.

strange

2010-07-16T14:18:00.002+08:00

I've moved to a new land where no one knows my name, or about my past, or anything about me. I make friends with people who want to be friends with me, but people here are friendly. In this place, I don't feel obliged to beg for friendship or buying friendship, or trying to control people so they'd be friends. No. This time, it's different. In this place, I am perfect.

I'm not judged by people around me, or holding on to a thread called friendship that I hope wouldn't break. This time, I'm not alone. Strangers from different places all together in one place, sensitive to the culture of the land. I love it. I love it here.

But my past still haunts me, pisses me off, and leave me angered. I hate it back home. I hate being judged so much. It's a never ending circle that's condescending. I will leave. The only thing pulling me from one end of the world to the other is a cyberspace called the internet. Communication is still two ways. Goodbye, not really. We'd probably meet again.

blank spaces

2010-06-20T01:45:00.002+08:00

hello there pretty lady,

you're not alone anymore.

today, i woke up really sad.

i miss home so bad.

i miss everyone.

so fucking bad.

like, it just makes me want to cry thinking about it.

which im not going to do.

im going to try to be happy today.

there's so much things i have to learn to deal with.

and it's so fucking difficult.

now that im not that alone anymore.

but still.

its tiring trying to please everyone and stuff like that.

god.

i hate this sometimes.

but i really love this place so much.

alright, anyways. i was reading my tumblr.

and i realised how depressed and shit i really was and like i dont know.

i dont want to feel that ever again.

and im in this new thing,

with someone who's awesome.

but i dont know. it's just weird.

too good to be true,

so maybe im trying to keep a distance for now.

i know, so retarded right.

but i dont know what to do.

i guess im just scared that i'll end up like my first few posts of tumblr again.

which is really,

the worst i've ever felt.

and this whole thing.

just makes me think about that.

and its not cool.

at all.

just feel so.

scared.

i dont want to be alone.

but i dont want to get hurt either.

god.

im so weirdddddddd.

i should stop feeling this way.

anyways. its sunny outside.

doesnt match how im feeling today.

gotta go downtown soon.

it feels weird when whatever you wants come true.

and in a foreign land.

when you're all alone.

just, too good to be true.

odd.

what the fuck is this?

so it's like this

2010-06-14T08:07:00.002+08:00

so it goes like this.

everyday, i wake up.

at about 12,

and i eat every 2 hours,

until i fall asleep.

when i go to the store,

i always get a different kinda candy.

and snack on candy every 2 hours when i am lazy to go down to get something to eat.

when i go out,

i usually spend money..

on food.

any kinda food,

today, candy.

tmr, poutine.

the day after, nandos.

the day after the day after, sorbet...

I make friends on the internet.

and it's dangerous.

but i don't feel that way.

i am feeling, in fact, very much numb and like, i can't control what I'm doing or thinking.

I have to call telus.

I have to make financial plans and cannot keep on living like this.

I have to spend less money but GOD, I LOVE STARBUCKS HERE.

Or just coffee and food.

My favourite shops are H&M and Forever 21.

I get clothes all the time.

especially tank tops.

and I get too much eyeliner.

which I use, btw.

but still.

i have 3 right now.

how much eyeliner can i put on my eye?

Apparently,

A LOT.

i will never run out.

and my eyes will always be bigger than usual.

i feel like shopping still.

alright. limitation.

i can only use 150dollars next week.

the

end

found.

2010-06-08T05:34:00.003+08:00

Remember the rivers the floods?

They were crashing all around.

The trees were turned over,

The houses were broken.

I was laying there.

In the middle on that thunderstorm.

Waiting.

"Have you seen the sun?"

Your voice cried out,

In the middle of the storm.

"What?"

I thought.

You grabbed my hand and pulled me onto your raft.

Broken, was everything around me.

But not you.

We tried to get away from the storm.

But no,

it was too crazy for our small bodies.

So we laid there.

Waiting.

You pulled me close.

We were both shivering in the cold.

What else mattered?

Nothing.

We lost everything.

So we were waiting.

Waiting for death.

Waiting for the storm to stop.

Waiting to stop shivering.

And out of nowhere,

you whispered in my ear,

"i found the sun."

And I was in your arms.

Waiting.

i have no idea

2010-06-03T15:44:00.002+08:00

i am entirely obsessed with this picture.

first of all, lions.

second of all.

it's awesome.

it's really cold here.

they say a huge storm is coming.

i hope it would.

i want to see how storms are like at the other side of the world.

im awake most of the night.

not cos of jetlag.

i just don't want to fall asleep knowing im alone again.

so i get myself to be super tired.

you know,

i've always been a hopeless romantic.

but, i don't show it.

or may not show it.

i don't know. i don't videotape myself and analyse.

but i'm always so caught up with finding it.

or maybe just the feeling of love and not the person,

according to my horoscope.

i get so obsessed over the most romantic things someone has done for me.

gawd.

if i would just stop to think about it.

i want to slap myself most of the time.

cos i've been looking for love all over.

but i can't stop.

it's like fucking heroin.

no one's talking to me here.

and im finding reasons to justify things that i do.

sometimes,

i just tell myself,

stop rachael.

this is not what u want to do.

seriously.

i can't wait to find a proper boyf.

but when i do,

i know im going to be the cool, nonchalant, super laidback person i am, or i want people to look at me as.

i always want to find someone like well, a best friend, who i'm totally comfortable with.

i've never found that.

and i think that's so annoying.

because i'm such a hardup ass.

3 months on working on myself.

i think so.

i should start now.

hello again

2010-05-30T15:32:00.003+08:00

wasssuuppp.

i havent been here for too long but heyyy!

I've been in Canada for a week now and IT IS AWESOME.

it's everything i thought it would be and i love it here.

i already feel like home.

it's not that i don't miss home,

but this place is so beautiful, i'm falling in love with it everyday.

i can't wait to explore more of the place.

exploration is awesome.

but for now,

i need to so some massive shopping because im too cold here.

and i need jackets and boots.

and then i have to think of stuff to buy for my dorm room.

i need a lamp,

and i want to buy a lamp.

and i can't wait to go lamp hunting!

im quite obssessed with the thought of having a lamp right now.

i want a lamp.

oh oh!

and a tea pot, and a tea collection.

i just love these things.

teapots are the most awesome things ever.

tea > coffee because good coffee is hard to make without an electrical machine.

to get good tea, buy good leaves and JUST ADD WATER. :)

my favourite thing to do here is to wash my face.

just because i love the soap and the state of my skin here.

it's too awesome.

and then there's the part where i was sick, and still am sick for a week,

i think i lost a bit of weight.

or not,

whatever.

i've been having donuts and pizza and falafel and bubble tea.

food here is good.

BUT I WANT IHOP WHEN I GET BETTER.

pancakes taste so good here though.

i love pancakes.

i hate putting on moisturizer though.

it's too annoying.

but my skin would get all gross and pealing later.

i should moisturize my face soon.

alright.

i can't wait to go to US to shop.

it's quite expensive here in canada.

good night for now.

3 days and gone

2010-05-20T09:02:00.002+08:00

good morning.

I have realised it's down to 3.

3 days till freedom..

till awesome gigs, new friends, new environment, new life, new clothes, new shoes, discoveries, explorations and experience.

my life is going to change so drastically.

I can't wait for the awesome summer weather.

But I would like to say.

RACHAEL, YOU HAVE TO BE OPTIMISTIC COS YOU'RE GOING TO BE LONELY FOR AWHILE.

so here.

i'm going to write all my frustrations and shit like that.

because I can,

and I will.

and I would not want to be depressed.

HELLO SUMMER 2010, CANADA.

nice.

it's fine

2010-05-15T23:38:00.004+08:00

few things i discovered.

crying in the shower totally makes you feel so much better.

crying seriously is the cure to sadness.

people can make you few better by saying things you don't want to say/think about.

hope isn't necessarily something you should look forward to, instead, look forward to the future.

i like writing things i think about even though it sounds so cliche.

i will be fine eventually.

i will be finer tmr.

a new day is better than an old one.

i will not be stuck on rewind.

i wish i could wish a wish

2010-05-15T22:24:00.003+08:00

i honestly feel like crap these few days. it's like everything's getting surreal. i wake up every morning counting down the days before i leave. it gets more and more like a nightmare that i want to wake up from. i dont feel so ready anymore. i take one day at a time but taking one day at the time is bad because i dont think of the future, just how to live through to the next day. i always said i like to be stable, like know whats going to happen tmr, have a proper routine, that kinda thing. a goal. right now, it feels very unstable. but at least i know stability in the next 4 years. i just have to get over myself and hit that milestone that i have planned since i was younger. i always knew that i was going overseas, without my parents, like how my dad did. but i didn't know it was going to be this hard. this is just whining that i'll be doing constantly for the next few months, or just days. but i'm seriously going to miss this place, as much as i hate it here. im sure im going to love canada but honestly, the only thing holding me back is the people back here who are always here for me. im afraid that over there, i have no one. or i'll have nothing compared to the people i have here.

i think im scared of instability, because i don't know what's going to happen there. like, im seriously going to be on my own. taking care of myself. fighting my own fights alone, making new friends, studying alone, i don't know. it's so scary but such an adventure. im so excited and so scared at the same time. i think this is only normal. but im so sad about leaving. everyday, im reminded. my mom, my family, like everyone just tells me random shit that i hear everyday. it just makes me so sad. but i will not cry in front of them. i just wont. i have this problem, where i dont show emotion to people who are like my family or like people im not used to. like seriously, i pretend like i dont give a shit and everything. which is the most insensitive thing. but i guess thats how i show it. acting like everything is fine. i think i'll burst out crying in the end, at the airport. before i start a new life again.

fuck. this is so scary. take it away.

You're David Copperfield but i can't disappear

2010-05-14T00:19:00.003+08:00

today i thought about what how to be strong. it's so funny how you can wake up feeling great but end the day feeling like crap. i had fun going out with chels today. talking about everything and laughing about the most bullshit thing for hours. i thought about how im going to miss her because she's so fun and everything and how im not going to miss some other people. i realise how i hate fake people so fucking much it makes me want to stab them with cigarette buds and pour fake tea down their shirts. i wonder how they survive being fake. they dont understand poverty, or how it feels like to be hurt, or how to understand other people or how life isn't actually rainbows and fucking sunshines or how to help friends in a fight or how to just be nice.. genuinely nice. like, really. doesnt it hurt that you're holding your fucking mouth they happy side up with wires.

i shall stop bitchin' but i just want to say. im glad im weird and not your type because there's only one of me. i am stupid, idiotic, annoying and shit like that and i love it. i look ugly sometimes, i glue my eyes together sometimes but im not afraid of looking stupid or anything. at least i know i laugh because it's funny, i cry because i'm sad, i don't hold back my smiles or act like im so cool in front of my friends because i can look as stupid or annoying or ugly in front of them and they wont judge me. i dont think this is cos im cocky or anything. i think it's cos i know who i am. i may lose that for awhile sometimes, but i always find myself. the fun, annoying, bullshit, laughing nonstop at stupid things, nice person that i want to be and that i am.

today, i felt sad. so i locked myself in the room and sang every song that i thought of, with lyrics googled in front of me in the most disgustingly horrible singing voice i have. because i can and no one can here me other than my brother who doesn't give a shit. i felt better. and then i watched intevention and i thought about how people drive themselves into addiction and i was thinking about how i should always try to be strong and do the right thing no matter how sad i am or if something bad happens to me. i was thinking, am i an addict in any way? right now, no. maybe to typing shit in a virtual space but well, this is healthy. i write so much when i feel so sad. i can go on and on and on which im doing right now.

anyways, i thought about something else today while i was out. which was like how girls depend on guys to prove how much they are worth and also, this is in relation to greek. i am trying so hard not to be a victim of that shit, like not being dependent on guys. sometimes, i feel so stupid when my mood changes so quickly when some guy msges me or calls me or goes out with me. i realise how it's so shortlived before i start to get like.. agitated or bitchy or some shit like that. like i can never be happy for more than a day or 2. depends. that really sucks though. im going to build myself up to a stage where i cant be bothered. seriously. of all the things i dont give a shit about, i give a shit about boys which is seriously the most retarded thing ever. if someone doesnt care about you, you shouldnt give a shit right. like seriously, i think steph is awesome because she can do that but i cant. but i will. just dont give a shit. to continue not giving a shit about anything.

ok. i have discovered a lot of nonsense about myself in the last few days and if you really are reading this shit. im really upset and so, i wrote shit. goodnight.

my nose is sore though. sucks.

you're a bleeding heart

2010-05-13T00:10:00.006+08:00

it's not ok.

when you are leaving and you are in the car and you are choking up,

realising it's just a dream and you wake up to reality and realise you're crying in your sleep.

and when you realise you're crying, you cry some more cos you know you're leaving.

and that you're going to leave your family.

and your face cringes making tears fall like crazy.

then you toss on the bed.

thinking, "it's not time yet."

it's not ok.

when goodbye is silent.

i don't understand it.

just say it.

it would hurt.

but not as bad as wondering.

no.

i take that back.

maybe mysteries are better than closures.

no.

i cannot decide.

maybe.

it's not ok.

when you have to meet so many people to say goodbye.

it leaves you outta breath.

sometimes, saying goodbye to people you're not so close to..

just brings out the fake smiles and nice gestures.

they don't mean anything.

i don't want to go out with you, you, and you.

it's not ok.

i want to be around people I love,

who loves me back.

not the rest of you.

sometimes,

i want to be alone.

say goodbye to my close ones.

and leave.

not drown myself with goodbyes.

making me feel worst than i already am feeling.

goodbye should mean something.

maybe we should change it.

it should be see you later.

but then who reads into these things?

jet plane leaving soon

2010-05-09T12:55:00.004+08:00

I'm leaving.

in 2 weeks.

I'm scared to bits.

I want to cry.

I've never done anything quite so huge before.

and i dont even know if im coming back.

it's like.

im going live on a new earth.

everything is going to be different.

i shall enjoy every second of it.

i bet it's going to be beautiful though.

i want to be there.

but not leave this all behind.

i shall get over my fears and live with what i really really want.

this is what you want rachael.

Monkey cow

2010-05-05T08:49:00.002+08:00

I have another idea.

The last 2 weeks before going to canada,

I will try to tan every single day.

Go to the streets for new studs for my piercing (:B) and more lion shirts.

One day, I want to make webshows again.

And play the guitar and violin,

& write songs.

I think my university life would be like cappie.

Unable to pick a major.

/shrugs.

Oh well.

Sugar Rush

2010-05-05T08:39:00.002+08:00

Hello. My name is Rachael.

I lack sugar rushes.

I miss going to a candy store for candy.

I miss eating candy in the oddest ways possible.

I miss rolling on the floor and running around and talking more shit than I already do and annoy the shit outta people who love me.

I miss having people to annoy, and they still love my annoying-ness.

Right now, I can't have sugar rushes because there is no candy,

there is no one to annoy,

there is no one who loves me enough to be annoyed by me and laugh at me.

Candy, in an empty room does not create fun.

I will instead,

in my last 4 months of my 18 year old life,

shall hide inside this shell that I already am hiding in.

I shall let the walls get thicker as no one knocks it down.

but I shall not turn 19.

I will be 18 until im 20.

One more year of being 18 would be nice.

Exam's in a couple of hours.

Fucking bitch.

I have to wear long pants now.

tskkkkkkk.

Blue Sunshine

2010-05-02T23:21:00.002+08:00

I'M SO FUCKING BORED, IT'S RETARDED.

