to beg for friendship or buying friendship, or trying to control people so they'd be friends. No. This time, it's different. In this place, I am perfect.

I'm not judged by people around me, or holding on to a thread called friendship that I hope wouldn't break. This time, I'm not alone. Strangers from different places all together in one place, sensitive to the culture of the land. I love it. I love it here.

But my past still haunts me, pisses me off, and leave me angered. I hate it back home. I hate being judged so much. It's a never ending circle that's condescending. I will leave. The only thing pulling me from one end of the world to the other is a cyberspace called the internet. Communication is still two ways. Goodbye, not really. We'd probably meet again.

blank spaces

hello there pretty lady,

you're not alone anymore.

today, i woke up really sad.

i miss home so bad.

i miss everyone.

so fucking bad.

like, it just makes me want to cry thinking about it.

which im not going to do.

im going to try to be happy today.

there's so much things i have to learn to deal with.

and it's so fucking difficult.

now that im not that alone anymore.

but still.

its tiring trying to please everyone and stuff like that.

god.

i hate this sometimes.

but i really love this place so much.

alright, anyways. i was reading my tumblr.

and i realised how depressed and shit i really was and like i dont know.

i dont want to feel that ever again.

and im in this new thing,

with someone who's awesome.

but i dont know. it's just weird.

like

too good to be true,

so maybe im trying to keep a distance for now.

i know, so retarded right.

but i dont know what to do.

i guess im just scared that i'll end up like my first few posts of tumblr again.

which is really,

the worst i've ever felt.

and this whole thing.

just makes me think about that.

and its not cool.

at all.

just feel so.

scared.

i dont want to be alone.

but i dont want to get hurt either.

god.

im so weirdddddddd.

i should stop feeling this way.

anyways. its sunny outside.

doesnt match how im feeling today.

gotta go downtown soon.

it feels weird when whatever you wants come true.

and in a foreign land.

when you're all alone.

just, too good to be true.

odd.

what the fuck is this?

so it's like this

so it goes like this.

everyday, i wake up.

at about 12,

and i eat every 2 hours,

until i fall asleep.

when i go to the store,

i always get a different kinda candy.

and snack on candy every 2 hours when i am lazy to go down to get something to eat.

when i go out,

i usually spend money..

on food.

any kinda food,

today, candy.

tmr, poutine.

the day after, nandos.

the day after the day after, sorbet...

I make friends on the internet.

and it's dangerous.

but i don't feel that way.

i am feeling, in fact, very much numb and like, i can't control what I'm doing or thinking.

I have to call telus.

I have to make financial plans and cannot keep on living like this.

I have to spend less money but GOD, I LOVE STARBUCKS HERE.

Or just coffee and food.

My favourite shops are H&M and Forever 21.

I get clothes all the time.

especially tank tops.

and I get too much eyeliner.

which I use, btw.

but still.

i have 3 right now.

how much eyeliner can i put on my eye?

Apparently,

A LOT.

i will never run out.

and my eyes will always be bigger than usual.

:D

i feel like shopping still.

alright. limitation.

i can only use 150dollars next week.

the

end

.

found.

Remember the rivers the floods?

They were crashing all around.

The trees were turned over,

The houses were broken.

I was laying there.

In the middle on that thunderstorm.

Waiting.

"Have you seen the sun?"

Your voice cried out,

In the middle of the storm.

"What?"

I thought.

You grabbed my hand and pulled me onto your raft.

Broken, was everything around me.

But not you.

We tried to get away from the storm.

But no,

it was too crazy for our small bodies.

So we laid there.

Waiting.

You pulled me close.

We were both shivering in the cold.

What else mattered?

Nothing.

We lost everything.

So we were waiting.

Waiting for death.

Waiting for the storm to stop.

Waiting to stop shivering.

And out of nowhere,

you whispered in my ear,

"i found the sun."

And I was in your arms.

Waiting.

i have no idea

i am entirely obsessed with this picture.

first of all, lions.

second of all.

it's awesome.

it's really cold here.

they say a huge storm is coming.

i hope it would.

i want to see how storms are like at the other side of the world.

im awake most of the night.

not cos of jetlag.

i just don't want to fall asleep knowing im alone again.

so i get myself to be super tired.

you know,

i've always been a hopeless romantic.

but, i don't show it.

or may not show it.

i don't know. i don't videotape myself and analyse.

but i'm always so caught up with finding it.

or maybe just the feeling of love and not the person,

according to my horoscope.

i get so obsessed over the most romantic things someone has done for me.

gawd.

if i would just stop to think about it.

i want to slap myself most of the time.

cos i've been looking for love all over.

but i can't stop.

it's like fucking heroin.

no one's talking to me here.

and im finding reasons to justify things that i do.

sometimes,

i just tell myself,

stop rachael.

this is not what u want to do.

seriously.

i can't wait to find a proper boyf.

but when i do,

i know im going to be the cool, nonchalant, super laidback person i am, or i want people to look at me as.

i always want to find someone like well, a best friend, who i'm totally comfortable with.

i've never found that.

and i think that's so annoying.

because i'm such a hardup ass.

3 months on working on myself.

i think so.

i should start now.

hello again

wasssuuppp.

i havent been here for too long but heyyy!

I've been in Canada for a week now and IT IS AWESOME.

it's everything i thought it would be and i love it here.

i already feel like home.

it's not that i don't miss home,

but this place is so beautiful, i'm falling in love with it everyday.

i can't wait to explore more of the place.

exploration is awesome.

but for now,

i need to so some massive shopping because im too cold here.

and i need jackets and boots.

and then i have to think of stuff to buy for my dorm room.

i need a lamp,

and i want to buy a lamp.

and i can't wait to go lamp hunting!

im quite obssessed with the thought of having a lamp right now.

i want a lamp.

oh oh!

and a tea pot, and a tea collection.

i just love these things.

teapots are the most awesome things ever.

tea > coffee because good coffee is hard to make without an electrical machine.

to get good tea, buy good leaves and JUST ADD WATER. :)

my favourite thing to do here is to wash my face.

just because i love the soap and the state of my skin here.

it's too awesome.

and then there's the part where i was sick, and still am sick for a week,

i think i lost a bit of weight.

or not,

whatever.

i've been having donuts and pizza and falafel and bubble tea.

food here is good.

BUT I WANT IHOP WHEN I GET BETTER.

pancakes taste so good here though.

i love pancakes.

i hate putting on moisturizer though.

it's too annoying.

but my skin would get all gross and pealing later.

i should moisturize my face soon.

alright.

i can't wait to go to US to shop.

it's quite expensive here in canada.

good night for now.

3 days and gone

good morning.

I have realised it's down to 3.

3 days till freedom..

till awesome gigs, new friends, new environment, new life, new clothes, new shoes, discoveries, explorations and experience.

my life is going to change so drastically.

I can't wait for the awesome summer weather.

But I would like to say.

RACHAEL, YOU HAVE TO BE OPTIMISTIC COS YOU'RE GOING TO BE LONELY FOR AWHILE.

so here.

i'm going to write all my frustrations and shit like that.

because I can,

and I will.

and I would not want to be depressed.

HELLO SUMMER 2010, CANADA.

nice.