LIKE,

I'M ANNOYING EVERYONE AROUND ME.. WHOSE ONLINE, WHOEVER I FEEL LIKE TEXTING. AND IM BLOGGING IN CAPS LOCK FOR NO REASON.

SERIOUSLY, WHO KNEW DOING NOTHING FOR LIKE 2 MONTHS WOULD TURN OUT THIS WAY.

I DON'T FEEL LIKE DOING ANYTHING ANYMORE.

LIKE, I WANT TO DO SOMETHING.

SOMEONE SHOULD FORCE ME TO DO SOMETHING WITH MY LIFE.

COS I WON'T DO ANYTHING.

OMFG. THIS IS SO STUPID.

I DONT FEEL LIKE WATCHING TV ANYMORE.

OR BE ON THE COMPUTER ANYMORE.

OR DOING MATH.

OR ANYTHING.

THERE'S NOTHING.

NOT EVEN READING,

OR DRAWING.

I WANT TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL NOW.

I MISS SCHOOL.

I MISS SHIT LOADS OF CRAP ABOUT SCHOOL.

LIKE GOSSIPING.

AND TALKING NONSTOP.

AND BEING RETARDED, JUMPING ON PEOPLE AND PRETENDING TO BE IN SUPERMARIO OR SOME SHIT LIKE THAT.

OR PEOPLE JUMPING ON ME AND WE'LL RUN AROUND.

I WANT TO BE 12 AGAIN.

THIS FUCKING SUCKS.

IM 18 GOING ON 19 AND I'M THE OLDEST COW ON EARTH.

PEOPLE SHOULDN'T READ THIS SHIT IM POSTING.

LIKE.

I THINK. THIS BLOG IS FULL OF SHIT BECAUSE THE NIGHT FORCES ME TO BE BORED AND LONELY AND STUPID ALL AT THE SAME TIME.

I WISH IT WOULD BE DAY LONGER.

MAN. IMAGINE IF I WERE IN CANADA RIGHT NOW, I WOULD DIE MORE.

COS DAYS ARE SO MUCH SHORTER.

LOL.

OMFG.

I COULD DIE, AT 11:26.

BUT IM NOT.

WHY? BECAUSE IM NOT OUT PARTYING, OR DOING DRUGS, OR SMOKING THE SHIT OUTTA MY LUNGS.

IM HERE. IN MY ROOM, DRAWING COWS THAT LOOK LIKE PIGS,

TEXTING RANDOM PEOPLE.

AND MAKING PLANS FOR FUN.

THIS IS RETARDED.

i shall stop typing in caps lock,

but i really want to scream so bad.

I miss like rolling around in class.

or just being around people.

how boring is it to not see people everyday?

I am so tired just meeting people everyday.

this is why my stamina decreases when my lazyness kicks in.

this.just.fucking.sucks.

i have no idea how people cope with doing nothing.

i can't find a job now.

or anything.

i have so much to do.

but i dont feel like doing anything.

seriously, i dont know what im talking about anymore.

i think im just wasting this post, trying to find a way to get to sleep.

you know what the lesson is?

the lesson of the day is to not sleep throughout the entire day no matter how tired you are.

because you'll end up like me.

bored and lonely when everyone is asleep.

No one's going to stop me now

2010-04-27T09:15:00.002+08:00

I figured, since I have no academic goals or whatsoever right now,

I'll just make a list of what I want to do in the next few years.

So basically, this is what I want to do before I go to Canada.

Pack my room into a box and 2 suitcases,

Tear out my memory boxes again and prolly cry.

Get Tiffy stuff.

Need to get stationary.

Get a bikini and go tanning.

Get something pierced. ;)

Things to do when I go to canada.

Fix my financials.

Get contacts

And clothes.

Find a job.

Make friends.

Learn to drive.

Get a phone.

I REALLY WANT AN IPOD NAO.

(insert ultramegasadfacehere)

Things I want to do in the future.

Stay in China for 2 years.

Visit Vietnam just for Pho.

Maybe make videos again.. this time with someone who knows how to use a video camera properly and stuff like that.

Learn the guitar.

Take astrology, french and greek mythology classes.

Do something that's worth something.

Build myself to a stage where I'm not dependent on anyone.

Eyebrow piercing? :B

I shall continue this another time.

I'm kinda grouchy because people woke me up throughout the night.

I hate it when I'm not in deep sleep and my sister yells in the morning.

Or when my auntie comes in the room to ask me random crap about my life.

I'M SLEEPING, OMFG. :O

I could stab someone in the jugular.

Anyways.

I need to go for my morning run or something.

Which I'm too lazy to go for.

Maybe I'll just work out from here..

and watch greek.

ok. no. PIERCING.

in the next 2 weeks.

I.MUST.EXERCISE.

Exceptions

2010-04-25T00:15:00.002+08:00

I hate the night.

I hate the night especially when it's dark and you're all alone, listening to people sleep, wishing you could to.

I hate the night when I'm all alone thinking about things I'm not suppose to think about, thinking about things that the day wouldn't let me think.

I hate the night because I am completely sad over random things that happen during the course of the day, because there's nobody beside me, because I hug myself to sleep.

I hate the night.

I hate the thinking, the godawful silence, the voices that creep into my head, only at night.

I'm not allowed out at night.

I'm not allowed to be with anyone so late.

I can't wait till nights become the day and I wouldn't feel so alone.

I can't wait till I get outta here.

Living with people I love.

Living with people who care about me.

The only place I know I can have all these is here.

But I don't want to be here.

Yet, I hate feeling the loneliness that comes with this place.

Grief

2010-04-21T12:56:00.002+08:00

It's not good to be morbid when someone passes.

I am odd because I feel the opposite.

It's like an irony.

Maybe because everything is very much surreal now.

Sometimes, you don't know if you should smile, or cry, or text 'haha' back in a text msg because you're suppose to be sad or something like that.

It's not like I don't feel sad or anything.

Like, I do feel sad, but it's just a little more than other emotions.

Maybe I'm not weird for feeling like this because my dad is still singing.

Maybe he's not that affected.

I don't know. This whole situation just feels very weird to me.

I haven't gone through anything like this in like... since I was 7? That's like a whole zodiac cycle.

Well, I have to prepare to go to the wake soon.

I hate to watch people cry and I hate crying in front of people. It's just very .. erm. I just don't like pulling people into things.

I'd rather cry by myself.

Last night, I was at the hospital and I started thinking of like religion and stuff like that and how I would like my death to be like.

shut up. I like thinking of possible situations.

so anyways,

I thought it was nice that everyone was there for her at the last few moments of her life.

Where you could already count down by the hundreds, how many more breaths she'll take.

I find all of this so odd though.

Too odd.

Like I have to wear white and all and mourn for the next few days.

How can you do something without feeling it?

Like I want to feel something at least.

Too odd.

So fucking gorgeous

2010-04-18T18:20:00.003+08:00

You are so gorgeous,

that I can't help but stare.

You are so gorgeous,

that each breath I take, your look just takes it away.

You are so gorgeous,

that the world caves in to your beauty, climbs into your doorways just to admire.

You are so gorgeous,

that you could earn a fortune by taking a penny from people who turn back to look at you.

You are so gorgeous,

that everything you do or touch is worth something.

You're so gorgeous,

that you can't stand the staring.

You're so gorgeous,

that you can't stand the whisperings at the sidelines.

You're so gorgeous,

that you look at yourself in the mirror and be repulsed.

You're so gorgeous,

that every living being inside you wants to come out black and rotten.

You're so gorgeous,

that when people stare, you want to gorge out their eyeballs.

You're so gorgeous,

that you're afraid you'll get raped.

You're so fucking gorgeous,

you want to turn hideous and die.

Can you keep this secret?

2010-04-16T10:49:00.002+08:00

Last night, I dreamt of you, after so long, after I put you at the back of my mind.

Right now, I'm thinking of whatever happened in that dream and I'm kinda getting obssessed.

I can't stop thinking because that's totally what I want to happen to us.

Because I have so many questions for you, so many answers that I can't help but wonder.

I think I thought of you again because my mom reminded me of you.. damnit.

Or maybe because we haven't spoken in over a year and I dreamt about the parts I missed about you. I hate missing you.

I can't help but do that because of my dream.

But if my psychic powers are still working,

it just means that I may see you soon,

or that I may be this close with someone soon.

My powers have not quite recovered yet.

Maybe after more alone time I guess.

You know what sucks right now?

It's that after you, I really don't give a shit anymore about anything.

Anything at all.

I have lost most of my motivation to do anything.

I think my motivation to do something is people.

And I don't really get any motivation from anyone cos everyone I know does nothing anyways.

But all I know is.

I want to see you again.

One day.

but again.

Just have to.

You have broken into a decay

2010-04-14T08:41:00.002+08:00

I would like to say that there is nothing to do with my life at this present moment..

or has it been like this for weeks?

Yes,

I'm too lazy to do anything.

study,

gym,

read,

But I do everything else.

and I'm really bored.

This sounds so awful.

but here's what I want to achieve in the next month or so.

I want to meet almost all my friends & relatives and spend as much time with them as possible.

That's the plan.

And of course, pack my whole life into 2 large suitcases and a box.

My whole life.

Not that I actually own much but still.

My whole life which takes up this corner of my room has to now migrate all the way to canada.

I've been like fucking depressed thinking of this.

It's like, I'm going to die and then start a whole new life again,

where I transition by taking plane rides half way across the world.

I'm trying so hard to be mentally prepared for this.

This is what I want.. yes?

I really can't imagine how it'll turn out.

You know how you usually think of scenarios before you do something you planned?

like a date, where you think of the worst case scenario,

or meet the parents at school,

or random things like how it'll be like to live as someone else for a day,

and things like that?

yeah, I can't imagine living in canada.

I used to be able to.

There's still vague little creative memories in my head.

But I want it to be vivid,

I want to know what I want to do there.

For summer,

for the next one year,

for the next four years.

I know what I'm going to do when school starts.

I just have yet to think of what kinda people I would meet,

my majors,

my job,

learning to drive,

a car,

friends,

the place I'm going to stay at,

not spending holidays back home..

My life in 2 packages.

attention whore

2010-04-09T23:00:00.004+08:00

I'm a very interesting piece of work.

I can never be content with what I have.

Everything won't be enough.

Maybe only you are.

Sometimes I wonder if I didn't take those steps,

you will be my square one.

It has always been you at the back of my mind,

reminding me about my what ifs.

I know I hurt myself along the way.

But it's only to make sure that I'm sure about what I want.

But I can't say it can't I?

I'll freak myself out.

I lived with it since the moment I met you.

Fuck me.

I can't not be critical of everything.

Skins

2010-04-08T23:01:00.002+08:00

Been watching skins the whole day.

i finished the whole season.

and another episode of criminal minds here.

and another episode of criminal minds on telly.

and watched a whole load more crap.

and napped on the sofa, which is one of the bestest things to do

had the nicest shower ever.

and yes.

I am a slob that stays at home,

watch a whole load of crap and pig out.

not really.

I had proper 3 meals.

Too lazy to go to the gym or swimming.

And too lazy to get out and do something.

I'm only in this state cos I'm stagnating again.

Thinking about what I want to do with my life.

Oh yes.

I played the piano today.

I love it.

I love composing random shit that I feel like playing.

I know I can never remember the same tune.

But it feels like some romantic era song.

I love making things up and they sound good.

Skins is a very meh show. like so blah.

like of all the shows I've watched, it's like 2/5 stars.

But I watch anything crap.

Maybe it's cos it's british and I'm not used to the culture and shit,

like they do drugs and punch people and have sex all the damn time which is pretty stupid.

no real dramas/dramas are like super cliche.

and there is no plot, really.

The slopes of the build up is like almost a horizontal line.

Greek is so much better.

Just because the guys are hotter and the girls are cuter and there's some build up there.

Plus cappie.

Cappie.. or should I say really cute boys make everything better.

In skins, like JJ is cute in the geek sorta way. Everyone else is pretty much very blah.

But I think Effy is cool though.

In gossip girl & 90210, there is a good plot and hot people.

One tree hill, James lafferty.

Enough said.

crime shows like dexter and criminal minds is alway good because psycho people always makes things awesome.

That's about it.

I watch too much television.

I think I need to talk to someone about TV to get it all outta my system.

My mom is driving me crazy though.

she's all like, "rachael, what about queensland"

like. I just accepted UBC's offer last night!??!?!

She's really driving me crazy because I'm thinking about it again.

I hate it when people question my decision after I've made it.

It's like, I have to think about it again, and like consider everything.

which annoys me very much.

The thing about me is that I follow whatever my heart tells me.

My head just doesn't work when i'm about to make decisions.

I hate making decisions.

I wish someone would just make them for me already.

I hate thinking about what I want.

But if I do know what I want,

stop bugging me about whether it's the right decision already.

it's so annoying.

I've been thinking about me moving to canada.

and it freaks the shit outta me.

I want to move there so bad,

at the same time,

everyone's here.

everyone's leaving later.

I'm leaving first.

I have to say goodbye to everyone at the same time.

I haven't been away like this before.

I wish there would be someone to help me make this transition easier.

I think I have to meet more people and talk to them.

Conversations really make me feel a lot better because I get new ideas from people.

Man,

I am so scared.

Skittles

2010-04-07T20:07:00.002+08:00

1. If you were to attend a costume party tonight, what or whom would you go as? A Gypsie.

2. What are your choice of toppings on a hamburger? And do you prefer gas or charcoal grilling?

Peacocks and gas.

3. You are chosen to have lunch with the President. The condition is you only get to ask one question. What do you ask?

Who are you?

4. It's your first day of vacation, what are you doing? Sun tannnnn.

5. What is your concession stand must-have at the movies? A drink.

6. Which do you dislike most: Lizards.

7. What do you think Captain Hook's name was before he had a hook for a hand? Captain Crunch.

8. Rock, paper, or scissors? Rock.

9. How long was it from 'the first date' until the proposal of marriage? How long until the wedding?

M&M Rainbow time.

10. Which is worse, being in a place that is too loud, or too quiet? Too quiet. I can't scream

11. What is one quality that you really appreciate in a person? Confidence.

12. At the good old general store, what particular kind of candy would you expect to be in the big jar at the counter? MALTESERS.

13. What is the most distinguishing landmark in your city? A Lion.

14. Everyone hears discussions that they consider boring. What topic can put you to sleep quicker than any other? Anything to do with law or politics.

15. How many times did it take you to pass your drivers test? None.

16. If you had to have the same topping on your vanilla ice cream for the rest of your life, what topping would you choose? Chocolate icecream.

17. What food item would need to be removed from the market altogether in order for you to live a healthier, longer life? Potatoes because french fries are really bad for you.

18. You are offered an envelope that you know contains $50. You are then told that you may either keep it or exchange it for another envelope that may contain $500 or may be empty. Do you keep the first envelope, or do you take your chances with the second? 1/2 x 1/2 = 1/4 Or so I think if I studied probability.

19. If you had to choose, which would you give up: cable TV, or DSL/cable internet? TV because I can totally watch that shit on the internet.

where's #20? In your pants.

21. How much is a gallon of gas in your city? What was the highest it's been? maybe 438729874932 zimbabwe dollars.

22. What kind of lunch box did you have as a kid? I have no idea.

23. What would you rather have, a nanny, a housekeeper, a cook, or a chauffeur? Chauffeur!

24. Would you rather be trapped in an elevator, or stuck in traffic? stuck in traffic.

25. Lets say a brick fell on your foot, and your kid is standing right next to you, what is your 'cleaned up' swear word? Unicorn blood.

I'm in a crappy mood today. gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. X)

unicorn blood

2010-04-06T21:58:00.002+08:00

Let's start it off with, are you available? somewhat.

Are there any stressful situations in your life? yes. moving to canada.

Do you enjoy late night phone conversations? yes. but the reception at my place sucks so I can't have those.

Do you have any pet fish? nope.

Do you go to the bathroom with the door open or closed? closed.

Do you dance in the car? sometimes.

Is there someone you don't ever want to be out of your life? yes.

Where did you get your last bruise from? i can't remember my bruise.

Have you ever thought you were gonna die? yes.

How do you feel about girls smoking? whatever. like, there's no gender inequality dude.

Do you get along more with girls or guys? guys and guy-ish girls.

What are you currently hearing right now? nothing.

Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you? yes.

What brand of digital camera do you have? like.. my phone camera.. LG i think.

Would you rather marry a football player or a basketball player? basketball but we all know I prefer musicians.

Is there a reason for your MySpace song? don't have one.

When was the last time you saw your dad? a couple minutes ago.

Do you drink soda? nope!

Anyone crushing on you? hmmm.

Has anyone ever sang to you? yes.

Has anyone ever given you roses? yes.. i think

How do you make your money? i used to have a job.

First person to text you today? christine.

What is your favorite color? black.

What color are your eyes? brown.

Whens your next vacation? hopefully, the US.

What are you looking forward to? exams to be over.

What would your last name be if you married the last person you texted? rachael chow.

Do you worry your ex will move on & be happier with another person? whatever dude, like, I think he already did that.

Do people tend to walk all over you? no.

Are you really happy or are you just saying that? not happy at the moment. happiness can only last for so long. after that happy moment, it's like depressing till you find another thing that makes you happy.

If you were kicked out of your current residence whom would you call? anyone who would take me in.

Do you think relationships are hard? buiding and maintaining them's hard.

Whens the next time you'll see your closest friend? tmr!

What was the last reason that you cried? i think it was cos I miss someone but I'm still here. it's just retarded how I cry so randomly.

Does it take a lot to make you cry? really depends.

You have siblings over the age of 21? nope!

What is your favorite kind of weather? autumn.

Are you happy with your life? fairly satisfied.

Who did you last hug? i think it was vrinda.

Are you a loud person? depends on my mood and the situation.

Would you trade lives with a famous person? really depends how famous they are.

Are you wearing any jewelry? no.

Do you have a hard time admitting you're wrong? no.

Do you think you have made a difference in anyone's life? i think maybe.

What should you be doing right now? taking a shower or reading.

When was the last time you slept on the floor? i can't remember.

Has anybody ever given you butterflies? for sure.

Will you have a valentine this year? I did. stephhhhh. (:

Where is your favorite place to be? right here in my chair.

sometimes

2010-04-05T23:43:00.002+08:00

Sometimes, you look at a photo and you realise how much of that moment is captured.

I miss everything that I used to feel.

I'm older now,

not wiser yet.

But I wish I could allow myself to feel whatever I want.

But sometimes, circumstances never allows that.

I get obsessed with something new.

But I never forget the old.

ugh. I hate waiting around.

I'm sorry it's been so many posts.

no, wait.

i'm not sorry for that.

I do whatever I want.

but still,

i have a lot on my mind while waiting for my hair to dry.

Special needs

2010-04-05T21:11:00.002+08:00

I want to be good at something.

and today, i thought about it.

and i thought, hey.

I WANT TO BE ABLE TO DRAW THE MAP OF THE WORLD PERFECTLY.

I shall be a slob for the next few days

and practice drawing the map of the world.

It'll be pretty sweet if I could do that.

I am going to live in my room for the next 2 days or so.

to study, watch crap online, movies i havent watched in my hard drive, read, write (if my writer's block is gone), do more math, and play a whole ton of solitaire until someone calls me out or I'm sick of doing nothing.

today, i met so many people i havent seen in ages.

practically jumped on esther.

and like screamed.

man, I miss her so damn much.

I haven't seen her in 3 months.

can you believe that?

like we're in the same country,

and I don't see her.

and I had the longest conversations today.

I love just sipping coffee and talking.

it's so relaxing.

If only i don't need to study.

So I've decided to stay back one more month.

cos like, I haven't seen so many people

and they're leaving in september.

so I'll make use of this time for conversations and meet ups.

It'll be awesome.

I love talking about anything to people.

I'm such a lazy ass bitch though.

and I'm so damn tired.

I can't stay awake for more than 12 hours.

and I like writing so much about my life on the internet,

it's retarded.

like, I have so many outlets of writing whatever I feel like.

like twitter, facebook, blog, another blog.

but I feel that that's not enough.

Like, I need more outlets to write crap that I feel like writing.

Anyways,

talking to people today,

I have a question.

Should I make another stupid ass video?

Hmmm.

maybe I should compose something for once.

fucking writer's block.

i am so pleased

2010-04-05T10:34:00.003+08:00

heheheheheheehhehehehehehe.

im sorry.

i cant stop giggling.

2010 has been a good year.

like, the UBC admission,

the QUT admission,

the awesome friends I've got,

the new people I've met,

and the cherry on top of this beautiful whip cream and icecream mix i have.

I got a merit for piano.

Yes that's right,

that really awesome miracle.

I know my grades suck,

I have an exam coming,

and I'm moving to another country real soon.

but so far,

this happiness strike just keeps on coming.

it's not that moving to canada is a bad thing.

just that I'll miss so many people, by going there.

oh oh, the cure's on tvvvvvv. :D

that totally adds to the list.

I can't describe how freaking amazing this feels.

like everything is in it's place.

I know I have been depressed like the first part of this year.

but I think the only way you're going when you're down is up.

but im a happy person despite the fact that I can't fucking eat anything.

which pisses me off.

but it's cool.

i can lose weight like that.

or so I hope.

i sound like a loser happy person.

but I don't care.

i love how it is now.

cos you know,

when all else fails in life,

there is greek and the joy of watching cappie in the most random costumes.

:DDDDDDD

alright. lunch with people I haven't seen since graduation.

blasé

2010-04-02T22:27:00.002+08:00

I'm sorry I haven't been blogging much these days.

I've been trying to figure out where I want to go for university.

I got accepted to UBC and QUT.

Which is totally awesome because these are the two schools I want to go to.

But hmmm. canada or australia?

oh man.. this is an easy one.

CANADA.

there. I spelt it out for you.

Why?

Because I have this weird homely feeling with canada.

I love that place too much.

Somehow, I feel that I belong there.

These are the feelings now.

I hope they don't change.

My week has been filled with going out with people.

it's a good week.

but I'm sooooooooo tired.

I love the many conversations I had this week with people.

But like, there's too much alcohol in my system.

It's not good.. at all.

I'm hungry all the time.

Tmr's bbq day.

and I've been marinating chickens the whole night.

and I am so drained out doing that.

waking up at 0730 tmr just to get stingrays.

I think i'm a very lousy food planner.

I can never tell how much food is enough.

I think I bought too much?

well, not really.

I AM SO TIRED.

OK.

bath, and then sleep.

I smell like garlic.

ackkkkkkkkkkkk.

really long day tmr.

The end of this

2010-03-28T22:44:00.001+08:00

failure

2010-03-28T01:00:00.002+08:00

“It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all – in which case, you fail by default.”

—	J.K. Rowling

I love to fail.

Only because I love the emotions you get behind it.

Only because I love climbing back up again.

I love to fall and get back up.

Because not being able to fail just fails the meaning of life.

To be cautious and not fall is not a preventative measure.

It's just something you tell yourself to be prepared to fall.

In other words, it's an I told you so.

But to climb back up is to test your strength.

No, I'm not asking you to fall all the time,

but when you try something new,

Risk it all.

Just so you can learn.

Start out big,

Just so you won't make the same mistakes.

Who said the lightbulb was invented without failing.

Or electricity was discovered without killing.

Falling is a step to get back up.

Don't be afraid to fall just because you're afraid of climbing back up.

Dream come true bitches

2010-03-27T23:32:00.002+08:00

HEY BITCHES.

I GOT INTO UBC.

LOOK AT THAT FACE.

THAT'S THE FACE I'LL BE MAKING WHENEVER I'M HAPPY.

NOT.

HEEEEEEEEEEEE.

I AM A HAPPY DUCK.

Standing in the fire

2010-03-26T00:24:00.002+08:00

hold fucking shit, what is my problem. Maybe it's cos I had too little food and too much pocky that's why why I'm in this state but what the hell, am I like wrong to freak out about the littlest things like this. I mean, what is wrong with me, like maybe this is the way you think i would react to notice random shit. but OMFG. why am I acting this way. This is too gay and this is too erm, non-idontgiveashit-ish. i should sleep it off or something. maybe it's the random comment you said. holy shit. what the fuck man. I am losing it. milk does not cure hunger. it only cures like.. nothing. my mouth smells like cow now.

I had an awesome day, minus the whatthefuck night. Like, I met Steph, went to eat awesome awesome mexican food. I love mexican food. I would love anyone who could make me awesome chimichangas. It's one of the most awesome food available to mankind. Too bad I don't have pictures of going out maybe cos I'm not a cam whore or anything along that lines. hahaha. (officially losing it at this point) then we went to get my pay. and then we went to buy movie tix for whip it and then we went to pokey and drink coffee. and then we went to watch a movie, which was totally awesome. whip it is so... agressive. I love female aggressiveness. I had the most awesome conversations with steph today. I think we agreed on being more aggressive, because aggressiveness is cool. Nawh, I'm just messin'. but like I intend to take up an aggressive sport because I think anger releasing has to come out in some form of physical exercise. I mean, punching the crap outta something. I think kick boxing should do the trick. not that I'll ever exercise for anything. I think that roller skating shit she does is mega cool, like u just get to hit people all the time. and they're so aggressive it's so cool. like they don't give a shit that they hurt or anything. band shirts, piercings and like, more sex bands are going to be on me now. love that kinda shit. I don't even know why.

I really need to work out. But I need to find the motivation to because I feel like slumping in my room. I currently feel like shooting myself in the head for being such a mega slutfacewhoremonster. but then I'll prolly get up feel like writing some shit about how I feel, get a call to go out, or not. but i'll prolly watch greek or like read or something. If no one's at home, I'll like play the piano and make up some tune for my tuneless lyrics. If I go out, I want to pokey again and get sex bands and band tees or something. But hey. My days are so unplanned, it's actually nice. I love unplanned shit. Then have to finish up some conversation with some person. and then like, prolly watch a whole ton of television and get to slp.

Not eating sounds like a good plan nowadays. I hardly ever eat now. If i do, it has to be something good, like sushi.. mmmmm. sushi. or mexican. MmmMmm. mexican. or mom's cooking. which beats all the other shit there is to eat. I hate burgers and fries and pizza kinda thing. those just suck. like, it's all oil and meat and oiled bread. anything with rice is good. ok. I should stop talking about food. I'm already freaking ass hungry and I'm going to sleep if off soon.

I am so into musicians. It's like, after placebo, and whip it, it's like. OMFG. MUSICIANS. I totally dig guys with awesome music tastes. And my friends too. Like, Steph, we can talk about music for so long. which is pretty much awesome because that's like one of the most important part of me. I love what I listen to and I like it when people can share what I like.

Maybe I'm on a smoke and caffeine high now,that's why most of this post does not make any sense. But hey. I will figure things out tmr. I shall like, talk to people and then call it a night.

and brush my teeth cos it smells like cow.

that is bad.

The world gets to us

2010-03-23T22:05:00.002+08:00

You know how they say, how you never really forget and you never really stop hurting. Watching shutter island today (How odd but yes, when they started talking about the brain, i started thinking) I realise how your brain just covers up your pain by making up something pleasant to make up for the pain. And I was also thinking about the other thing that I heard today, "you only believe compliments.", from FRIENDS.

Then I thought about all those people I've loved in my life, like if I really loved them. And I think, at some point, I do, but not now. It's like, my brain just tells me I don't because I don't want to remember the bad things. I would try to remember the good things that happened but then it'll lead me to think about the bad things and I don't want to be reminded of the bad things so I stop thinking of it completely, not forgetting, just not trying to remember those things so that I won't hurt again. Heartbreaks are the worst kinda pain there is. It's like stabbing yourself repeatedly in one spot over a period of time, and crying cos it hurts. Sometimes, you drop needles in that wound, rub salt into it, scratch it, tear the whole wound up again. But eventually, you get hung up on something else you remember the wound, and when you do remember the wound, you pick on it to see if it still hurts. It'll always hurt, but not as bad as the first time you stabbed yourself repeatedly. Thank god it only happened like twice in my life. Stabbing yourself repeatedly around the same spot doesn't hurt as bad anymore. But I don't think that's a good thing. I would rather feel the knife slide in and out of the skin than to feel nothing at all. Not being sadistic or anything but I would like the full experience. If it's not a full experience, I wouldn't want it.

This is why I don't understand why people get so many boyfs. Even when they're not goodlooking or have an ultra cool personality. It's like, you don't get real heartbreaks, you don't fall in love, you don't fight and feel anything. It's like you don't need to feel anymore, which totally defeats the purpose of actually having a love life and shit like that. Personally, I would rather feel everything, like the overwhelming feeling when you're going to meet someone who you think is right for you and get that crazy butterflies in your stomach for the entire day, even when you're with him, or that crazy mothereffing pain that your heart literally feels and you choke up so bad and cry for the entire night than to feel like, oh, i met this person, he is cute. erm. yeah. we got together, oh wait, now we broke up. like, how do you feel? erm. i'm alright i guess. no big deal.

It's only fun when it happens occasionally, something big like that happens to your life. I don't get how people do things to regularly, getting a boyf is like a weekly/monthly affair. I think you girls should get a hold of yourselves and think about it, I know we're young and shit like that but hey, like, there's more to life than getting a boyfriend. Maybe I'm just jealous you do get one a week or some shit like that.. but nawh. i'm cool with just fantasizing, watching greek and everything. I just don't get the point.

What I'm going to do with my life, you may ask is that I'm going to play around with my feelings and write some awesome music. I am only inspired when I get played by people and start writing about how I feel. I hate it when I'm like having writer's block or totally falling in love and writing some cliche nonsense crap. The best kinda music is songs about heartbreaks because that's when feelings are raw and you are like totally freaked out and scared. I love the raw, natural human feeling. I like looking at people and studying how they're like, like I realise that sometimes, when people are sad over the dumbest situations, they are really freaking ass sad but even though your comforting words are like the gayest most cliche things ever said to man, they want to hear it, because they'll feel better. Always tell people the most positive things to comfort them, but after awhile, they would have to embrace reality and so you have to hint to them what the reality of the situation first, but first, stop them from crying so they can go to the next phase, the I HATE YOU AND I DON'T WANT TO GIVE A SHIT phase.

That's what I learnt last week.

I shall just take the week to relax, read like at least one of the 10 books I've bought but not read yet, watch greek, erm. not lose weight cos I'm too fat and lazy to. and write crap, pick up the guitar and like learn some chords, compose some shit on the piano, scribble a bit, do some math, draw, think about money, draw on myself, meet up with a couple of people to have conversations with. I really do enjoy conversations nowadays, like taking about the future and like random things about people I know, like understand why people do certain things, get gossip, which is a very essential part of my life. But for some reason, gossip just makes me feel bad for people because gossip isn't really gossip when it involves something bad that happened to a person, it's like just, "OMFG. I FEEL SO BAD FOR THIS PERSON". kinda thing.

Anyways, Greek and Looking for alaska for like the next few days and nights. I have to stop like snacking. It's bad cos I'm being called chubby. Whatevs. I'm huggable.

tskkkkkkkkkkkkkkk.

Hello society

2010-03-21T23:53:00.002+08:00

Got my parents real pissed off today,

I think it's cos I'm taking out on them cos I'm so frustrated at myself.

You know this transition time,

where you have absolutely, almost no idea what you want to do with your life,

it's like too short to start something big,

and very undecisive,

I mean, I don't even know which university wants me yet.

I'm so frustrated because I have no direction and I'm really tired.

The week's activities were killer,

like my piano exam,

which I'm damn scared I'm going to fail.

I don't want to practice ever again,

but ugh, whatever, if I don't pass.

And then acting,

which was tiring as hell,

but I loved almost every second of it.

It was so fulfilling and everything,

like, I know that's something I want to do and I'm happy doing.

I love performing for some reason.

Like I miss having a band and I miss being on stage where people are like watching you.

I miss that feeling, like when people are dancing to your music.

I think that's one of the most awesome feelings I've ever experienced.

I just want to rock out again,

like on stage.

Being a fan is also awesome.

PLACEBO WAS AMAZING.

Lead singer, Brian Molko.

Awesome.

Drummer with tattoos,

fucking awesome.

Loved every second of rocking out and being pissed at crazy ass bitch fans that jumps their ass off and keeps pushing me.

I'll push you back you motherfucking bitch.

So I've been thinking,

how I have to make more friends in this island since most of my other friends are leaving for everywhere.

Like, school is starting.

And I really want to start schooling again.

I know, it's like WTF right?

but really,

I miss being around people all the time.

People who piss me off, but at the same time, going through what I'm going through.

And like, people I can talk to randomly.

I would appreciate the freedom right about now.

I bet I'll go crazy at home soon.

Videos aren't working too good.

I'm going to start doing something different.

Like comedy and shit like that.

If I can do it.

They say I'm boring talking about shit.

I should just talk about like, nonsense that I want to say to people everyday on camera.

I miss talking shit to people everyday.

Like making up nonsense just to piss people off.

I'm going to lose the 'omfg rachael, what the fuck are you doing'

soon.

If I don't meet people, and like talk.

I need loads of conversations now.

I think I've had enough talking to army people,

I'm kinda bored talking about boys being all tough.

Makes me feel all unfit and fat and stuff.

Whatever dude.

I'm going to like, work out...

Wait.

That's not going to happen.

hahaahahhaahhahahahahahaha.

I think fat/chubby people are awesome.

We are funnier and more open to people.

I really like fat/chubby people with self esteem.

But I hate cocky people.

Like, just people who loves themselves for who they are.

Freaking hell.

I need those people to motivate me to be like them.

I can't stand being all 'omfg, i'm so fucking fat' everyday.

Man,

I think I need more self confidence.

I hate it when people bring me down,

and I have to keep pulling myself up.

Like, quit bugging me already.

Time, time.

What am I going to do with you?

I need someone to lean on for now.

It's so tough when you lose that.

crapback

2010-03-14T22:01:00.002+08:00

I feel so nonchalant.

exam was like, nothing.

like I didn't feel anything.

Felt really scared this morning

then, nothing.

I was like in the exam room and had only half a brain telling me what to do.

It's funny how I function.

I don't know how it happens,

but I somehow screwed up a bit.

meh.

bitch exam.

I love friends so much,

and I love green tea icecream.

I love the rain and it's coolness.

I hate that I have no idea what to do with my life from next week onwards.

I want something to look forward to every single day.

I want to do something great with my nonsense I create.

And I want to share moments with people I care about,

which are getting fewer and fewer as the days go by.

I miss so many people.

Like I haven't seen anyone in ages.

I need to make a video again soon.

Make it good and sell it out.

Slob

2010-03-14T00:46:00.002+08:00

I am currently freezing my ass off, blogging.

Cos even though you had the hottest shower in the world,

airconditioning + fan blowing + water that evaporates from your skin at the same time

just means you're gonna freezeeeee.

But i like it.

I like to know how it feels to pretend you're in a different climate and like experience the same feeling.

But like you can control your current climate.

Anyways,

I just want to say,

VERTIGO IS BACK.

so is migraine.

which mean, I HAVE TO START TAKING MEDS AGAIN.

this is horrible.

I SHOULD STOP SITTING ON SWIVEL CHAIRS.

like.

I do such random shit that makes my fishbowl of a head, or so steph calls it, spin.

I don't think I should like do anything crazy for a while.

Cant go clubbing, drinking and all that nonsense.

I shall stay at home, rethink what I'm going to do,

and like chris says, be an angel.

lawl.

right.

I'm just going to start all my artsy nonsense again.

I need to work on my drawing.

Cos it sucks so bad,

ok, not really. My painting sucks more.

You can see that in my previous posts.

So if you ask how my week is,

I'm just going to say, it was tiring,

not enjoyable and very mundane.

but of course monday started out interesting when I met the rest of the cast.

then tuesday and wednesday was work,

where the only interesting and fun part was me standing behind the counter, scooping up leftover milkshakes from the blender, and make drinks.

That's the only thing I miss from work.

Oh yes, and sanitising the tables and wiping the doors.

I love wiping the glass doors.

I like it when things are clean and orderly.

I really dont understand why I can do that in the restaurant and not my room.

Next week is so exciting.

First, piano life comes to an end on Monday.

That is tmr.

Wish me luck.

I suck,

but then again, I'M ALMOST DONE.

You know the weirdest thing about my parent's like they only care if I do well for my music, other than that its like, whatever dude, whatever u feel like.

I know they're like omfg, why are your results so bad,

and really, after that, they dont really care.

It's like so weird.

Like Music is more important than like school work in this place.

It's quite awesome.

I hate working for things anyways.

I prefer doing things that interest me.

And no one forces me to do.

Like playing nonsense on the piano,

like composing my own little tune, and there's no one to disturb me.

Or like creative writing assignments.

I love creative writing so much.

I don't think I'm that good at it,

But used to having your compositions read out in class meant something.

I like it when people read what I have to say,

like stuff that actually means something.

If there was a cause I stand for,

it'll be for girls to have a higher self esteem,

like stop obsessing over weight and shit like that, and like boys and all that nonsense.

like you're good the way you are.

unless you're a slut.

then it's not cool.

you know for some reason,

people i meet/find/stalk in my life like changes me for some reason.

I kinda like that.

I'm at this phase now,

where I want to be a better person,

like do the right thing, and like don't be so crazy and shit like that.

Cos being all like slutty and shit is not cool, and like I watched these girls on the maury show,

and they're like so screwed up.

although the irony is that im playing a slut but whatever man,

it's just acting.

I really dont want to be like that.

I'll still be cool, by not being such a bitch.

Speaking of acting,

I'm filming my first major role next week

for like 4 days straight.

I bet it's going to be tiring

but it'll be awesome.

Something I love to do since I was 4.

I watch too much tv.

I know I wanted to be on Barney when I was a kid.

I thought it was such a great show.

then after that, when I was like 18,

fucking barney girl spoilt my childhood dream by like carrying a whip and singing in american idol

like wtfffffffff.

But I think the best part about shows is the script.

The story has to be good,

and not gay at all, or cliche.

That is why I want to be a script writer.

I would like to be a comedy show writer.

I thought friends was mega amazing.

the jokes were too awesome.

Man,

I could kill to be anything close to those writers.

I've been playing the piano constantly the whole day,

and watching law and order: svu and CSI NY in between,

but what the hell

I hate it so much.

I hate the aural thing too much.

it's the worst.

I can't sing,

or like tell the cadences

OMFG. I WANT TO SHOOT THE PERSON WHO INVENTED CADENCES.

wtf is your problem?

trying to make someone's life so difficult.

freaking hell.

I hate it so much.

I shall wait for my hair to dry,

while watching greek.

I BET IT'LL BE AWESOME.

Cos it's sororities and shit like that.

man,

I would want to live in america after watching that.

that would not be good.

meh.

2010-03-12T10:19:00.002+08:00

YOU'D NEVER GUESS WHO'D WANT ME ALIVE.

oh hi.

That was random.

tskkkk.

Anyways,

I just wanted to say,

I'm not going to rest/have good sleep till next saturday.

I am lined up with a lot of things next week

It's gonna be awesome.

Can't wait to film.

Never done a role quite as big as this.

After next week,

Another video would come out again.

I promise.

Shall get back to my final days of playing the piano.

just in case you didn't know

2010-03-10T00:15:00.002+08:00

Just in case you didn't know,

I asked you to stay.

Just in case you didn't know,

You're not the one for me.

Just in case you didn't know,

I find that thrill in talking to you.

Just in case you didn't know,

I am going to hang around until I figure you out.

Just in case you didnt know,

I want you to stay in my life, forever.

Just in case you didn't know,

I would like to get to know you.

Just in case you didn't know,

I'm crazy, thinking about you all the time now.

Just in case you didn't know,

I miss you.

Just in case you didn't know,

I'm still finding someone new.

Just in case you didn't know,

I'M FUCKING HUNGRY.

Blog me

2010-03-08T12:58:00.002+08:00

Blogging.

The only thing that has been constant for me since I discovered it.

That's like 7 years of my life.

3 years - the start, was too gay to read.

I kept this blog constant for 4 years of my life.

That's the longest I've ever done anything constantly and enjoyed it.

i drew my face on the sheets

2010-03-07T23:19:00.003+08:00

I've been watching life of Ryan and it has so much guy drama in it,

I was like, man, guys really do that? Fight and all over friendship?

Well, I guess I still have so much more to figure out.

I've been watching the Maury show and I was watching this 15 year old girl trying to get pregnant and I was all like, damnnnnn. what is the world coming to? And like she has sex so much more than I think i would ever have in two of my lifetimes. That's not even badass. That's just gross.

But I was thinking about the reasons why I'm not like that, and I figured it's cos even though I may come out as wild and crazy, I always have someone to keep me under control and I like that. I like that my friends are always like watching out for me and I really appreciate what they do for me. I know that sometimes, I need to be taken care of and stuff and I'm glad there is always someone there for me.

But on the side note, I feel like clubbing again for some reason.

Anyways, I've got my Placebo tix so night of fun is coming up soon.

I'm still thinking about celebrating my half birthday though.

It sounds so stupid.

But I want my birthday to be a day where everyone I love is there for me.

The most horrible birthday was a couple of years back where I didn't have much friends.

I felt like crying so bad, because I always had a whole group of them from everywhere.

I'm building that again now because some people left.

Imagine starting school again this year, and like I can't really celebrate it with anyone.

People that I'm really close to and known for years won't be there.

which would really really suck.

So I'm thinking about it.

So I have piano exam and filming and placebo concert coming up,

also ladies night with my newfound clique, or so I hope.

An internet conference thing to give me an idea to how I can start my business

and like, study days with the same people.

I need like drinking days and doing nothing days where I stay home and watch greek and all my shows that I'm missing out on.

omggg. greek. I can't wait for chris to give me the seasons.

SCOTT MICHAEL FOSTER :B

But soon.

I just realised today that I actually quit my job.

like for real rachael.

Like, that sucks.

Now I have no idea what I'm going to do.

I have to get inspiration soon.

Cos right now, my head is cluttered with nothing but obsession and migraine.

Can't wait for my piano exam to be over.

That day would be the day I've been waiting for, my entire life.

my parents would stop obsessing about my music for once in my life.

FINALLY.

breaking out of that hideous, hideous cycle.

I shall move on and compose my nonsense soon.

And learn the violin.

I should sleep and forget.

I've been lacking that for a long time.

When you think life is going down hill, it goes up hill again

2010-03-01T20:03:00.002+08:00

Dilemma guys.

like, I found the perfect university course,

that I'd most probably get into.

It is really really awesome.

Business

Arts

Music

How awesome is that shit, really?

Like EVERYTHING i want to do with my life.

Entrepreneurship with CREATIVE AND PROFESSIONAL WRITING (omfg this one is like my life) and Music and Advertising.

And music isn't like classical shit, it's like freaking digital technology kinda thing, like DJ-ing and shit.

HOW FREAKING AWESOME IS THAT.

everything.

like I'm going to hunt canada for that course.

If they don't have it, I'll settle for the beaches,

which is not that bad actually.

I have too much sunshine clothes to put to good use.

but my video business.. me wanting to meet really awesome canadian youtubers.. like that has to be gone if like I don't go to canada. and USA is not an option for my holidays to visit my cousin.

So US parties are outta the question which really sucks and US is an awesome shopping place.

(omfg. What am I turning into? Feel like some party whore saying this)

I really love love love canada,

but like. I can live there when I'm older and get my PR and like have a family there or some shit like that. I think this country is too small to make me rich in whatever I want to do in the future.

So.. Australia.. really? Like the country I soooo hate.

hm.

Di-fucking-lemma.

Need to talk to more people and clear my head on this.

switching countries so quickly just freaks me out.

oh yes, I'll start filming soon.

and I'm going to film with some other people too which is really quite awesome.

I miss acting so so much, ever since like 2008.

I want to make a movie.

But first, I shall write it.

I have such a huge idea.

I think it's really awesome.

so yes, don't ask.

I don't like people knowing my business.

Cos I hate people judging.

It just like spoils it all..

burst my bubble that I love living in.

omfg, creative writing.

Something I want to do forever.

write about everything.

I WANT TO GO PEOPLE WATCHING.

WHO WANTS TO GO WITH ME?

and tanning.

Mannn. my friend said that I'm so fair now.

SUCKS.

abs abs abs! I need those.

And I realise I like weird people.

I really love weird people.

And people who do very stupid things with me.

Like stalk cute boys at the mall and realise that they're not that cute,

or like looking at some lesbian cos she looks just like that lesbian from a porno.

Just people who are so weirdddddly cool.

and no, not those drunk people who utters nonsense at the side of the road.

cos those are just.. people with no sense of whats going on, and that's not cool.

Went out with christine today,

we laughed like idiots,

talking so much nonsense.

I miss tessa cos I can talk nonsense to her and she gets so pissed off in a very funny way.

Maybe I'll move to aussieland just to do that.

Unusual Uncertainty

2010-02-28T21:55:00.003+08:00

Today, I sat in the car thinking about me leaving this place,

thinking about what im going to do about my life in the next few weeks,

thinking about what I want, people, how my life would be like if it were a movie..

then it hit me.

I'm going to start a new life soon.

It's like dying and then reviving again, in a different form.

I think I 'died' like 3 times in my life.

First, when I was a kid.

Maybe about 4.

I remembered lying down feeling so real.

You know, that feeling where you absorb your surroundings so completely

and then you head back to your life being like a complete dream again,

where everything feels so surreal.

There's only so many times in your life where everything feels real.

Those are the only times you feel alive.

That was my earliest experience.

Second, when I left primary school.

That felt like a lifetime ago,

only because my environment was completely different.

People spoke english in primary school and in Secondary school, people just spoke chinese all the time which kinda pissed me off.

The third time I died was when I broke up with the guy I thought I loved.

which was like my first super major heartbreak.

I lost like, a lot.

Like a lot of friends that I really do regret not being close to anymore because I think they're awesome but now it's just awkward.

My friend circle completely changed then.

My perspectives of certain things changed.

I had nothing to hold me up,

nothing to tear me down either.

Completely horrible, but I survived.

Now, it's preparation for the forth death.

Why I call it death is because everything you did felt like a lifetime ago.

Now, I'm about to start in a totally new environment,

leave the closest people in my life,

leave my family,

leave everything I ever owned and lived on.

and start anew..

which I really don't know how I'm going to.

Never moved for about 10 years.

I know the last time I did,

it was just moving house,

and I cried.

I was younger then.

and I lived in that house for 3 years or so.

I've lived in this for 10.

I lived in this country for 18 years.

Somehow along the way,

my perspectives changed again.

I don't know what I'm going to do with my life.

I really really need someone to guide me along.

It's really freaking ass scary cos I've never gotten so much uncertainty in my life,

and thinking about moving and all that shit every single day scares the shit out of me.

I can hardly sleep or eat nowadays.

I try to enjoy myself doing stupid random things but the feeling's like someone who can't kill themselves because they're immortal -

Trying to feel satisfaction but can't.

Someone please tell me how I should live.

I really can't go on with this uncertainty shit.

It just stresses me out so bad.

And, ugh, I need someone right now.

Loss

2010-02-27T12:21:00.003+08:00

Hello you. I don't know how it happened but I found out why I was going to be fall for you since the moment I met you. Today, I found the reason why I fell for you, just in a photograph. I suddenly just burst into tears because I remembered I am leaving soon and I won't see you for a very long time. I haven't been away from you for long since the moment we met. It's been years. I don't want to stop keeping how I feel in the inside, because I can.

Frustrationaly bored.

2010-02-25T21:49:00.005+08:00

I drew this fucking ugly picture today, cos I felt like it.

and this is called spider coffee.

I am very frustrated right now.

I have to get tmr over with, which makes me very frustrated.

And also, I'm so bored with my life, I'm thinking too much,

and sprouting bullshit all over the place.

I should stop like thinking for awhile.

I need to stop talking about my life in the weirdest angles possible.

But I can't help but obsess about everything that I want to happen.

Can't wait to fucking quit my job.

like.

wtf.

I don't want to work anymore.

I will self-employ.

Because I can.

And because my dad says so.

I would like to say this to one person because fuck you isn't enough.

Sorry. Need to get this off my chest.

Massive rant:

MY DADDY IS MORE FAMOUS AND RICHER THAN YOURS SO SHUT THE FUCK UP AND STOP THINKING IM STUPID COS IM NOT AND YOU ARE THE STUPID DAMN ONE. OMFG. JUST BECAUSE I FAILED AT SOMETHING, DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING. YOU'RE NOT SMART ENOUGH TO STUDY WHAT I STUDY. I WOULD LIKE TO SCREAM AT YOU EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE OLDER THAN ME. BUT WHAT THE FUCK. TYPING SOUNDS LIKE A BETTER PLAN BECAUSE I CAN TYPE FASTER THAN YOU CAN THINK. AND YOU KNOW WHAT, I PLAY THE FUCKING PIANO AND YOU FUCKING CAN'T. SO WHAT IF YOU'RE OLDER, DOESN'T MEAN YOU'RE SMARTER BECAUSE I AM BETTER THAN YOU IN SPEAKING AND WRITING ENGLISH, AND I KNOW THAT GLASS IS MADE OF FUCKING SAND. WATCH ME GET FAMOUS, AND WHEN I DO, I WOULD GO, IN YOUR FUCKING FACE, BITCH. THAT'S MY COME BACK. TO BE MORE SUCCESSFUL THAN YOU WHEN I'M YOUNGER THAN YOU. I DON'T LIKE DEALING WITH YOUR SHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE A LAZY ASS MOFO CLEANING UP PEOPLE'S SHIT.

Help me, I'm alive

2010-02-25T11:19:00.003+08:00

omfg, you wouldn't believe my week.

It was crazy sucks.

Why?

Because work sucks so bad.

Cos I'm pissed off at people there.

But I won't go into details here.

I'll just go for a major bitch fest with people.

Speaking of people,

I'm going to meet people that I haven't seen since graduation.

Catching up would be soooo good.

Man, I'm so tired.

I can't wait for this week to be OVER!

I really want to watch valentine's day and dear john.

I'm going to start my business soon.

balllllssssssssss.

I'm going to get smashed up this weekend.

Cos we only live to die

2010-02-21T21:22:00.002+08:00

I met this person who drives me insane.

But who I am very sane around.

This is fun.

These few days felt like last week.

I am bored to bits,

but I went to the beach today,

even though I wanted to go yesterday.

I love the beach.

I love how I had a cup of coffee today,

alone.

Wrote a bit of my script for my upcoming video.

It's a series actually, called ICSTS (I can't stand that shit)

it'll be up soon. (:

I love being alone, listening to the ocean,

and I love steps because she keeps quiet all the time and we can be together and not talk but it wouldn't be awkward.

And we'll do everything stupid, and talk about nonsense.

Bestest person to hang out with, ever.

First person I ever fought with also, but it's cool. lol.

I love today, the rain, and the sand in between my toes.

And I was free, relaxing and walking into the waters.

Man, I really love the beach, like LOVE that place.

I want to go back everyday if I could,

just taking walks there.

I don't know how I appreciate that so much,

maybe its because everyday I think about leaving this place and I feel so sad,

and I start to appreciate everything in this island and a little beyond even though it's so crappy.

If anything, I would like to take time off from work,

study, go to the beach, get coffee and write, compose my little tunes on the piano, start playing the violin again, learn the guitar, dress up to go out only to walk around aimlessly, hang out with my friends, make loads of videos, draw, learn different languages, paint.. just doing things I feel like doing and having the money to, too. lol. That's the tough part.

I love doing random crap like these, i love exploring art for some reason, but I'm not going to study it.

I was thinking of what I want to do in university, and the thing that appeals most to me is creative writing. God, like my parents would let me take that course. There's so much to learn, I hate it when I say I don't have enough time because I spend most of it here or watching TV. I love television, and I get a lot of inspiration from it, but it's so bad for me. I could just sit there for like a million hours. hah. I have no idea why I'm ranting, maybe it's cos I'm thinking too much nowadays. i like that.

I am so curious about army. i think I'm like satisfying my tomboyish-ness (whatever u call it) because I wanted to join it when I was like 9. I wanted to join NCC in secondary school and I told my parents I would join the malaysian army if they picked me.. which they didn't. hah. I have no idea why I'm so interested in soldiers and shit like that. But I met chiang yesterday and he told me so much about it. Even though it's all propaganda and shit, which I don't think I can ever survive and stuff, I would like join it because I'm so very fascinated about how they run the damn thing. I would never take the physical training though, even though that is for the most part. I will never run. I would march under the sun for hours though, but no running. Somehow, I miss my uniform group shit from secondary school, although I hate it too much, I love the marching part and the camping part. ah well.

Man, I can't wait till I know my schedule for the week. Gotta start studying, and practicing. Exams are up next. Piano in a month, and math in 3. gahhhh.

Placebo or no?

I think you're the sweetest thing.

Rachael, you're a freaking loser.

BUT.

I win this round.

LOLOLOLOL.

Rachael, you're such an idiot.

crazy unintentional unreliable

2010-02-19T16:26:00.001+08:00

Work has been much more fulfilling these days. I've learnt to work the bar a little.

So here. Cappuccinos.

First two attempts were shit but my final one turned out pretty. (:

So I am like really really realllyy exhausted right now,

but I have to wait for my hair to dry so I can go sleep.

Stayed up till about 4 am yesterday at C's,

drinking, pokeying, playing rockband, talking,

and doing something that has traumatized me for life,

but it was awfully fun.

I wish we could stay longer to talk and stuff though.

Anyways,

I was thinking of making another video but like,

im really tired and busy,

suckssss.

I need contact lenses.

The most random thing happened at work yesterday,

this chef guy asked me this, " Why do girls go clubbing and wear so skimpy, is it cos they can be like, 'omg, I'm so sexy, you can see but you can't touch to guys?' "

and im like.. man, real good question.

My opinion on that would be just to flaunt, I guess.

I mean, who would wear something hot, and not want to flaunt it?

I don't wear crazy skimpy outfits but like, I wear whatever I think I look good in.

If I look good, I feel good, and I have fun, feeling good about myself.

I think it's really important to feel good about yourself,

and no matter how much I tell myself that,

I can't get that into my head.

And I think people around you should always support you for you,

no matter how fat or stupid you are.

Nobody's perfect,

and I have to know that.

I really think I give good advice,

just that I don't follow anything I say.

It's so retarded,

but yes, I have hardly any mental strength.

I really want rockband.

I'll play nonstoppppppppp.

Lost

2010-02-18T00:21:00.002+08:00

taking my cousin out for chinese new year '10.

I've never felt so much insecurity for such a long time.

I feel like such a loser for some reason.

but then again, the only reasons why I feel like that is because I am so fucking lonely, it's crazy.

I know I have friends and all that,

but like, I miss having someone to care about and someone who cares about me.

not that I don't care about my friends,

but you know that feeling u get.

don't get me wrong,

but there's no one at the moment who is that person for me.

waiting just fucking sucks.

I wish we could like get someone just like that,

but then again,

I'm not the prettiest girl,

or the hottest,

or the smartest girl around.

Instead, even though no matter what I say,

I still feel like that fat kid.

not pretty enough,

doesn't dress right,

doesn't speak right.

man. I really wonder who ever feels confident about themselves.

It's so hard these days.

but then again,

I don't know how I could feel like I'm good enough the way I am just a few weeks ago.

I guess when random people make comments about you,

it just changes it.

I'm not that typical girl, that's for sure.

but then again,

what's typical?

If anything,

I would be that girl who lives in the bubble after she watches tons of movies.

wishing she was in there.

What a loser.

I shall create my own movies.

One where the world isn't perfect,

everyone's path crosses but they do not meet for long,

where there is actually sadness and disappointment.

loads of that shit,

so people would actually realise that nobody's perfect.

perfect life?

please.

everyone is far from it.

He's a drunk,

She's a whore,

They are lonely and miserable,

We are lonely and miserable.

Finding someone who would make your life easier would just feel so safe again.

I miss that feeling so so much.

But then again,

I'm moving.

I would never stay in one place for too long.

I hope this feeling's temporary or you wouldn't see my smile again.

My name is not Rachael

2010-02-16T14:51:00.002+08:00

We sat there in silence in at open bar,

listening to yelling, crying, screaming.

We watched people lit themselves on fire,

running around in the mist.

We sat there untouched by the creatures that sat around us,

those hoping, smoking, laughing.

I finally opened my mouth,

letting out, " you?"

and I heard " Marley."

I am not Rachael.

I am a girl at the bar finding traces of herself that she left behind from the past.

We do not speak.

"Whiskey"

Something he left for me,

now my poison.

We sat there watching,

Your hand filled up the arch of my palm.

I do not feel anything.

We started having a conversation about what the world is made of,

beauty, peace, war,

superficial.

I thought of you,

What your world was made of.

Mine was him.

You've got me wrong.

I found what was left of me.

My name is not Rachael.

I am living in the memory of him.

Forgotten,

Nothing.

fuck you very much

2010-02-16T09:55:00.003+08:00

i have no fucking clue how i've gotten to such an idiot in my life. but I woke up this morning feeling so fucked up it's unbelievable. First of all, let me tell you about my night. getting fucking high, to feeling so fucking sad, to being bailed on twice by the same person, to cutting my hand with my bracelet my accident, of course, to like bleeding like crazy and my hand hurting like fuck the whole damn night, to getting msges, to throwing my phone cos I was so pissed off at it. I still feel like throwing that piece of shit around cos I fucking hate technology and shit like that. So I slept with my hand hurting like fuck cos my bracelet was fucking made of glass and I am still wondering if any pieces of that shit is stuck in my hand. Now it's like fucking swollen. i'm so freaking pissed at it.

Then my morning. Right. I saw something I didn't want to see and think about for a long fucking time and I saw it and I was like wtf. Rachael, I told you to keep off that shit. Like I want to slap myself so hard. I'm so pissed off at myself and everyone around me right now. it's retardedly i dont know how to describe it anymore. I better clean my act up cos my relatives are coming over and stuff like that but I'm so freaking ass pissed off right now. I want to shoot someone over and over again.

I fucking want to get a piercing so bad also. An eyebrow piercing. Like nevermind. I'm going to be impulsive and get one. I'm still so fucking pissed off right now, it's not funny at all. I want to kill a bunny, and cut up a snail and dissect a freaking deer and like thrash some shit up.

I haven't felt so fucked up in such a long time, I think I should make a video of myself being all fucked up and shit. When I watch it again, it'll be so fucking funny, but for now. I have no mood to do anything but like freaking clean up my freaking room.

omfg. I am soooooooooooo pissed right now.

rachaellllllll. wtf.

oh, we're all falling to pieces

2010-02-15T10:59:00.004+08:00

hello pieces of cells floating around spaces to form solids who are reading this shit I'm posting up.

I AM BORED OUTTA MY FUCKING MIND.

that's just really what I wanted to say since like ... I stopped schooling.

but really, this shit bored outta my mind shit just got worst cos it's chinese new year,

and of course you don't know what I have hardly any relatives here.

they are all in america, or australia, or canada or malaysia

which just sucks.

oh, for the malaysia part,

people are either too old or they've gone back to like a really far malaysian town which my dad is too lazy to visit, and I don't speak chinese well btw.

you know how much it sucks when people are like, hey, you're malaysian right, and starts speaking chinese to you.

like omfg. shut up already. I can't speak chinese, and I speak like freaking half english half chinese, hoping they would understand..

if people actually spoked malay to me, which thank god no one has tried yet,

i would like, die.

Then again,

does my english sound malaysian to you?

I know my fairy friend (YES, I ACCEPTED YOUR FAIRY REQUEST) would say she'll never be friends with me if I spoke like a malaysian.

hah.

so the last few hours of valentine's day rocked,

cos steph came over with awesome awesome get high like fuck stuff,

and like,

we got high, and talked so much shit.

and I really can't remember anything I said yesterday.

Maybe a little, like ........... no. nevermind.

then we called chang just to see his bald head.

heh.

i feel so fucking bad for asking him down for like 2 seconds and making him walk all the way down the hill in the middle of the night but oh well.

sorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry.

today,

I'm still bored outta my mind,

but I think my writer's block is over for now.

had inspiration for a new video this morning.

yayyy.

I'll try to make this one awesomer.

oh, btw, if u cant find my video,

don't.

it sucks.

thanks.

I need more money.

I can't survive with my current angpao funds.

A gun to your head

2010-02-13T23:58:00.003+08:00

happy valentine's day.

my vid is up.

not that great but whatever.

i had one comment for it.

good enough for me.

Hello, My name is

2010-02-11T09:08:00.002+08:00

My name is Rachael.

I am really clumsy, but at the same time, graceful, or so my chinese name say.

I like putting myself into awkward situations unconsciously, and letting myself worry over nothing.

I am fluent in being really nice and also, bitch.

I love being over exaggerated sometimes, and telling about my weird encounters.

Most people who don't know me think I'm the weirdest person on earth because the first things I say to people are always the weirdest thing.

I'm not too good with first impressions but the only reason for that is because I'm really shy when I meet people for the first time, so if I talk shit, you'll understand.

I write a lot of poetry and scenes for my videos but I make horrible videos.

I love writing, but I wish I were a good actress.

If there's anything I would like to be good at right now, would be stand up comedy because it feels good to have people laugh at you and your jokes.

I love narrating my life in my head, but I never out loud.

I go out with people who like embarrassing me in public, but I like laughing at their shitty loudness or people who would do stupid things with me.

I tend to be really depressed over things that I seem not to care about, but I really do care about it but I want to seem cool about it. And when I get depressed, I take it out on random people or things and then write about it and listen to hardcore music.

That makes me a mood-person, where I listen to genres of music that represents what I feel.

I wish I were cooler though,

not such a dork who writes crap in notebooks and knows about hardly anything.

I realized, I don't know what I'm good at..

that just sucks.

I want a lion plushie.

Ice Queen/ Queen of the penguins, please find one for me.

2010-02-09T20:49:00.002+08:00

I can't go on living like this.

watch me go

2010-02-08T23:36:00.003+08:00

Because my friend left.

This is the first time I watched my friend go.

I won't see her for 2 years.

Next, another goes.

Then I will be next.

You know how you have so many emotions at the same time.

I just want to burst out crying for that second, and then I want to laugh because I see something really funny.

I didn't cry today.

But my 1 hour train ride home was an emotional rollercoaster because I thought of so many things, like what would it be like when I leave.

I realised that when I was younger, every time my parents tell me that we're moving to canada, I'd be so freaking upset because I know I had a life here. My friends were all here.

But since a year ago, I feel that there is nothing left in this country for me, and I should move to some place where no one knows me, and start over.

But then, that was one year ago.

This time, it is different yet the same.

I want to leave so bad as much as I want to go.

But I realised that I just made friends, and I just realised how my old friends are the most awesomest people on earth, and how they're all going to stay here and I'm going away. I mean, they are people who give me all the advice I need, talk to me when I'm down, hang out with me when I'm lonely and we have awesome conversations together.

I know there's always the thing about making new friends and that shit, but hey, nothing beats people that you've known for almost 4 years, or almost your entire life.

I was wondering about how bad I'll cry when I leave, who would be there at the airport sending me off, how the whole situation would be like.

I know I'd hug all my friends and say goodbye,

and then my family which although can be so annoying, the best family I could ever ask for. I have the most awesome siblings ever.

The person I would miss the most is my sister though I'm like wayyyy older than her, but still. She knows almost everything about me, and she makes me laugh till I cry.

I really hope I get accepted to canada though.

I always wanted to go overseas for university cos my dad did that and that's why I want to too.

When I grow up a bit more, I might stay there, who knows right, but I'd definitely miss this place so much. I'm still thinking really hard about permanently moving and stuff.

Man, the whole train ride had a whole load more thoughts than this.

There's so much to think about because everyone around me is leaving, going some place, and I don't want to be stuck here either.

Freaking life changing shit.

I suffocate myself to sleep

2010-02-07T13:42:00.002+08:00

Ice Nine Kills is the bomb.

their lyrics are awesome.

I'm bored as hell but I'm not going to do anything about it but watch videos all day, and prolly make one myself too.

I've been doing a lot of thinking recently and I've been thinking of like how I survived a whole year without a guy and stuff like that.

Yes, it's been a year and it felt like fucking 3 centuries.

I feel so freaking cynical about love cos of past relationships, cosbeingcheatedonlikebyeveryguyI'vedatedislikethemostloserthingeverandIdon't evenknowwhyI'mwritingithere,butwhatthehellright,

soIdon'tthinkIwouldlikeeverfallinlovetilllikeI'm25orsomething.

I've been like stalking d on youtube and myspace and all that websites and stuff right, and I was thinking about how lucky he was and stuff. I mean, that girl is so cool. She's like 15 and she knows what the hell she wants. I think that is the perfect role model for people, like liking yourself the way you are is the most impossible thing for most people, but I'm getting there. And he's like the most awesome kinda person he is. I like the way he rolls with his principals and stuff that he talks about.

I watch too much youtube, really.

But I think it's still not enough. :)

so, I need to make awesome videos.

like, better than my first one which i think was total crap.

please don't try to find it,

you'd prolly watch it and laugh at me.

Now I've just gotta go practice talking and clean up and start shooting.

and then family reunion.

If the video is good, I'd put it here.

Next video's about valentine's day! :)

EYEBROW PIERCING!

2010-02-06T13:56:00.003+08:00

I WANT AN EYEBROW PIERCING SO FUCKING BADLY.

i just really really want one right now.

my parents will die.

I have to fucking wait 4 months.

BUT I WANT IT SO BADLY.

i won't stop whining about it.

please someone, help me find a solution.

Covering it with my fringe just wont work.

D: <- Megasad face.

I REALLY REALLY REALLY WANT ONEEEEEE.

I have blue hair now.

I shall start filming my valentine's day vid soon.

I hope it'll be good.

I have so many exams coming up.

it's madness.

I am not going to learn to drive yet.

freaking too lazy too.

I'm sorry, but I'm a slob.

Just look at the state of my room. ^^

Chinese new year should just be tmr.

I need the money.

and, I really want a lion.

Lions are the coolest, most awesome animal there is, and following that would be a tie between a cat and a dog.

I want both.

When I move, I'm going to get a kitten and a puppy and they're going to be the bestest of friends.

I'll just be one of the most interesting pet owners there is.

a cat, dog and a lion.

My life is complete.

But you went anyways

2010-02-04T22:58:00.003+08:00

I love it how I can look at you right now,

and still miss you,

but I don't care that I do anymore.

I found that peace with myself that I haven't gotten in so many months.

You still have traces of me with you and you know it.

I love to be someone you can't totally erase.

Work sucks ballsssss.

I could go on and on about how much it sucks,

but it'll be too boring to go through that shit.

so anyways.

I've gotta go clean my table and take out all my math books.

retakes.

yeah, I know.

NO WORK TMR.

and I'm stuck with slippers because of the many fucking blisters I've got from wearing heels for such a short time.

I can never buy comfy heels.. ever.

but shopping in slippers would always be awesome.

I feel the need to do some shit these few days.

I need to find something to look forward to again.

People, things, whatever it is.

Favourite boys going/gone to army.

It'll suck if they're uncontactable.

If uncontactable really is a word.

Criminal minds before I sleep tonight.

Just to freak myself out and even though I'm tired as hell.

Anyways, I'm hooked on this song: I do and I don't by Ice Nine Kills.

I really like this like: I can't forget you just knowing that I've met you.

Dirty slut bitch cow whore

2010-02-02T22:38:00.004+08:00

I wrote you on the palm, on my fingers.

Backwards, Sideways, Forward, Front.

You stained me with juices so foul on my hand.

I ran backwards through the mist,

hoping time would split,

wishing I could go back and wouldn't exist.

Sidewards, Backwards, Forward, Front.

My hand is slipping through the cracks of your fingers.

I'm lost again.

Dream, Wandering, Losing, Inside.

Sturdy and firm.

I want to go back home.

My fingertips traced the arch of your bones.

My lips trailed slowly behind.

Turning, Twirling, Skipping, Hopping.

I stay on your side.

Dirty, Slut, Bitch, Cow, Whore.

Dear Ray

2010-02-02T22:25:00.003+08:00

My dearest Ray of Sunshine,

I think I've been in love with you for far too long.

That time, I thought of me going away from you while watching a music video on MTV, and it made me cry.

The way you look at me,

the way you talk to me.

The things you do around me.

I'll miss that so much.

Honestly, you are one of the few things I want to keep in my world.

You don't know that.

It'll be that secret I'll keep from you.

I've been thinking about you so much since that night.

I think I'll keep that too myself too.

I just wanted to let you know,

I'll always have that thing for you,

no matter what,

no matter where I am.

that was freaking sweet

2010-02-01T13:55:00.002+08:00

today has been a pretty sweet day.

first of all,

i woke up from the most amazing dream ever.

why?

because it's the dream i've been wanting to dream of for a few years now and i got it and it was awesome.

i'm not going to say what it is here cos it's pretty personal.

if you know me well, then you can ask me.

if you don't,

then hang there in silence, stranger.

second of all, i've been trying to make a video for the longest amount of days.

and it's not working out that well, but i'm making it better.

it's so so hard with such lousy technology I have

but it's ok, i'll be good, I promise.

third,

my favourite youtube person just put up a new video.

i've been waiting for that for MONTHS.

i know that's not that long,

but i've been stalking him like on every page he has.

i totally look up to this guy,

he is AMAZING.

fourth.

My job interview went alright.

I don't know if I'll get the job,

but the dream I had last night just made it better.

vroooom.

goes the camera.

it is calling out to me.

i like making funny noises

2010-01-31T13:02:00.003+08:00

what is up, people of the land?

i feel the need to change my blog layout.

but i feel very lazy.

i have a couple of things I have to do.

1. clean under my table, so i can throw away stuff, and get my math stuff to study for math.

2. get my video done by today or tmr. ( I know i keep saying that but i'm so sleepy. :( )

3. send out my application forms to university

4. practise the piano for my job interview tmr

5. start studying for driving tests

man, I'm so tired right now,

it's so stupid cos I sleep so much.

Maybe that's the problem.

and yeah, i don't drink coffee.

I have a problem guys.

my problem is that I never ever make the first move.

like ever.

ask anyone.

even if its my boyf, i'll never hold your hand first.

i don't say, "HI! MY NAME IS RACHAEL! WHATS YOUR NAME?"

first.

ever.

maybe when I was a kid but not now.

but I'm trying to be like that because I think people skills are very important.

but I'm very much kept to myself.

everything is stuffed up in this head of mine.

I narrate almost everything in my head when I'm on the streets.

even things that I want to say get stuck there and never gets out.

but I'm trying.

I need that change.

I'm too shy for my own liking.

sometimes, I really want to burst out saying things but I just don't dare to, unless I know you well. Ask any of my friends. I'm the crazy talking shit person, just not to everyone.

right,

interview tmr.

i'm so psyched.

video time.

omg, freaking yes.

2010-01-28T12:34:00.002+08:00

I am in an especially good mood this morning.

1. My piano lesson went really well.

2. I have a job interview to teach kids which I'm so psyched about. If there's anything I want to do, it'll be teaching kids music. (i think) Kids are the cutest things ever and music is something I love and I would share it. (:

3. I don't have work today.

4. I'm meeting my friends later.

5. The weekend is nearrrrr!

6. American idol and friends tonight.

7. I'm sending in my application forms today (FINALLY)

8. Oh, another place asked me for my resume to teach.

9. my favourite youtuber replied me (yay!)

10. I have very nice dark hair (I say dark because I don't know what color it really is)

oh yes, I'll try to update everyday from now on.

I painted my toenails so fucking ugly last night, I can't be bothered to get them off.

and I have to take this sticker thing off my nose now.

hello mr sunlight

2010-01-27T09:50:00.003+08:00

this is what I make my friend do when they are in a yoghurt shop,

where they have to take things themselves ( she is mad at me )

we just pile the cup up with everything. please stop staring at us. we know how much this yoghurt is worth. more than the money you're getting. ^^ we beat your system. please don't bann us from your shop. it is fun when you stare at us going out of your shop.

and in this photo, I'm just going to say this:

i love the shirt that I'm wearing.

I wore it to film yesterday.

yes, film.

i thought I shall upgrade my blog,

where I speak to a camera in my room,

and you guys can watch me.

hurrahhhhh.

vlogging.

my internet life: 948723492342

my normal healthy talking to people life: 0

now i am tired, hungry, and i need to go to work.

bluhhhhhhh.

fucking rhinos above are stamping again.

DON'T YOU HAVE SCHOOL?

DOESN'T YOUR MOM HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO THAN STAMP AROUND ALL DAY?

you have a problem, upstairs people.

now I shall get to work.

crossing over to 0 again

2010-01-25T09:23:00.003+08:00

yeah, ok.

people should just stop posting that on my wall.

it's not like i'll do anything.

i don't want to click anything.

like dude...

my internet is slow as fuck now.

don't ask me to click.

so today's like the first day of the week.

ugh.

tuesday makes the week better with one tree hill and heroes.

then wednesday, there's american idol

and thursday, there's american idol

and then friday, IT'S THE END OF THE DAMN WEEK.

hurrah.

like my week gets better in the weekends.

-.-

ballllssssssssssss.

i just needed to say that.

but baallllllssssssssss.

i hate my days.

i need to make new friends.

and I shall do that through the internet.

hello internet people.

i'm as much as an internet freak as you are.

we shall be great friends and stalk each other.

even though we're stalking people with no lives.

that's right!

did i burst your bubble?

i'm sorry..

no.

don't cry.

please don't start trashing your stuff.

fine.

die.

i don't even get to catch friends today.

i want to see monica and chandler be together again!

that's one of the only relationships that gives me hope, thinking there is still love in this world,

though really, it's fictional.

dammit, i won't be a nun.

i shall leave you for my day working, serving.

but before i go,

MIU MIU IF YOU'RE READING THIS!

TAKE THAT PENGUIN HEART AND BE THAT PENGUIN QUEEN!

I LOVE YOU!

HOPE ALL GOES WELL.

YOU SHALL NEVER LEAVE ME.

I'm losing it

2010-01-23T14:02:00.002+08:00

OMFG GUYS I'M FREAKING LOSING IT!!!!!!

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

this is my life without miu mius or stephys or like people that make me laugh, or i make them laugh.

I HAVENT BEEN FUNNY IN SO LONG I THINK I'M GOING TO DIE.

omg. please help me.

you can do so by talking shit to me in any form.

email/facebook/msn

fucking hell. i've been cooped up in this shit called my house in so long.

the only time i ever go out is to like go to work.

i think i'm going to die really really soon.

but not today.

today I'm going out.

to hang with bestie and her friend.

but ARGHHHHHHhHHH!

i better stop screaming.

i just feel like im going to die from not laughing.

to top it all off.

I NEED TO GO TO CHURCH TODAY.

yes. thats the promise or whatever you will call it so the folks would let me go to canada.

i shall bring my 'bible' to church today.

hahahahhahahhahaa.

beat that.

there are things i realise i cannot live without for more than 2 days.

it's been A FUCKING WEEK GODDAMNIT.

these things are..

laughing.

having proper conversations.

more laughing.

doing something stupid.

yeah, that's about it.

i feel so miserable without anyone.

please write on my tagboard, people who actually read this.

i am bored outta my skulls.

i can't get out of the house much cos I have no fucking money.

for like another 2 fucking weeks.

i need very cheap entertainment.

dont get the wrong idea please.

i know your dirty little brains.

and the fact that i actually thought of that..

no shut up. I'm not as dirty as you that's for sure.

ok. so here's the plan.

i'm going out,

to swear and so stupid things

and laugh my butt off to nothing.

i shall point in the air,

and shout, " omg! "

and when you suckers look,

i'll be like ' MADE YOU LOOK'

yes.

i shall live.

goodbye.

so call the ambulance, i'm going home

2010-01-21T10:04:00.004+08:00

oh fucking hell.

I've been sick for like 5 days now.

Had a fever, been coughing my lungs out (not literally)

and stayed at home doing nothing.. which feels really good! for like 4 days.

I love staying at home doing nothing.

I'm so tired now and I have to go to work in like 45 mins.

Meds just makes life harder.

I've been watching so many shows and they remind me so much of high school and I really miss that. I miss hanging out with my friends all the time, running around, being stupid, laughing.. which is my favourite thing to do and just doing things that people who grow up can't do because "look, I'm so mature". Who can scream 'I'm the queen of the penguins" for no reason at all and not caring? or who can roll around on the floor because of sugar highs? or who jumps from locker platforms to platforms and is not being stared at?

Ok, maybe when we do that, people stare, but we're in school.

no one actually remembers that.

If you did that on the streets, people would stare and you'd feel so awkward.

but still, i miss that so much.

I think everyone needs to do something stupid most of the time, or you'd be so uptight and unhappy.

I know I need to laugh everyday, or i'd die..

which I already am going to.

but my sister saves my life.

she made me and my brother roll on the floor laughing so bad last night until there were tears streaming down of our faces and our stomachs hurt.

Man. I'm going to miss so much in like 5 months or something.

I need to do something fun soon.

TV can only hold you back for so long.

about 2 and a half weeks before I get money.

freaking broke, it's not funny.

I can't go anywhere.

gahhhhhhhhh.

this sucks.

hello again bitches

2010-01-18T09:29:00.007+08:00

HELLO AGAIN.

i miss you weloverachael.blogspot.com

I'm back here.

Cos my other blog is too gay to read.

love love love love this blog so much.

Staying away from you for half a year is tooo much!

So! I have like 3 blogs now.

I'm a freaking loser because I spend all my time on the internet.

yay me!

So it's this blog, my tumblr blog, which is full of nonsense reblogs and stupid sad posts which you shouldn't ever read and my new oneee!

This is is with my bestest friend.

Yeap.

It's going to be awesome.

This year started off really screwed up but its slowly getting better (or so I hope)

Well, it's university year!

and Moving away to one of my favorite places in the world!

(whoooooooooo~ and rachael dances around in circles)

I'm sick today so I'm not going to work.

And I'm working as a waitress.

Which is quite an experience for me because I need to learn some skills from restaurant businesses. ( i can never spell restaurant right, that's why there's the internet)

So I've skipped going out a lot these few weeks.

I just feel really down cos of my results and everything

and the possibility of not going to canada.

which I'm so sad about.

But I'm crossing my fingers!

So I'm getting the hardcore versions of songs

like what goes around comes around

by justin timberlake

and I think it's so awesome.

Hardcore shit is good.

I shall chill and watch crap today.

blahhh. Hello.

2009-07-14T10:42:00.003+08:00

Leaving this.

I'm here now.

byeeee.

-.-

2009-06-24T10:16:00.001+08:00

hah. this blog is like cb shit now.

Not gonna update here anymore.

i have another website.

ed westwick is damn hot.

k bye.

funny shit

2009-06-21T22:30:00.000+08:00

It's easily broken

2009-06-19T22:23:00.003+08:00

1. I have obsessions I would get over sooner or later. It's a phase. It'll pass.

2. I only sing properly, out loud when I'm alone. No one would hear me properly, ever. Unless you are my brother or sister. I never sang in front of my parents. I actually like singing.

3. I don't really like talking to people. I just get very pissed off in the morning when people talk to me.

4. I like to draw and laugh and write, not at the same time.

5. I AM SO FUCKING BORED!

it's not her you should change your mind about

2009-06-18T17:41:00.003+08:00

I suppose to be studying now,

but i am soooo not in the mood to.

i've been studying the last 2 days though.

I have theory of firm and externalities to cover before im done with micro.

god, studying takes forever.

and this is only the beginning.

tmr, it is econs again.

SOMEONE, STUDY WITH ME,

or at least give me the motivation to.

go for the gig tmr or not?

HM.

I HAVENT DECIDED YET.

that only boils down to one question.

Do I wanna spend 10 bucks?!?!

I cannot decide.

one more thing.

someone teach me how to change the layout on tumblr.

I hate it when I want to use something new,

like xanga, and tumblr.

and i cant make it look pretty, my way.

I'm too lazy to go learn it in every site i google.

SOMEBODY TEACH ME.

anyways,

hm.

back to restaurant city.

seconds on top

2009-06-17T09:13:00.004+08:00

I've been watching too much MTV recently.

and noticed a few things.

I really like kristen stewart's style.

she's like awkward hot.

and i like her outfit in the MTV movie awards.

It's awesomee.

She shouldnt go blonde again.

Dark hair makes her look, well, dark.

yay. new moon is coming out soon.

oh oh. don't you think she and robert pattinson make a good couple?

Katy perry is hawttttt

and she can sing damn well, live or not.

some artist can't sing for shit live.

and don't you love katy perry's style?

it's awesomely pretty retro.

lol.

Her videos are goood.

thinking of you is so freaking ass sad, and guy in kyle xy is inside. (:

remix version of waking up in vegas video is awesome too. Guy in the hottie and the nottie is inside. heh.

right,

so i actually did work yesterday.

like topic by topic revision for math.

that took like what, 6 hours.

and i have 3 chapters left.

today, it's math and econs.

or world lit and math

or math and MI.

i can't decide yet.

ughhh. i lost my phone charger.

my phone is dead.

5 mins and 20 seconds

2009-06-16T11:31:00.002+08:00

went out to the lib with tessa and andy yesterday.

tessa was so pissed at me,

cos i was sick and kept saying i couldnt go.

lol.

and she doesnt want to go out with me again.

cos im like all. omg. that has so many calories.

that has transfat. blahblahblah.

i am going to lose the next 5 kg.

and get my piercing.

hah.

I have to start on work now.

tata.

MATH!

since i've been gone

2009-06-15T20:59:00.006+08:00

1. Your ex is on the side of the road, on fire. What do you do?

Keep yelling, "STOP, DROP AND ROLL! YOU DUMBSHIT. STOP RUNNING AROUND!"

2.Your best friend tells you she's pregnant. What is your reaction?

omgomgomg. how-why-how-how-what-why-how... cool...

3.When was the last time you wanted to punch someone in their face?

like. today.

4. Congratulations! You just had a son. What's his name?

Liam, or Trey.

5. Congratulations! You just had a daughter. What's her name?

Taylor

6. What are you craving right now?

chocolate.. hmmm.

7. What was the last thing you cried about?

OH! Korean show! They are so sad...

8. When you buy something and your change is a penny, do you keep it?

Whatever i feel like, GOSH.

9. What color is your tissue box?

gold.

10. Is there a ceiling fan in your room & if so does it have dust on it?

No ceiling fan. Ceiling fans piss me off. They are so annoying. They keep going round and round and round and it makes me all giddy.

11. What is the last voice mail you received about?

I don't have voicemail!

12. Scariest thing you've experienced in the last year?

hm. My first 360 rollercoaster.

13.Have you ever had a garage sale?

Yeap!

14. What is the last beverage you had?

Water.

15. Are you happy right now?

Whatever you know, I feel numb.

16. Who came over last?

My brother's friend.

17. Do you drink energy drinks?

Nope!

18. Have your brothers or sisters ever told you that you were adopted?

Nope! My sister and I don't look anything alike but, *shrugs*

19. Dark or light jeans?

Dark!

20. What was the last movie you watched at home?

Memoirs of a Geisha was on TV last night.

21. What is in your pocket?

I don't have pockets.

25. When is your birthday?

The last day of september.

26.What are you going to do after this?

Turn on the aircon.

27. Who was the last person you went shopping with?

Tessaaaaa!

28. What about your favorite dessert?

Anything chocolate.

29. Do you have the same name as one of your relatives?

Nope! That would be so weird.

30. Do you like pickles?

It's alright.

31. Is someone in love with you?

heh. Ask that person yourself. (I don't even know who the person is though.)

32. What color is your couch?

Black.

33. Has anyone ever mistaken you for a family member?

huh. no. but anyone mistaken me with another family member, yes.

34. Does someone like you right now?

I guess so. LOL.

35. Do you know anyone in jail/prison?

Yeap!

36. Who was the last person to send you a text message?

My dad.

37. How many hours did you sleep for last night?

like.. 8.

38. Do you swear at your parents?

Once. That was it.

39. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?

Hurr. If I had that power, I would be cooler.

40. What is the last thing you spent money on?

The bus fare.

41. Name one thing no one can ever change your mind about?

My gender status.

42. What is the last thing you ate that had onions in it?

Like, the burger, or something, or the indian beef fries thing andy stuffed in my mouth. I think.

43. Crunchy or Puffy Cheetos

Puffy.

44. Have you ever blocked someone from facebook?

Nope. Don't think so. Unless they were all weird gross horny stalkers.

45. Who was it?

Never met those kinda guys.

46. Do you wear a name tag at work/school?

In my previous school, yeah. AND THEY HAD TO PUT MY CHINESE NAME. god.

47. What color is your iPod?

black!

48. What is your favorite key chain on your keys?

No keychains. Keychains are weird.

49. What were you doing at midnight last night?

Sleeping dudeeeeee.

50. If the last person you kissed said that you were the only one they wanted, would you believe them?

Hurrr. Who was the last person I kissed? errrrrrr. If he told me now, I wouldn't believe. I'd be like what the fuck?

51. Do you believe that any of your ex's think about you?

yeah. exes think of only 2 things. How to get together with you, and how to break up with you. After the break up, ...........................................

52. Would you date someone 8 years older than you?

If he were hot and successful.

53. What were you doing at 1am this morning?

Sleeping! God.

54. Will your next kiss be a mistake?

It'll be a drunken/truth or dare kiss. Trust me.

55. Did the one person who hurt you the most in your life apologize?

Yeah, No, Maybe. I don't know. I can't remember.

56. Do you know a secret about your ex and if he/she pisses you off will you tell?

Nope!

57. What's with you and the last person you kissed?

huh. Nothing.

58. Have you ever had your heart broken? If so how many times? How did it feel?

2wice. It sucked. but whatever, I'll get over it.

59. What time did you wake up this morning?

around 0830 or something.

60. What's on your bed right now?

My pillows and bear and lions. (:

61. Are you someone who worries too often?

Nope. Yeah.

62. Do you like to cuddle/snuggle?

Yeap!

64. What color is your hair?

Blackish redish purplish black.

65. Honestly, if you could go back 1 month and change something would you?

Yeah. Study harder.

66. Is there anybody you wish you could be spending time with right now?

Yeah. My friends I haven't seen in 2 weeks!

67. Have you ever fallen asleep in someones arms?

I think so.

68. Are you wasting your time on someone?

I'm not dating or finding. Whatever. They find me.

69. Are you excited about anything today?

Yeah. I was. First time i'm out in A-G-E-S-S-S-S-S--S.

70. On average, when do you cry the most?

When i watch korean movies/dramas.

71. What does the newest text message in your inbox say?

Yeah.

73. Who are 5 people your last texts are from?

My dad, Tessa, Aditya, Piano teacher & Steps.

74. Do you currently have a hickey?

Nope!

75. Last person you texted?

My dad! You asked that already.

76. Miss anyone?

Yes, sadly. I'm not suppose to.

77. Have you ever skipped class?

errrr. Skipped a whole day of school to skip class.

78. What's the longest you've ever talked on the phone?

like 5 hours or something.

79. How many people are you texting?

now? No one. I'm too lazy to text.

80. Do you have a friend you can tell stuff to and you're sure they won't tell?

yeap! I have more than A friend that i can tell stuff to and won't tell.

81. Where was the last place you went?

Peninsular.

82. Let's be honest, have you ever been played by someone?

Yeah. LOL.

83. Have you ever kissed anyone who's name started with a M?

Hmmm. Yeah.

84. Who is the last person that called you and what did they say?

My mom asking me whether i'd be home for dinner. lolsss.

85. Do you trust all your friends?

Most.

86. Do you know anyone that smokes pot?

Yeap!

87. Are you usually wide awake in the morning?

Nope!

88. If you could change your eye color what would it be?

Grey.

89. Do you dance in the car?

Heh. When i'm retardedly high.

90. Do you always answer your phone?

Nope! Only when I'm outtttt.

91. Would you like to be in a relationship right now?

Er. No.

92. Who's hoodie did you wear last?

Mine!

93. Do you sleep on your tummy?

Sometimes.

94. Is love really a beautiful thing?

If it were less ugly.

95. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?

ER. NO, YES, WHATEVER.

you just asked me that

96. Are you in a good mood right now?

I'm in an OMG-THE-WEATHER-SUCKS-SO-BAD mood.

97. Is there a guy/girl that knows everything or mostly everything about you?

Yeap!

98. Do you think your last ex will eventually want to be with you again?

Hurr. No.

99. Do you think you will be in a relationship three months from now?

IB is muh boyfriend.

100. How many people on your top friends have you slept in the same bed with?

Top friends. Like I don't know. What top friends??

101. Have you ever liked someone who treated you like crap?

Yeah. No shit.

102. What are you listening to?

My sister playing the piano.

103. Is there a difference between the word 'best friend' and 'friend'?

Yes. A best friend is someone you trust and tell everything to. A friend, you may not trust and tell everything to, and a friend may not be there all the time. But a best friend is always there.

104. When is the last time someone of the opposite sex gave you a hug?

Like. I forgot. Before school ended?

105. Can you touch your toes?

Yeap!

106. Do you have any interesting tattoos/piercings?

Going to have. (:

107. What were you doing at midnight last night?

god. I was sleeping!

108. What's your favorite season?

Autumn.

109. Last thing you ate/drank?

Dinner and barley and water.

110. How many siblings do you have?

111. Needles aren't so horrible?

They're not horrible at all.

112. What time did you go to bed last night?

12.

113. Have you ever made out in a bathroom?

Yeap!

115. What is the last non-alcoholic beverage you had?

Water.

116. Are you scared of spiders?

Love em!

117. Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?

Nope. Unless it is time to study more.

118. Ever been swimming in a lake or river?

Maybe. I can't remember.

119. Last person you drove with in a car?

my mom.

120. Who should start the kiss, the girl or the guy?

Both. 50/50. But I'm damn lazy, so the guy. LOL.

121. What did you last buy?

Skinnies.. apparently.

122. What’s irritating you right now?

The doorbell.

123. What radio station(s) do you listen to?

Radio stations? That's so 2005. lolsss.

124. Are you afraid of the dark?

nope.

125. Are you listening to music right now?

Sister's piano playing "music".

126. Is there anyone you wish was still in your life?

Yeap!

127. Do you get distracted easily?

Yeah.

128. Was this the best year of your life?

No way. I was better when i was a 15/16.

129. Who are your best friends?

Belinda!

130. What was going through your mind during your last kiss?

Errr... I really cannot remember. How long ago is that?

131. Is it easier to forgive or forget?

Forgive.

132. Do you flirt a lot?

Nope!

133. Would you live with someone without marrying them?

Yeah.

134. Have you ever had a dream about people you love dying?

Yeah, and holy shit. I cried so bad.

135. Have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle?

Yeah. When i was a kid.

136. Who was the last person that made you feel safe?

My friends.

137. Have you ever liked someone so much that it hurts?

Yeap!

138. Have you ever broken someone’s heart?

I guess.

139. Do you believe that you are a good boyfriend or girlfriend?

Hm. I'm loyal.

140. What did you do yesterday?

Sleeep and eat and watch TV and go online.

141. What time did you go to bed at and when did you wake up?

12 and 0830. Gawd.

142. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

I really don't know about that one. In dating, there is one rule i follow, that is if the relationship doesnt work out, and we break up, it wasnt meant to be. Therefore, no second chances. The second chance would be a waste of time.

143. Believe in love at first sight?

Yeah.

144. What phrase or saying do you use the most?

No ah, walao.

145. What is stopping you from confessing to your crush?

I don't have a crush.

not cool

2009-06-14T21:47:00.003+08:00

Quizzes like to tell me i'm an emo.

I'm not emo.

>:(

yesterday, it said i'm indian.

today, it said i'm a minah.

that makes me an indian emo minah.

wtf is that.

not cool.

stoned out

2009-06-14T15:26:00.006+08:00

Stoned out days like today are great.

I got to watch CSI, friends and my wife and kids.

Howie do it is a stupid show.

I'll rate it 1/5.. whatever.

So i did three things today.

1. watch ants drown.

2. watch stuff boil.

3. tried doing WL.

the third one kinda failed. heh.

the ants in my house are fast.

leave a cup of something on the coffee table,

5 mins later, you've got an mob running through your hands while you rush them to the sink. then you leave them in a pot of water, but no, the cup does not fill. they are trapped. so you slowly drown them. one of them tried to swim out, but it couldnt leave the bit of food it got. ah well. too bad buddy.

stoning and watching stuff boil.. hm. its just fun to keep adjusting the fire to see what happens. fire is always fun. heh. one day, lets go burn stuff. whooooooooooo. (:

i am bored and i need to get inspiration from medea to write about her. i like medea. but she really needs to give me ideas. i can't write anything good. gah. but her killer dress is cooool. then again, fiery dresses are really cool. cos there's fire. meh.

i need to get better and lose weight all at the same time. no lunch for me.. ever. yay. except today. and after 5. 5 is dinner, but i'll be hungry again at 9. then i'll go to sleep hungry. and then i wake up hungry. and then im full after breakfast, then im hungry at 5. 2 meals a day is good. that's how you lose weight. don't eat. exercise is not for lazy people like me. unless people ask me to go play tennis. heh.

i shall start on music tmr. i need someone to do math and physics with me. WHERE'S THE STUDY BUDDIES? stepsssss. we shall study at coffee bean soon. hahaha. im bored. playing like 100++ rounds of solitaire does not really help.

" Hi. I'm pretty. What's your name?"

im better, not much better.

2009-06-13T20:35:00.005+08:00

god, i've been nowhere in 3 days.

im stuck at home,

head spinning, medicatedly high, bobbingmy head up and down to cure the pain,

dorwning more pills into the system.

i can't find my chapstick,

tissue flooded table + floor.

im contagious.

cool.

i need to start on work,

but not in this state.

to make matters better,

i've been losing 1kg a day.

maybe it's swine,

god knows.

hm.

stuck, stuck, stuck,

in this room.

lalalala.

my brother keeps going 'what is wrong with you?'

i do the randomest things,

like smacking him for no reason,

and he laughs at me.

then i laugh at myself.

this goes on for 5 mins.

and then i'll do something stupid,

and laugh at myself.

drugs are not good, folks.

panadol + robintussin + god knows what herbs she gives me+ panadol cold

I AM BORED OUTTA MY SKULLS.

oh. i tried watching medea online today.

god. 1960s movie.

fucking hell.

it sucked so bad.

and it didnt even follow the book.

people took like 2 mins to walk down the freaking stairs.

i had to fast forward so many times.

it should be called 'italian speaking middle easterns climbing stairs' or something.

now i have to read the book.

not that i havent read it,

i just dont want to re read it.

gahhhhh

i should keep this flu up,

till i reach ideal weight.

5 more days to go!

whoooooooooo!

why is it that our mood depends on whether the ones we love?

it never makes sense does it?

this is so blah

2009-06-11T11:48:00.003+08:00

the next 48 hours consists of..

drinking weird herbal tea

downing loads of pills

the heap of used tissue

sleep

staring at this screen

faces like this: XP

after the teas, that is.

a mountain of water

and hardly any food.

the cure to my dizziness from the plane ride,

and losing the weight i gained from the trip.

perfect.

ps. i'll blog about the trip when im better

pps. i need to get better real soon.. I NEED TO DO WORK AND I WANNA GO OUT!

maybe cigarettes would do the trick for this flu.

X.X

One of a kind

2009-06-10T22:05:00.002+08:00

im sick

and i slept 5 hours in the last 2 days.

Only if you listen

2009-06-07T22:51:00.002+08:00

Hey you. I'm in Taiwan now. And I'm so boredddd. Blogging is the only thing that's saving me from dying cos I haven't shopped in god knows how long. So now you know how bored I am on this trip. To summarize what I've been doing so far, I'm was in Taipei half a day. Spent 2 days in the mountains, and one day in the city and today in the theme park. I'm sorry if I got the day timings all wrong. I can't keep track of anythin now. But I've been thinking a lot on bus trips abt the hinge o shouldn't care much about. I've found out something I wanna do in college and tommy keeps dying. He's a useful friend. :D so today, I went on the first 4 loops 360 ride and got damn giddy. It was good though. Watched trannies dance to nobody by the wonder girls. And watched fireworks, and had too much icecream. Tmr, it's shopping day. FINALLY!! Post up pictures when I'm back. I miss you guys! Btw, blogging on an iPod sucks. Gah. :|

darling, only a fool couldn't see through you

2009-06-03T23:30:00.003+08:00

it wasn't unproductive today.

i went to school to do up my cas,

had piano lesson, where she keep asking me what my problem is.

had physics tuition where he told me that he had to go to uni and cant teach us anymore.

and played tennis with the boys, one of the most retarded tennis sessions ever.

and gossip timeeee.

heh. (:

fun.

i am so tired.

and my hair is wet.

i would not go to bed with wet hair.

cos it'll get all gross and smelly and odd shapey.

i'm leaving tmr folkssssss.

yay.

7 days of nothing but shopping and eating and shopping.

when i come back,

it's goodbye holidays and hello prelims & course work.

i'm such a procrastinator.

but still.

I'LL MISS YOU GUYSSSS.

eh stepsssss.

email me if anything.

we're such stalkers.

shhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Headlines lead out

2009-06-01T21:47:00.004+08:00

the first day of the hols,

and i cleaned my room!

tessaa! you can come over now!

and you won't be complaining.

unless i mess it up again, of course.

i need a plan for the 3 weeks i'll be studying.

right.

these 2 weeks..

finish up all the coursework.

mean MI, TOK, World Lit 2 & econs commentary.

3 weeks is left for studying my ass off for prelims.

god.

i hate coursework.

omg.

im hungry again.

what's wrong with me.

school tmr..

means handing up cas forms

hmmm.

i spent the whole day doing nothing.

now i feel bad.

god. the holidays do not feel like the holidays.

i neeed a real break.

where u can do nothing,

and feel fine about it.

cos you really have nothing to do.

i really want to practise the violin.

but it's in school

anyways,

i spent the whole day watching south park, on facebook, online, and painting my nails, and cleaning my room.

im bored.

i shall start on work.

but ugh.

i need food.

i am so bored.

typing here is something.

hmmmmmmmm.

im not watching korean dramas non stop anymore.

i don't feel like it.

this is boring.

i cant be bothered to start.

gahhhhhh.

if you run

2009-06-01T14:58:00.002+08:00

This is my plan.

I'll lose tina.

and get a piercing.

and then since i can't exercise or whatever.

i'll just stress myself out until i won't eat.

therefore,

i wont spend money,

and i can get more studs

and clothes.

and still look good.

by stressing myself out,

i'll be studying.

therefore, good ib grades.

mission accomplished.

how dirty boys get cleaned

2009-06-01T00:47:00.003+08:00

today,

i went with steps to town to fix my pod.

this were the following that happened..

1. i was going up the steps with steph and in between us, there was a guy.

i was behind the guy.

and i was like 'eh steps!'

and the guy in front of me was like ' i know right. these steps are so annoying.'

and im like 'mmhmm...'

(bursts out laughing after he walked away)

2. i saw mohawk girl.

heeeeeee x347293842340239840294234

3. we went people watching outside cine.

and was all like 'omg. if my boyf had a tattoo like that, i'd dump him' (on some guy with a girl tattoo on his calf... it's damn ugly)

'hahahha. steph. imagine your boyf dressing like that' ( on some chubby guy wearing a sleeveless hoodie shirt.. fucking disgusting)

'omg. she looks so fat.. eh wait. she's pregnant.'

i think my korean drama craze is dying down.

i like today.

cos i can do whatever i want,

whenever i want.

not worrying about assignments due tmr,

or ee or tok

or practicals

or whatever there is on a school day.

and i can sleep whenever i want.

list of things to do for the hols.

1. world lit 2

2. MI

3. redo TOK

4. Redo econs commentaries

5. study & revise all 5 subs

6. practise the piano and violin

7. lose weight

i guess that's about it.

4 more days and im outta this country.

I'm not here

2009-05-30T21:45:00.005+08:00

this shall be my new fb profile pic.

hm.

i took quizzes on fb today.

and apparently,

i'm relationshipphobic..

that's why i'm still single.

lolszsxzsxxzsxzs

the fact of the matter is.

if i have a boy i like.

i wont go for any other.

i just havent found that boy.. yet.

watched i am sam today.

im half way through.

min ho is freaking cute.

im so lazy.

i'll stay home more korean stuff.

sorry for ditching you miuuuuuu.

i still feel very sian.

and drained.

even though the hols just started.

grrrrrrrr.

i shall go watch taken now.

yay.

mafiasssssssssssss.

mafias are cool.

and im sleepyy.

who wants to go with me to fix my ipodddd?

I WANT NOBODY NOBODY BUT YOU

2009-05-28T08:31:00.002+08:00

it's not like other boys don't want me.

but i want you.

bastard's waltz

2009-05-28T00:31:00.002+08:00

if anything,

i have to blog tonight.

about how i feel.

and the person i've become.

honestly,

i know im a stronger person than i was back then.

i am able to suck it up,

and pick myself up when someone hits me.

and i'm able to do that again and again.

people should stop hitting me already.

cos it sucks to get beaten up all the time.

but somehow,

i like feeling like this.

but then again,

i wish things were better.

i wish i chose the right people.

but then again.

i wouldnt be where i am today.

so i wouldnt change anything.

cos the people i loved are the people i still love..

in a different way.

i like looking at the brighter side of things.

i don't think being stuck in some rut would help me.

but i'm going to pull myself,

till i find the ground.

i need..

i don't know.

a genie what would grant my wished.

cos what i am right now.

is so stagnant.

i'm working on my emotional state so hard.

im so drained and so burnt out.

one more day.

this would be over.

i don't know what's my next move.

but please.

don't touch me anymore.

i'm annoyed and tired.

let me lay down and rest.

i don't want to be all fragile and boring.

i would be stronger soon.

you'll see.

beautiful day

2009-05-27T08:55:00.002+08:00

Have you ever woke up in the morning and thought: damn. I'm beautiful and today is a beautiful day?

then you wash up,

change into your best clothes,

do your make up.

and it turns out perfectly.

you meet your friends and they're all happy to see you.

and they bring you to your favourite places and do your favourite things.

you end the day thinking about how much you're loved.

and the next day,

you do it all over again.

I think everyone is trying to reach that stage.

but sadly. this day only happens once a year..

your birthday.

or not.

cos some people have something called the IB.

lalalallaa.

did i just make you say, 'haha. my life sucks.'

yeah it does.

Hello there, the angel from my nightmare.

2009-05-26T21:04:00.002+08:00

Rachael Tay :

She's sorry about everything that happened these few days.

It's not that she doesn't like you both.

it's cos she don't want to hurt you.

so she's sorry she said no.

she's not ready.

And you've heard her story.

What i want right now is the holidays to start. Two more days of school, and I'm not done with my pracs and essays and whatnots. I think I'm going to school late again tmr. I feel like crap because my throat feels funny and I'm getting really weird bites from god knows what insects I rear in my room. Tmr, it's top girls with the girls. Thursday is skipping, with the girls. Friday is strings. I think I'm going to Taiwan next week. That's quite fast. Cos my parents just planned it today. That means shopping. (:

I am so asian now. I realised my asian ways recently. I figured that since I'm asian, I should get be happy that I'm asian.

1. I have started with my OMG!koreandrama!!-ness recently, as you would have noticed.

2. I realised I'm such a rice bin. and i don't know how i'm going to survive overseas without my mom's cooking (even though she makes us eat salad for dinner every night but I simply refuse to, cos like i said. I'm a rice bin.)

3. I only go for asian guys. yes that. Now, it's korean boys. (heeee. kim bum) I am determined to date all the chinese asian nationalities before i get married. hahahaha. maybe. University would be fun.

4. I actually know where places are on the map. Though i'm not as good as brent, I do know where the more prominent countries are located in the map.

5. I am good at math.. which is weird. makes me such a nerd but whatever you know. mathhhh.

Alright i shall start a list because i am a procrastinator.

today's list would be simple.

the 50 things i like.

1. walks in the rain

2. korean music

3. mohawk girl

4. kim bum

5. tank tops and jeans worn together

6. pills

7. chivas

8. dark colored nails

9. writing

10. checkered anything

11. surprises

12. showing up or doing something for me out of the ordinary. ( like esther. <3)

13. korean everything

14. reading whatever i have written

15. going out with my girlfs

16. going out with the boys i'm comfortable around

17. sheesha and cigarettes

18. laughing

19. chinese new year sugar candy

20. nice hip bones

21. nice eyes

22. piercings

23. the messy look i have when i just wake up

24. sleepovers

25. indian bangles

26. moschino love love

27. tommy when he plays songs according to my mood

28. crying to korean movies alone in my room

29. being alone on weekends, esp. sundays.

30. talking shit.

31. people speaking korean in front of me ( i don't know why i get freaking excited)

32. gigs

33. good lyrics

34. EYELINER!

35. my pen tattoos.. I'M WORKING ON IT!

36. spongebob

37. cheap crap

38. super thrift shopping : this includes online shopping

39. shopping in general

40. sharon's face when i make her shoot 1,2,3,4,5

41. esther when she does something retarded and i act like i don't know her but i do.

42. nice smelling anything. it's more of an attraction. (lol)

43. the feeling of being skinny (working on it!)

44. creating random objects when i'm suppose to do homework

45. gifts

46. sitting on my ass watching movies on this comp.

47. spending the whole day reading a good mystery book

48. skull printed anything.

49. high socks; those that reaches your knee. ( but i'll never wear those)

50. squealing at gay tv shoes; mostly korean and taiwanese teenage drama crap. i know it's retarded but i like watching and squealing.

I want to sleep.

fuck assignments.

cos you disappeared all of a sudden

2009-05-26T10:55:00.002+08:00

i woke up at 8.15 today.

i felt disgusting and irritated.

it's a weird feeling when your body tells you you're going to be ill.

i drowned myself in water.

i cannot take any pills.

cos there's no pills that can cure what i'm feeling now.

i don't know what i'll be sick with.

but it's just an annoying feeling for now.

i'm getting the weirdest bites.

and weird internal blood vessels bursting beneath my skin.

i can see them.

it is ugly.

my head was spliting yesterday and i took M&M pills.

maybe it's dehydration.

or the bites.

or the weather.

thunder in the middle of a hot sunny day.

well.

it never seems to get better does it?

ohh, of to school now folks.

my body says no.

but i need the revision.

ugh. my head again.

hurts when u think of it.

2 more days of school.

it'll be over temporarily.

M&M pills

2009-05-25T21:35:00.003+08:00

omg.

korean movies.

they make me cry like hell.

it feels so good to cry.

i think i'll cry myself to sleep tonight or something.

tmr, i'll feel better, i hope.

watched my girl and I.

another fall in love,

get leukemia

and die.

it's about 3 teardrops worth.

my sister asked me why i was crying when she came into the room.

im like. she's dying...

wow. gees. i sound gay.

but heeee. korean movies.

had a headache today.

felt like crap.

i need to sleep.

but i have to finish my physics pracs and TOK essay.

same old as last week.

geees.

this is not good.

i should stop.

but i'll start watching I am sam or mackerel run..

this weekend.

it'll be the start of my hols.

awesomesssssssss.